So, my last encounter, shall we call it, was with the cured alcoholic, which posed many questions in my own mind, and now, I'm wondering about the phone call I got an hour ago!
Someone I used to drink with, not really friends, but ya know......called me to say she was somewhat concerned about her own drinking. She knows I'm in AA due to the fact that I told her way back instead of just blowing her off when invited for a night out......Her question to me was this, " why can I sometimes drink and have a good time, not black out, not raise holy freakin' hell and just love it all, then other times can't handle it, freak out, start fights, show my ass, black out, etc" My one and only answer to her was "this happens to me because I am an alcoholic". Which started her trying to rationalize it, ie. I ate, I didn't eat, I drank wine, I drank beer, I drank whiskey, etc. Which in turn, caused me to become extremely afraid of the fact that I'm posibly "planning my next drink"..I've heard it........I've experienced it...Not a BB thumper, but I read it, constantly........I've seen it.........I've done it.......I have no desire to drink today.........am I being tested? is my disease doing push ups in the parking lot? .....God knows, I've been in and out a couple times over the last year and half..........I stay sober for up to 10 months at the time, then WHAM! drink ONLY ONE NIGHT, and back to the program I go..........can you predict my future? am I headed for another drunk. or am I being paranoid? am I being tested? WTF!!!! I'm under soooooo much stress.............I try to work a good program.......I try to practice Rule 62..........I pray.....I go to meetings......I call my sponsor.....please share your ES&H with me......thanks for letting me share........Jen
-- Edited by Doll at 21:58, 2007-01-10
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I thought about this, Doll, and all I can do is share my own experience(s) with you.
I was in and out for a few years. Couldn't figure out my problem, and didn't really care at that time. A few months here, there, once eighteen months. I found that one of the roughest areas for me was what situations I was insistent in being in, and that was with partiers through the MMA and AMA, and they were pretty mild compared to what I was used to. My bf at the time was very active in our local chapter. He tried to be supportive, but bottom line was, he didnt have a problem, I did. And to be with him, and gods how I love to ride, meant going on runs, going to Reno with the group, going to parties thrown by them, and of course, stopping at bars when we were on the road. I didn't think it bothered me, hell, I know it didn't "bother" me, because I kept exposing myself to all these people, alot of them pretty heavy drinkers, alot of pot, etc. I tried controlled drinking. I tried beer instead of vodka or scotch. Sheesh, for about six months I tried stretching out just one bottle of MD2020 a day. I finally left him, but stayed out there for awhile longer. Then the bottom. I had to seperate myself from other "controlled" drinkers. I didn't ride for over a year, until I met some people that were clean and sober, so bars and parties weren't an issue. Just sitting around watching how other people made it work put me in a place where "if they can, I sure as hell can". I have a friend who picks me up now and again, and we do the Loop for the day, or take off wherever. But I had to give myself some space, a chance to get some program under my belt---meetings, etc. and then give myself the time to walk my talk. Gave up some people I cared about, too, until I felt safe enough. But even today, I wouldnt want to be in a slippery place, listening to someone playing like that (til he crashes too), unless my head was in a damned good place. I still have weak times, when I know that if I'm stressed out over shit, or I'm pissed about something, I can't let myself go places where my mind gets selective over what it remembers (like, the good times before the bad times started). I have some time in the program, but I know I'm one nasty little beer away from going right back to where I began. If I live this time, yknow? And it may be one beer, or months of three beers a night, but I also know it will not last. I'll be drunk at some future date, no doubt. And I don't know for a fact that I'd make it back to AA this time. Seen too many people with years and years go back out and never come back. No idea whether this helps or not, but I'd look at the whole thing as your HP reminding you, not testing you. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I could really associate with so much that you said. I, too, tried hard to really get this program, but had a few slips along the way. I am now enjoying my longest period of sobriety and I am grateful for it.
But, I have moments of questioning my own alcoholism. I was at a meeting late last week and somebody, sharing from the top table, mentioned how much he drank. For some reason, I started thinking along the lines of “Well, I never drank that much” and “Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic”. As soon as I got home, I re-read my step one and that helped my thinking. Although I drank vastly too much, it wasn't so much how much I drank but my behaviour when I was drinking. I never want to go back there.
I was recently talking to an AA 'old-timer' about those thoughts. He asked me if I was scared of picking up a drink again. I said that I was very frightened and truly didn't want to go back there. I try to work the program to the very best of my ability every single day. I work the steps, I go to meetings, I have regular contact with my sponsor and I do service for AA. But, I still have that fear.
He then explained to me that it is what he calls a 'healthy fear'. For this alcoholic, if I ever loose that fear, then I am on my way to my next drunk.
I have just had a very tough few days and I was thinking about drinking a lot more than I have for a long time. But, I still didn't pick up again. It would have been so easy for me to feel lots of 'poor me' and then to pour myself some booze. But, with the help of my HP and this program, I didn't.
I agree with Chris when she said about looking at it as your HP reminding you how bad things can be and not testing you.
I hope my rambling helps.
Please take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I've been truly convinced a couple of times. I've heard there is no 'cured' alcoholic. We are all just a hair away, and we have to be constantly vigilant concerning the baffling, and cunning monkey. I like Johnny Cash'es song "The Beast in Me" - sometimes it tries to fool me that it's just a teddy bear. When we get overconfident it can be a problem. We start thinking we are cured and that maybe we are not alcoholics anymore,, and then that we can safely be near alcohol cuz our desire is gone,,, and then that one won't hurt.
We are alcoholics in recovery, and that recovery is a life long process. Sometimes it gets easy, and some times it is hard, and sometimes some of us slip,, either emotionally on a dry drunk or with actual alcohol. That is why we have to stay humble. Humble. I'm glad that today I didn't drink and I worked my program and I did better than I used to do. I'll do the best I can tomorrow.
Sometimes we see things very black or white, all or nothing, and that's why we have to learn the principle of 'progress and not perfection'. I have to watch out if I think I've licked it, I'm cured, I'm a winner cuz next comes a humbling fall. I also have to watch out if I think that I'm a loser who is hopeless, cuz then I won't try again.
Day by day, we just try to put one foot in front of the other, Step by Step. There is always more to be revealed.
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
i believe u and wren and i have a lot in common and in my experiance once u surrender and accept that we are truly powerless and then work the program as hard as i see u do then our higher power does step in when we are in danger...i can tell u that one time when i gave up and decided to go out and get loaded i figured i should at least phone my 2 best friends in recovery and let them know so they wouldnt have to hear it through the "grape vine" of AA gossip. it so happened they were on the phone talking to each other and i got tired of waiting for them to hang up so thought i would take a short nap before i went out....this was about 2 in the afternoon...i woke up the next morning with the desire to drink gone....! i truly believe my higher power saved my ass. like they say :it works if you work it" i know u work it...im glad you are on this board, thanks for sharing and my love and prayer goes out to you..
You're sounding a lot like you want to give it another try Jen. Just a taste. A little bit. I miss it. I've seen what someone else can do. Why can't I do it? He's no different than I am.
I'd hate to hear that you're playing with fire. You're a great person Jen and your presence and postings here mean a lot to me, for what that's worth to you. You said it yourself about this man: "maybe he's not really an alcoholic". But you know damn straight up that you are. There IS a difference. You're going to do what you're going to do. Think a lot about it. Pray a lot about it.
Know that good thoughts are with you whatever. With love in recovery...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thanks all for the wonderful es&h. It has helped so much.....I've doubled up on meetings and hung out after last night till really late. It was very good fellowship that I needed.
One day at the time.........
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
