Dealing with Painful Feelings

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Dealing with Painful Feelings

Wren · MIP Old Timer

Hey Phil. Not an easy task, to own our pain when it's so much easier to blame others for it, huh? "If he would just...she would just...". Learning to own my feelings has been a two decade battle. Like so much else, I look for a softer way, but that inner voice is saying "nope, you know better. Nobody makes you feel anything. Only you allow yourself those feelings, your reactions on an emotional level. You are the only one in the universe that has the power to change, hold onto, or let go of what's hurting you right now". I do alot of self-talk, did ya notice?

The hell of it is, so often I have found that my hurt feelings are caused by my own mis-perceptions of what is happening, or what was said. I can go for days being all butt hurt, and then find out that what my mind had created wasn't even based in reality. The other person was happily going about life without a clue. Sometimes what we hear, and what was really said, are based on where our head was at on that day. That takes us back to the art of really listening to others, rather than listening to our head respond to others. That committee in my head can really run with things. And how foolish I end up feeling. If I were a brave soul, I would learn to ask right then and there if what I heard was what was said. Save myself alot of grief that way...Learning healthy communication ties in with being honest with self and others around me. Trust. Sheesh, so much goes back to trust, doesnt it? hugs, Wren (the good thing is, I do NOT have to drink over these things today. No buffer. Just let myself feel them, get thru them, and not have to reexperience them.)

-- Edited by Wren at 15:46, 2007-01-07

Nahmi · Newbie

So so true, I'm thankful you all are here this early a.m., I had some 'negative chat' going on in my head. Painful stuff from the past and did exacly what you describe made myself irritable and moody and projected that on my partner. Thanks for the reality check, love Nahmi

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Phil,

I really needed to read that right now. Thanks for another great posting.

Take care,

Carol

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

"We can surrender to them, feel, and go on." Here's the key phrase for me. My childhood was very painful with violent abuse that has left scars. "Surrendering" to the pain meant death for me. Feeling the pain was really too overwhelming - PTSD. Goind on seemed impossible cuz there I was, a child with no place else to go and no way to change what was happening. The solution that worked best for me was to numb the pain - Janis Joplin style.

It is still this issue that is most often why I get urges to drink. When some situation happens that triggers painful feelings, my first response is to reach for the glass. Not reaching for the glass is only part of the struggle. The major part is to let myself feel the feelings. That, too, is only part, though. I guess the most major part is to deal wth the feelings and the situation - the 'go on' part. How to go on in the most positive and constructive way possible. Working the Steps is the one greatest tool that I have to do that - Step 11 after I get through the first 3, and Step 10 too. Then my Step 12 gets into being a reality, not as one who has 'made it' and looks down, but as one who is a fellow traveller down this rocky road of life.

I got into a sitution yesterday, two actually, at the same church. I was stood up by a group of people in a way that hurt. The people made apologies and I got a little kick out of that, and I wanted to go on a dry drunk of emotions to compensate for my hurt feelings,, but I recognized that I was 'starting' and stopped myself. I did let them know that I was hurt,, but then I got hold of myself, and just walked away. Then, when I would have usually sat on a pity pot for awhile, I was able to just go on and have a good day. The other thing was that I bumped into the lady from the choir and the choir director. My positive attitude is really producing much better results than my old negative responses did. The choir director and I spoke briefly and shook hands, and I could see his relief as he smiled and relaxed. I think he expected me to be still angry and unhappy with him, and lay a guilt trip so I can get back, but nope, I've gone on. I said to him, 'maybe later on down the road I'll be back'. I bumped into the lady in a line, and spoke 'civilly' to her, and even let her in front of me so she could get back up to choir more quickly. She was surprised, too, that I didn't stay in front of her and gripe at her, but , no,,, I've moved on. I confess though, that was why the other rebuff hurt doubly, as I wanted to say 'see? I'm haveing a wonderful time here with these people', and I didn't get to, which was embarrassing.

Surrender instead of fighting our feelings, work through them, because they do give us signals that are important, and, as wren said, we can choose how to look at the situation which in turn affects how we feel about it. I realized that I was stood up for reasons beyond their control and not as a personal affront. And move on then in the best way we can think of to do - I enjoyed my day without resenting what I'd lost, and I'll let them know later that I'm over my disappointment.

love in recovery,

amanda