I have to be honest. I remember that some of you think that means that I don't 'get' the program, and that I am a 'loser', etc. But the combination of things now,,,,, this difficult woman, my ex's being on his deathbed, and my son's birthday and holidays are stressing me out. The feelings about the situation with the woman, my ex, my son,,, and the holidays are difficult and I just want to drown them. How about if I sleep till spring? They hurt. Well, I remember what happened 2 years ago,,, I did drink and got all maudlin, yuckk. Tape played all the way through. *takes a deep breath, and breaths it out in a heavy sigh*
Time for me to go to meetings every day till I get through it. And here I was again , thinking I had 'graduated'. Recovery is a lifetime process.
Just enough to get a nice little glow? no? Plays the tape through again, remembering the last time, cuz it almost ruined a great Christmas, except that I went right to a meeting, still tipsy. I have to stay sober for my son.
*sighs* *Sits on her hands* Tries to think of other ways,, alternatives to get relief. Any ideas about this? alternatives? I guess this time it is H A L T Lonely and Tired. no.. more Tired.. stressed out,, too stressed to worry about Lonely. in fact, when I don't feel strong I feel vulnerable, and I don't want to be vulnerable,, so when I am not strong, then I want to be alone. Too many people do like to kick people when they are down.
enough,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
As your quote goes "Do your best, God does the rest,..". If you let Him.
In the beginning of my sobriety, I learned a brief meditation, from a priest friend in the program. Kind of a visualization technique.
I would be at the bottom of a hill, looking up. Sitting on a rock, just waiting for me, would be Jesus, or if it were more of a "womens" thing, Our Mother Mary. I would climb a path to this rock, and sit down next to Him. The rock would be warm from the sunlight. I would look up, make eye contact with Him, and pour my heart out. If I was quiet when done, and listened, I always got an answer. Usually just one or two words, but they would be the right ones. During times that were harder, deeper, than others, I would see Him with wings, and just let Him cover me.
This may sound sort of strange to others, I still use this in times of great pain altho now I use my Higher Power, but that action has brought me such great peace when I was at the end of my rope. hang in there, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Hi Amanda! Is that REALLY where you want to go?? A bit of "instant" relief that is not really so. It may seem it immediately, but YOU KNOW it's not. My thoughts are with you; know that. Be brave, strong, however you may term it, but be sane and safe. Post here all night if you want and if we can walk you through it, we will good friend. With love in recovery...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I have a deep abiding dread of the time period from Thanks Giving to New Years. That wasn't always the case, the 3 Christmas I spent with my ex who I met in recovery were the best of my adult life. Since then I'm filled with regret and what ifs. It doesn't help that the days get shorter which I also hate but have no control over. Unless I move closer to the equator. I just go into survivor mode during the holidays. I try to avoid places and situations that can stress me out. I don't go down the beer aisle at the store, cause I really enjoyed the holiday Micro Brews. I also stay away from insane people whether I'm related to them or not, I heard a guy at a meeting say don't let them suck you into their insanity. I don't need that crap when I'm feeling vulnerable, just a good book a cup of hot cocoa and the furry beast purring in my lap. Dear God just let me make it to Jan 2. BTW I don't leave the house New Years Eve night to many drunks who don't know how to drink. Actually I'm feeling pretty good, my sister in Oregon e-mailed me asking what I'd like, she's notorious for giving odd gifts (gave me a World Trade Center Collector Coin for my birthday, mm WTF is this. LOL) Just sent me a Gift Certificate and she did. So everything going okay, just hoping nothing happens to send me into a funk. Hoping everyone survives the Holiday.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Just saying "HI" to yu Bob..and I can identify with you...
Where a lot of taxies are closed down in this area, Christmas Day...I'm just working it straight through..
Too many thoughts of yesterdays, that can drag a person down...
They have a Christmas dinner, in this small town...at a local town center..on Christmas day...where those who have no place to go...or are alone..can go..
I have grown up kids...that have plans of their own...so I think Ile take an hour or so..and go...
And reach out to a few others that are alone also...
Even tho, we have a lot to be grateful for....Its never easy...
Onward we go....
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
It's when I'm weakest that those arrows sink in. A miracle for me has been that even looking into that abyss, one of those lowpoints Bill spoke of, that we may not survive if we are not growing, is that for me, there is no compulsion to drink as a response. But low points fill with water, and when wallowing in that swamp of circumstance, and wore out, weakened, physically, mentally, spiritually, those arrows of compulsion seem to find their target and sink deep. Hurts. There is just no answer I can give alcohol. Nothing to figure out, nothing to think about, no magic bullet idea or tongue held in cheek just right mental magic trick. There is just no answer. Let go and let God is just what happens, or again I might drink.
I would never think that you are a 'loser' or that you don't 'get' the program. Nobody on this board could ever be described in that way. We are all trying to stay sober for one day at a time. Sometimes, one of those days is tougher than the others. But, hang in there and it really will pass.
I've had a few really tough days and I'm trying to get through them without picking up a drink, too. I know that I'll emerge a stronger person when this is over and I'll be so truly grateful that I didn't pick up a drink again.
If I'm really stressed I try to get to a meeting as it is the safest place for me, or I go out for a nice long walk. I can walk through my feelings of anger, hurt and resentment and start to sort my 'stinking thinking' out. Also, one trick for me is to re-read what I wrote when I did my step 1. If I have an urge to drink I just read where my alcoholism took me and will take me again if I pick up. Then, for me, the urge to drink has gone.
Take it easy on yourself Amanda and it will start to get better for you.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I believe we've all been there at one time or another. I know I was just where you are around Thanksgiving. So, read your BB, hit a meeting (or 10), get on the phone, just hang on. It will pass.........
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I really understand where your coming from. I feel like I've been on an emotional bender for a while. Where's the balance? Who knows.
Meetings work for me when all else fails. It's kind of hard to stay in a funk when I'm in contact with other alcoholics on a daily basis in and around these rooms.
One of my favorite sayings is that 'we are spiritual beings having a human experience!'
A meeting or ten...heheh. Whatever it takes to pull my perspective out of my asshole... It hit me at a book study the other day that's what phone call can do for someone if they are willing to make the effort. Talking to someone can pull their perspective out of that downward spiral, shed a different light on FUBAR. Same thing meetings do. I never called anyone when I drank, and I had another drink in me as long as I felt I did. I called folks after I drank. Sometimes. There are some oldtimers around here who would be much wiser fellers today if I could have remembered just what it was I had figured out by the time I got them on the phone.
i dont find it strange at all that a drink is crossing your mind. anyone that says they "never get an urge to drink" is a liar or unusually lucky in life in that nothing major has dissapointed of hurt them, (thats a scary thought, how do you prevent that!)i also play it through when that happens to me and also try to look at whats under it, im also a mother of a 12 year old son. i hate christmas time and my dad is dying right now, so yeah its stressful. for me its not so much getting drunk when i really think about it, its wishing i was young again with more of my life in front instead of behind and not so much responsibility. a drink cant do that. i can take a hot bath, watch a cheering up kind of movie, avoid the toxic people as much as possible. stay hooked in with my support friends. i care and send a prayer.
Amanda do you have a local sponsor? I run all kinds of things and thoughts by him, otherwise I'll fk up everything I try in human relations even when my intentions are good! I'm soooo brilliant, that I get these psychotic and ridiculous grand ideas of how to "fix" things.
recovery is a lifetime process and that itself is very hard to me to swallow excpecially when I don't want to deal with the thoughts of drinking that I have in my brain all of the time. you are not alone when it comes to this. i sometimes feel like it's a burden to have this on my shoulders but i crossed the line years ago and became the way I am and now I have a lifetime to be in a better place with the thoughts of alcohol now. no hangover, no guilt, no overlaziness, no overeating, etc.....etc....
this new life we choose is better....it's cheaper....it's healthier...and I say this with a smile on my face as I type
the holidays bring back my drinking days....i would start drinking around 3 and I wouldn't miss a drink every 30 minutes and wake up the next day feeling horrible and not remembering all the important stuff.....
i'm gonna go play a game with daughter now, to watch her smile and laugh as we share a good moment....just wanted to tell you we are all with you and know what you are going through
well, I'm hanging in there, moment by moment. I had to let go of the 'supposed to's. I'm supposed to have decorations up, I'm supposed to send cards, I'm supposed to finish that craft gift, I'm supposed to 'be in the spirit'. I'm supposed to be in that choir with that lady. I'm supposed to clean and straighten out my house to be 'ready' for Christmas. I'm not, yet.
I did accomplish some things the last two days, I'm sober, functional. Going to 'do my best' today, and hope God takes up the slack. Progress, if not perfection, eh? I'm supposed to go to somebody's house Saturday night and make homemade noodles with a pasta machine with them, and I got some kind of message last night cuz I went to bed early and didn't answer the phone. The message is confusing about the schedule for it. My feelings are very mixed about it. I am looking forward to it, but not, at the same time. That's why I drank 2 years ago,,, I thought if I got some lubrication things would seem better,,, but no,, they got worse. I guess I'll just try to go with the flow, eh? Not flow of booze, umm.
Going to ask God's help to get me through His birthday.
bob, are there any alkathons near you? Like Phil, I have some plans to attend an AA dinner on Christmas afternoon at 2:00. Is it weird that I think I'm looking forward to that the most? Being with the sinners for whom Christ came?
I think I'll start a new thread named 'getting through the holidays', that we can just all share together on how we are doing at the moment. k?
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Yes; I will actually be attending an NA funtion on Christmas. Nothing gets one back in the spirit of recovery then a bunch of grateful newcomers bouncing off the walls.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
in fact, when I don't feel strong I feel vulnerable, and I don't want to be vulnerable,, so when I am not strong, then I want to be alone. Too many people do like to kick people when they are down.
