thanks Chris

I guess my conundrum is that, "YES, I dont need to be drinking vodka, BUT I think I can drink socially and I dont want to give that up, even if it means getting drunk with friends."

Im sure you guys have been there and done that, but I want to be able to socially drink, should I just kick the vodka to the curb and use self contol, I just want to NEVER lie to my wife again, its eating me inside.  As I said she is understanding but you wouldnt believe how tactful and thoughtful she was with confronting me, she caught me in a lie, and is giving me a chance to redeem myself.

You know people without a drinking problem don't hide booze, it never occurs to them. People that think about alcohol, and whether they have a problem usually do. You say that the AA meeting was full of losers and drug addicts, here in California we have something call Pop 37 (I think) where folks arrested for drug and alcohol related offences can opt for court supervised treatment programs and are mandated to attend 12 step meetings AA or NA (get their papers signed) Kinda fills some meetings up with people who's desire to stop drinking is questionable.
AA's 3rd tradition states the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. Where do you fit??
For me I tried switching what I drank but when it comes down to it alcohol is alcohol and for this alcoholic it was the first drink that caused the trouble.
You might want to become better educated about alcoholics and AA and you can go to the self help section of your favorite book store, the book I recommend is Alcoholic Anonymous written by alcoholic about the disease of alcoholism.
You never know the life you save may be your own.

We dont judge yu buddy....we identify with what youre going through.. ...and are here anytime..we can be..for you...

Hang Tough....Share with us....One day at a time....Just for one day, I will not pick up a drink of alcohol....

Nope..no loosers in AA my freind....The loosers are the ones that never got here...and wound up dead...or in hospitals...insane asylums..or in jails..

Ive seen very few get sober and stay sober, on their own....All the power to them, if they can...but its gotta be a hard lonely road....

You have a good night...

Hi Morgan,

I'm Carol, an alcoholic. Welcome to MIP. It really is a good place to be and I always try to pop here a few times each day to read and post as much as I need/want. I know that I am with good people who all genuinely care.

Years ago, I knew that I was drinking too much and that I should cut back on what I was drinking. But, for me, by the time I realised that, I simply couldn't cut down on what I drank on a daily basis. I was already hitting trouble. I tried, repeatedly, to have less than my normal amount. I switched drinks to help me to keep sober. It usually didn't work and I couldn't think about much else other than when I was going to be able to drink again.

When I first tried an AA meeting, all I could think was “Has it come to this?”. I was frightened to be there so I listened to what everybody was saying and thought to myself that I hadn't done that, been there, etc. But, the bottom line was that I couldn't really fool myself. My drinking was completely out of control and I couldn't control it. I am quite a strong willed person, but I couldn't quit and stay quit on my will-power alone.

When I went back to AA, I sat and listened more carefully. Then, I started to listen for the similarities in peoples stories to me. Oh boy, they were there!

Only you know if you are an alcoholic. Nobody else can make that decision for you. But, stick around this board for a little while. Maybe, you could try another AA meeting and see how it works out for you this time. You have nothing to lose by going and so much to gain.

But, whatever you decide, please keep coming back here and reading. Please let us know how it is going for you, won't you?

Take care,

Carol

In my meetings that I attend are a mix full of people.  Some are doctors,some are lawyers,some are unemployed,some are housewives.  Some are addicted to drugs,some are not.  Good luck with stopping on your own.  Many people have,but for me I don't like being alone when I'm going through life sober and I need people who will understand me. A person who can drink normal does not hide a bottle,nor have a fridge full of beer.  Nor do they come to an AA forum to ask permission if they can drink just a few.  I hope you don't lose your wife over your drinking,but if you do,you'll remember these kind people here and thier words of wisdom.

Good Morning Morgan,

Well I read and reread your Post, it was almost uncanny, how that Post and your words, could have been my own words, many years ago, in my first year of my second marriage to an absolulte incredible man, my second husband Bill.

Word for word, it was in my first year of marriage that I noticed, I was drinking way too much, and I had believed "my need" for alcohol was going to be gone, now that I had the love and support of this man, thought that my previous need for alcohol was directly related to my deep lonliness of being single for about 10 years, raising children, being a party girl on the week-ends when my two boys were with their Dad.

So I began going to the AA meetings, and would get feedback from some, after they met my husband,  "Well this should be pretty easy for you, you really do have a good motivation to quit now".  I lived in a pretty affluent area, so the problems of being around others I could not relate to was not that prevelant.   I was employed, and it was a prestigeous job, at one of the most respected teaching universities in this country.  That actually turned itself into a great big problem,  how could I be a drunk, I had this abundant life, beautiful home with a great view, 2 loving children, a new husband that adored me, a great suntan, looked so healthy.

Well the problem was simple, we are talking about outside stuff, the appearances we make, and recovery from the Disease of Alcoholism is clearly today to me,  an INSIDE JOB, has absolutely nothing to do with what is outside of our own skin.

So with these confused feelings, of the above, I just continued the status quo, would hide the stuff, get caught, feel relieved, get caught, feel relieved, over and over, by a husband that said I am here for the long haul.  We were both so ignorant of the Disease, he wanted me to choose wine, or share some of his pot.   Same stuff, This went on for about 5 years,  I would sneak alcohol, the need for more alcohol did really increase as the years went by, (the prgressiion of this Disease is well documented), I still did not understand it,  I would go to the meetings,  selective hearing was in full force. 

The meetings represented so many people I did know, that were friendly to me, always very warm and welcoming,  then the talks after the meetings, more social approval,  but the message of Alcoholic's Anonymous, never, ever reached my consciousness.  Sounds weird to say that, but it was the truth.

Our marriage came to an end, when after moving to Seattle, and then the reason for all the major heavy drinking was of course due to the horrible weather and the missing my two children that were going off to college.

It was when I had to move out of my house, because of my daily blackouts, that happened on a daily basis, and because my husband's business was run out of this beautiful home on Mercer Island, in Seattle, it was me, that had to find a share rental, and live in some strange appt. with some really strange woman, My looks, gone, my abundant live, Gone, my self respect, gone, the respect of my friends and family Gone.    I had to lose Everything, and I mean Everything, before I did get one thing clear,  I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WITH A DISEASE, AND IF I DID NOT SEEK HELP, I WAS GOING TO BE IN MY GRAVE, THAT WAS REAL CLEAR, AND the drinking had progressed to the point that I could not, not drink, had to have alcohol running through me, 24/7.  Suicide started looking pretty good, had tried on two occasions, failed miserably with Pills, and the third time, I was going to get this done right, with some glass, that was out on the deck of this now empty home, that I had returned to, to close up, and finish the move.

It was out on this deck, seaching for this glass, wearing a bathrob I had on, everyday, never washed,  there  I was down on my hands and knees, angry that I could not find the glass, and Morgan,  there was nothing left to do,  I turned to God, and asked him PLEASE, WILL YOU SHOW ME,  A DIFFERENT WAY????

That moment was over 17 years ago, and Morgan, I have not had a compulsion to drink, since that moment of surrender to a God, that I believed had abandoned me,  as time went by, I became aware, that it is I, that had abandoned God.

That marriage, we tried to put it back together, but it did not work, too much damage had been done, and now I wanted AA, and those meetings more than I wanted ANYTHING in my Life,  AA saved my Life,  A Loving and Forgiving God, and in a chair in AA everyday, so full of fear, that with my  Relapse history, I would not make it, that was a pretty healthy fear, that I prayed about everyday.  And on my very first Birthday, in AA,  I could actually feel, that I was given this chance, by a Loving God, the possibility of having my life back.

Just wanted to tell you a little of my own story, because when I read your words, each and every one of them,  I said, Dear God,  he is telling the first part of my story, and felt all the emotions of where you are coming from.

So, with all my heart, I wish you the best, with your struggles now, and Pray for you that the Lights will get turned on, on the inside, it is not about the job, the wife, the life we live, but about who we are ONLY on the inside, our Spiritual Life.  That is just my own 2 cents on the subject.  There is a great saying here in AA,  Take what you want, and leave the rest, hope that with this Post, you will do just that.

And welcome to this Board,

Toni 

Captain Morgan? Didn't he travel with the Walker brothers?

Anyway....MorganSS, if you'e still returning to read, my name is Tim and I'm an alcoholic.  Your situation also reminds me a good deal of my own.  I am now a few days from four months sober on my umpteenth time in the last dozen or so years to stay that way.  Maybe I should say the umpteenth time of trying to prove to myself that I could drink like a normal person.  See, I LOVE the high... The high, not of being shit-faced, falling-down drunk, just the "good" little high.. a little glow that has made life a bit more enjoyable.  I've always known I could handle my drinking.  I'm an intelligent man.  I love learning and pretty much excel at whatever I do.  I know I can learn from my mistakes and if I go overboard one time drinking, well...I'll stop for a while, clean out, and not repeat that mistake.  I hid my vodka and added it to the beer just to "kick it up a notch", and to other things ancoholic and non, just to get that high.  I have found over these years that abstinence is the only way for me.  My love of the high is too great.  Maybe you can succeed at dominating the drink.  I can't.  I hope that you don't lose all of value to you trying to prove the same to yourself.  Good fortune to you...Tim

P.S.  Doll, I love that quote "Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity..."  I had never seen that before!  Thanks...Tim

-- Edited by timverton at 13:27, 2006-11-28

DAY3

 

No vodka

I dont want any

 

Well. If it was sitting in front of me I would probably do it.  I had a glass of wine with dinner, but I didnt hide it.  Im struggling now with the fact that my wife wont be around me 24/7 but Im happy with my progress, I drove by the liquor store today and didnt stop like I did 3X out of the week.  Small victories.  My wife and I are communicating openly about my drinking and as much as I get defensive she is ALWAYS in the right, and I owe her the truth.  Im getting there and even though Ive had a drink I feel like Ive gotten better.  Although I still know in myself Im an alcoholic.

Hate to put a damper on things,but even wine is a no no.  It will trigger you for more things.  Being sober is not drinking not one drop of alcohol,not even wine,beer, cute little drinks,eggnog with a shot of brandy.  I'd love to have a glass of wine with dinner,but I'd have to start back at day one again and it will make me want to have two glasses the next night and so on...  Your on the right track,just no more wine with dinner!

heh heh Tim, I have at least a dozen liquor stores in my area not to mention the grocery store, and I did the same thing, alternate so none of the clerks would know.

Morgan, day three was the hardest for me I am now on 7 days one week! yippee! Day three was hard because I so wanted to have a drink to get rid of the shakes. I purposefully didn't leave the house on the third and fourth day for fear I would cave to the shakes. I don't ever want to go through day one ever ever again. I am glad you are sticking around.

Barb