I've been putting on an act with everyone lately... I'm really not doing too great... no one knows how I'm really doing... I'm trying to open up a little online today, where I can get some kind of support... not even my sponsor knows how I'm really doing... well, Nikki, one of my alters, said she was going to call her, if she has, my sponsor didn't say anything about it. I had to listen to Nikki and Benjamyn talking in my head about me last night... about how I'm not doing good and they're worried about me...

I haven't prayed in at least 2 weeks, I had about a week of seriously not doing good, where everyone could tell I wasn't doing good, not eating right, not getting enough sleep, bags under my eyes, tired all the time, then I gathered up the strength to put on this act... and honestly I'm not doing quite as bad as I was, I'm just kinda down, just not "right".

I haven't been wanting to go to church or meetings. I go anyway... well, wanting to go to church is more so I can miss a meeting, isn't that bad? Sunday night there was no service and I was trying to think of another church to go to just because I didn't feel like going to a meeting, but I wound up going to a meeting anyway. Wednesday nights I haven't been going to church because I don't want to participate in the group discussions thing we go to on Wednesdays. Last night I didn't feel like going to a meeting and went to Starbucks and had all intentions of working on my abuse workbook, and wound up talking to friends instead and had my husband meet me up there and didn't go to a meeting. Tonight's counseling, and I should just go to a later meeting but I know I probably won't.

Spiritually I'm a mess right now. And that sucks because I'm working on step 2 with my sponsor today. And when I did the work on it, I believed God could restore me to sanity. Now I'm not so sure.

And Nikki and Benjamyn, when they were talking, pointed out how I'm addicted to my sleeping pills... and I've known that but didn't want to admit it. I have maybe a couple of nights a month that I have to sleep without them, when I run out over the weekend and can't get more. But it's next to impossible to get to sleep and I'm up most the night. A lot of nights I take 2 pills when I'm only supposed to take one. Sometimes taking 2 before i get in bed because I've had too much caffiene or feel too awake. Sometimes I take one, then if I'm not asleep after awhile I take another. My dr is concerned that I'm taking them every single night but he hasn't suggested going off of them and gives me enough for about a week at a time. He doesn't seem to notice sometimes they don't last me a week because I'm taking 2 a lot of nights.

No one knows how I'm really doing... I'm good at acting when it's not *too* bad, when it gets really bad I can't put on the act anymore. And acting seems to keep it from getting worse. I even put on the act when I'm by myself, pretending everything's fine. Then it gets to the point that I just can't act anymore and I just lie down and feel like crap for awhile and let myself feel what I'm really feeling.

I've been somewhat isolating... I still talk to people, but I don't let anyone in, I guess I kinda have my walls back up a bit which I know isn't good. I just need to get out of this funk, and I'm sure with time I will...