Yep the time has come. I've been putting this off ever since I entered the program. AMENDS!!!
Damn, that's a scary word right now!
Wednesday night, my sponsor and I went over step nine in the 12&12. One sentence really stuck out to me. It said something along the lines of......If we are reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety we are ready to start the amends process. This really hit me hard. My sponsor has been wanting me to move forward for months now and I've been dragging my feet, kicking and screaming! LOL!
I'm going to leave a lot of what's going on in my mind out of this post for one reason, it doesn't make sense. Haha!
Anyways, there is one person in my life whom I have hurt the most. My brother. I currently live with him and my nephew. There are a ton of financial amends along with many that I can never repay for the problems and pain I have inflicted upon him throughout my life. This is some scary stuff. I've been in the program for almost 5 years and this will be my very first amends, ever!
I did one thing though. I followed my sponsors advice and brought up this step at last nights meeting and asked for some experience, strength, and hope on this matter pertaining to my amends with my brother. For a Thursday night there were a lot more people than usual. I did receive some good suggestions and a bunch of hope and courage!
One guy told me that I need to feel comfortable in my own skin around my brother. I never thought about that. I figured the reason my brother and I don't get along the way we used to is because of other stuff. I never realized that it is just me with all this garbage in the back of my mind that is currently hindering our relationship. It's kind of strange how blind I can be to the obvious.
With Gods help I am going to get my brother alone and give this a shot and see what happens! Wish me luck. All I have to remember is that I'm not alone. My HP is with me!
Thanks for posting that. My steps 8 & 9 are looming for me. But, although one side of me is dreading facing it all, another side of me wants and needs to make amends for all of the hurt and damage that I have caused over the years. I remember the feeling of freedom that I had when I did my steps 4 & 5 and I want more of that feeling. I know that it is going to be very hard and painful for me, but with my HP's help, I know that I will get through it.
Thanks, again, for sharing your thoughts and how it is for you now.
Take care and have a great weekend,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
