An earlier post from Quetzal about seeing people actually crying about having to give up drinking reminded me of something that crossed my mind a couple nights back.
I was musing about my drinking days...kinda reflecting on how or why I got to where I ended up no longer daring to have that first drink. I had one of those moments where that little light bulb suddenly goes on in the back of the brain. Damned if the reason that I don't dare drink is.....are you waiting for this?........I LOVE IT TOO MUCH!
I almost can't stand to have just one drink and quit. It just feels TOOOOOOOO DAMNED GOOD! As soon as it starts to fade at all, I GOTTA have MORE! (and more, and more, and more).
Life (and reality) just seemed so much more bearable when I was wrapped in my boozey blanket, half numb to everything. Problem was, I hated all the repercussions that came with it...my stupid, careless actions that I had to face up to the next morning, not to mention the hangover and other health issues.
I really understood, more than ever at that moment, why others in AA will remind you to "play the tape all the way through" when you are tempted to have that first drink. That stinkin' thinkin' will seduce you with all the promise of the wonderful exhilaration you remember came with that first drink. You have to force yourself to remember how crappy you felt trying to "white knuckle" through the intense craving that it created, or worse, the misery that always followed when you caved in to that craving.
Yeah, I let my love affair with drugs and booze get shoved in the far corner of a drawer in my head, and remember not to idealize it when I run into it when putting laundry away, yknow? Act out on my love for it, I best remember how much I hate the taste of dirt in my face, and the thought of my kids and parents sitting around the hole while it gets shovelled in. Cuz we love eachother to death, booze and I...hug Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I third that. What ryan wants is to drink. 'ol ryan had to die to begin to live within what turned out to be his own best interest. As long as I felt I had another drink in me though, I did. When I was turned loose the entire obsessive-compulsive obsession was removed. Wish every difficulty worked out like that. (It's -me- oh God!!!)(heheh)
“Life (and reality) just seemed so much more bearable when I was wrapped in my boozey blanket, half numb to everything.”
That described me exactly. I used to truly believe that if people had the problems that I had then they would drink, too. I conveniently 'forgot' that a lot of the problems that I was hiding from, where caused directly by my drinking and the actions that ensued from it.
On the rare occasions that a drinking thought enters my head, I sit and re-play the entire tapes of exactly where my alcoholism was taking me and how bad things really were for me and for those around me. Then, suddenly the thought of another drink doesn't hold any appeal for me.
Thanks for a great post.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I too am sick of being sick. but these friggin benders are so self-perpetuating. im am sick to death of drinking; there is nothing i like about it anymore (i burned that bridge long ago). and yet i keep doing it.
I fought through what you are going through. I hated it and wanted it to stop. My problem was I didn't want to give up the "good" part of the drinking. My brain kept telling me, JUST BEFORE picking up that first drink, that everything was going to be just fine this time..that I was just going to enjoy a couple of drinks, get a warm glow and that would be it. Then I would be able to stop. I wanted to believe that every time, but always ended up once again hating it, loathing it, telling myself that I wasn't going to do it again....that is, until I started feeling better again, and had the convenient "drink craver's" memory lapse, and going right back again to thinking only about how good it felt to "relax with a few drinks".
Have you been to any AA meetings? Talked to an alcohol counselor? I don't know if you've been around the program for a while, or are just now testing the waters, but lots of folks on this site can offer lots of support (and AA information if you desire it).
I fought through what you are going through. I hated it and wanted it to stop. My problem was I didn't want to give up the "good" part of the drinking. My brain kept telling me, JUST BEFORE picking up that first drink, that everything was going to be just fine this time..that I was just going to enjoy a couple of drinks, get a warm glow and that would be it. Then I would be able to stop. I wanted to believe that every time, but always ended up once again hating it, loathing it, telling myself that I wasn't going to do it again....that is, until I started feeling better again, and had the convenient "drink craver's" memory lapse, and going right back again to thinking only about how good it felt to "relax with a few drinks".
Have you been to any AA meetings? Talked to an alcohol counselor? I don't know if you've been around the program for a while, or are just now testing the waters, but lots of folks on this site can offer lots of support (and AA information if you desire it).
im just drinking. i have no pleasure for it; im just spinning down. i am the best blasted thing for an alcoholic you've seen. lmfao.
After being sober for a lil bit I can think of only one reason that I'd go back to all that insanity. Because I'd want to. I've heard a million and a half stories about people relapsing and the bottom line is people relapse because they want and need to drink. That's what alcoholics do.
Now being a drunk and getting sober is a different story. Let the battle commence! Choose your weapons well! It's definitely an uphill battle! Lot's of meetings and lot's of leaning on others is the key to getting sober as I see it.
