I posted this on another message board, and thought I should post it here as well, as this is one of the few message boards I go to now:
If I post something... something that doesn't seem like me or I use a different name, don't freak out... I'm kinda going through something right now that hasn't happened in a long time... I don't know if I have it but it seemed as if I had multiple personalities years ago, everything that happened fits the diagnosis to a T.
They kinda went away about the time I pushed the abuse issues away and put up my walls... I haven't heard from them in several years... I started dissociating recently... nothing like the MPD, it was "normal" dissociating where I knew what was going on but couldn't control it... all the MPD stuff came up in counseling with my husband Monday night and since then I've been thinking of it a lot...
I "talked" to them, the alters, last night. I was scared that if Nikki came out she'd drink, I was scared Brianna would self-injure which I've been working hard at not doing. I told them if they're still there I love them, and in some crazy way I miss them. I had remembered that they started with the dissociating and that kinda scared me. I haven't dissociated since they "left".
Sometime after that I blacked out and burned myself, I don't remember doing it, that's how it started way back then, Brianna would self-injure and I wouldn't remember it.
I hadn't heard their voices, but a little while ago I heard Brianna's voice, I heard a voice saying "I'm mad at you". I tried to talk back but no reply.
It seems odd that this would come up now after all these years, although I have been working on the abuse issues and going through a whole lot of flashbacks and then the dissociation. It seems odd it wouldn't have come up sooner in the healing process, when I really wasn't handling things well. Maybe it took "talking" to them, telling them I miss them... don't get me wrong, it's not really that I *want* them back, but this crazy part of me does really miss them... having that little kid, Amanda, to comfort and take care of, and Brianna, mad at the world Brianna, to love because she needs someone to love her... and Nikki... well, she was a bit wild, but at the same time I loved her for how she took care of Amanda and disciplined Brianna at times, and she was like a friend at times... In that crazy way I miss them, I was never lonely when I had them.
I didn't think too much on the blacking out, except that I hadn't been having any bad thoughts to bring on something like that, that it was odd that it happened... but hearing Brianna's voice, it was just that one little sentence... but it tells me she's still there...
Anyway... I don't know if they'd come in here, Brianna used to post on my message boards, how she would get mad at me for something, or how she hated herself... she was always crying out for help... Amanda only talks to people she knows I trust with my life, the people I'm really close to... there have been times when I wasn't doing good that she'd go into a forum and tell them I'm sad or something... Nikki as far as I know didn't come out a whole lot around people...
I heard a kid crying last night... I have to wonder if that was Amanda... it was an older kid than the baby in the apartment under us...
I don't know... I just didn't want to freak anyone out in case it happens... I think they may be finding their way back... It's all happening just like it did years ago...
Okay, I won't freak out. I do hope, tho, that you're staying tight with your counselor as you deal with this. My prayers are with you, this cannot be an easy thing to experience. A big hug, it'll be okay, love Chris (wren)
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Wow, that is a lot that you are going through, feeling for you right now. And I agree 100% with Wren, about your Therapist, you had said a while ago, that with his trust you could go forward with this work, but is he equipted to handle what is now going on. I would seek out and find someone that DOES Specialize in the field of MPS, there are out there Lisa, many many people in that field. So I hope that you do not have to go through this tough tough time alone.
Not freaked out, but very CONCERNED for you right now. Please take care of yourself, talk to your Counselor as to his experience, and if he does not have some experience, with MPS, my take is that you would need to find some additional help.
So much love is being sent to you with this, watching you struggle like this, so sorry that this has come up.
Love, Toni
Came back just to say that I used to attend a Saturday, all Woman's Group, called intimate feelings, it was 2 hours long, and there was a young woman that was going through just what you are going through, and she talked about every week, and she happened to live down the street from me. When I would see her, she never wanted to say anything other than hi, she did her close circle of friends, and well so did I. But watched the progress she made in those years, and yes again, I agree with Wren, everything is going to be ok.
We are all sisters in Recovery, remember that, ok.???????
Thanks y'all... I'm talking with my counselor about all this... he told me today he has dealt with people with multiple personalities, and of course he and his intern had to take a class on it as well. So, he's not specialized in it, but he has worked with people with it, he said part of it is going to be trying to get them to talk to him, that that would be part of integrating them, kinda working through their issues, like getting the 13 year old to get past her "mad at the world" thing and hating herself and hating me at times. Right now she's mad at me and I don't know why, but in the past I always found out, whether that was the other alters telling me about it, or her talking to hubby or her posting on a message board or sending an email that I would find out about. This is part of why I posted this, she may come out here, she'd be more likely to come out at another board where I'm really close to so many people there though.
My biggest concern is the oldest one... the one that used to drink... she was not an alcoholic, she didn't always drink much, but she liked to get drunk on occasion. I don't know if she's still there, I haven't heard from her, but I asked her if she's still there to please not drink. I don't know if she'll listen. I'm scared to death of this, I don't want to mess up my sobriety, but would that mess up my sobriety if I have no control over it and don't even know what's going on?? Kinda like my sponsor said my self-injury when I have dissociated didn't mess up how long I went without self-injury, I had no control over it, she compared it to if I took a sip of someone's drink, and then realized it had rum in it, it was an accident and wouldn't be a relapse as long as I didn't continue drinking. So if an alter drinks... would that mess up my sobriety? I can deal with the self-injury that Brianna does... but the drinking thing scares me.
i had to tell her to go, the one who drank, i could actually "see" her in my mind. she was crying really hard and it is still upsetting for me to think about it. it took a long time to find a therapist who could help me with this stuff. the healing is way slower than i want, i hate it when i am experiancing a lot of "symptoms" i love it when something shifts and the whole world looks "different" and i am lighter inside. hang in and dont give up. it does get better. love ya
It is as if alcoholism or any other ism is not enough to contend with, there has to be more and more Sh** piled either on top, or what we try to bury. As with the others on here I send prayers and big hugs. Take Care
Love Jo
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
