I keep having these flashbacks of me being a completely offensive idiot while drinking...some of them recent some from years and years ago. My girlfriend notices me cringing and wincing and asks whats wrong but I cant really explain it to her without sounding like a nut so I tell her I'm just gassy. Really it's horrible embarrassing memories of times when I willing tossed my dignity aside in a drunken stupor. It's not like I ever really forgot them but I certainly minimized them and did my best not to think about them.
I've quit drinking before but this never happened. When will it end?
Good question, and my take on this is, that when we work the Steps, it is that scary 4th Step, that holds all these old, and pretty Toxic memories, and when we do our Fifth Step, well they come pouring out of us, and the VERY GOOD News, is that they are no Longer a Part of us.
Purgeing these memories, was for me the very first Glimpse of Freedom, and well worth every knee knocking fear, (and by the way, that knee knocking fear, when these memories are brought up and out in the sunlight, the fear part of it, well that was just, in retrospect the part that didn't want to go forward, (the Diseased of Alcoholism) and for me, if I had not taking a deep deep breath, and done them anyway, my thinking is, well Recovery would never have continued.
Good to see you here, this morning.
Toni
PS. I will not mention the source, but one of my favorite lines from a book, is the Intense quesion of "Please release me.... from what holds me back" Very Powerful words, that seem to fit right in to this little talk our ours. My take anyway.
A lot of this guilt and remorse stuff can weigh on us pretty heavy...
We werent bad people bud...but we pulled off a lot of sick shit...and caused a lot of destruction...that we wouldnt have done if we hadnt a been drinkin..
Jekyle and Hyde
What youre feeling is pretty normal...and as Toni says...all a part of step four and five...and the start of cleaning up the wreckage from the past...a part of getting in touch with the real you buddy..and also getting in touch with that big pile..that we can hide behide a big wall, for only so long..
You have a good day...Glad to meet a part of Tipsy that weve never seen before...
Ps..Has anyone got a net? Ide like to bag Tipsys Frog....lol
-- Edited by Phil at 13:52, 2006-10-11
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I really do agree with what Toni has already said. I was terrified of doing my 4th and 5th step but I knew that to have a good sobriety that was exactly what I needed to do.
The sense of freedom that I felt when I had done my step 5 was unbelievable. I started to feel very different from that moment on. I had convinced myself that I was a truly bad and evil person, but having done the work on the steps I came to realise that I was neither – just an alcoholic doing my best.
Hang in there and it really will get better for you. Please let us know how it is going for, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
yeah sure tipsy,i can relate to that.every now and then my wife will say do you remember when........or my daughter will say dad i couldnt believe it when................Most of the time these days they laugh and i cringe.These things would bother me in the first year and sometimes interupt my sleep.doing an honest 4 and 5 helped alot but it took time to start to hold my head up again but it will happen and it will pass im sure.These days i think that they can be a gift,a little reminder of what i had become and how different i am today.
Ah, yes, those good old "rotten memories" ! Came back to bite me in the ass when I least expected it. Stuff I didn't even know I remembered!! Those memories are part of what keeps me sober today. "We shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.." .Only thing that eased it for me, STEP work.....glad you're still with us, Tips. Hang in there, it DOES get better.
-- Edited by Doll at 18:08, 2006-10-11
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
i got lots of those "memories" too my friend, i find them helpful on the odd occassion i get the old craving . the old saying pops in my head..if i take that drink, where will it take me? i am so grateful to be free of that rather unpleasant reality of active alcoholism. it took awhile for me to get it that i was quite a lunatic when drunk and really it wasnt so funny then. it's funny as hell now when i share my experiance. strength and hope with my buddies in the program, finally it's useful. yay! nice getting to know ya. take care.
You're right about one thing, these memories sure do make my cravings shrivel up and fall off...it's just painful because I'm remembering them like they happened yesterday and I'm racked with embarrassment.
