Toni Baloneykins!

                           That has to be one of the most beautiful and truthful little ditties I have ever seen and read!!!  Step by step, how very true what (true) love can do for someone and it does start with the acceptance and love of self (but we alkies know that because it's been one of our greatest problems to overcome).  Thank you so much for posting that.  I've got to figure out a way to print out just that entry. 

P.S.  If you or anyone else can explain how to do that and can explain it in Computer Ignance language, please let me know...Tim

I have had a lifetime of experiences I never asked for, some of them I understand, some of them I dont. The end of my drinking, my mind was broken. Delusion after delusion of being cured, terror of things I saw, mind shredding stuff.
I lay in bed awake every night, my teeth were literally chattering with pure insanity. I felt and saw stuff that was to terrifying to express in any human manner. Human terror has death as a last, pitiful hope.I wasnt human anymore, I was becoming the very demons that tormented me, and I felt I could die without even noticing. It would just continue.
Going into a half sleep, half dt coma one night, I was on a road. God's presence was at one end. I pressed forward towards Him, and the closer I got, the brighter it got, and the shame I carried grew searingly more powerful. Finally, it was literally impossible to draw any closer. The shame and guilt made it impossible to even look.
I turned around. The other direction, it grew darker, and the abyss and nothing that was so terrifying, silence was the only expression. It is impossible to describe it, and impossible to go further.
So I sat down. I felt empty of any feeling or emotion, and I sat, indian style, and set my face like stone.

I came out after that, back to this world and the obsessive compulsive nightmare turning around in my mind.
The next night or so, I was still in the same state. In this world, but still sitting there, where I was, impossibility in any direction.
As I lay there, in bed, sweating and shaking, I demanded audience with Jesus. I declared that He had abandoned me, and had left me to my fate. I demanded an answer with every shred of earnestness in me.
What happened next was the literal beginning of the end of my old life. I became conscious of a presence, standing back, and something else. My own heart. My own heart.. it was like leather, and callouses, nothing like the red, pink thing that beats in my chest, but as in a vision, cold, hard as a rock, like layer after layer of leather, and it was right there for me to see. That was His answer.
At that moment, I became consious of the solid core of hate, anger, just pure rage that was like a solid knot from heart to head. It literally consumed one of my eyes, and I could not open it all the way.
Insanity?
You people want to know what alcoholic insanity is? Is it just getting in a wreck or drinking more than you should, and you dont know why?
I decided tonight, I will tell you what insanity was for me.
The things that had chased me my whole life....
The demons that I commanded depart away from me.. over and over, since childhood as far back as I can remember.
It was all my own twisted, tormented emotions.
The first steps toward sanity cannot be taken without seeing the insanity for what it was. God wasnt sending me to hell,
All along He was waking me up to see the hell I was all ready in.