You know, I love how you can find AA online, I love this message board so much, and I have a couple of others with chat that I go to... one of them has been nothing but problems... I stay there because I tell myself those are just sick people... and because there are people there I love. But when I relapsed, they jumped all over me, chewed me out for it, said I was lying about things, said I didn't really want sobriety, etc etc etc... So I left there, it really wasn't good for me, well a couple of people that care about me there emailed, said they all had a talk about the way those people were treating me and it wouldn't happen again, to come back.
Everything's been fine there until last night.
So you know that post of mine, wanting to go to meetings, I posted that there too, and 2 people there jumped all over me for it, telling me this early in sobriety I should be going to more meetings than I do and I shouldn't miss a single meeting for anything, really jumped all over me, pulled the 90/90 thing on me, which I think is good, but isn't what necessarily keeps you sober, and it isn't for everyone.
We went back and forth over it, me trying to get my point across and them jumping all over me.
Finally tonight I just stepped back, looked at it, posted again, to everyone there, and said Not everyone is going to see eye to eye on everything. Not everyone's recovery is exactly the same. Things I say/do here, a lot of it comes from what my sponsor tells me to do... and ultimately I listen to my sponsor. And you don't have to agree with it. I told them I can't try to win them over (as my friend there keeps telling me), all I can do is be myself, be open and honest, and speak from my heart. And they can accept it or not.
I told them I'm not leaving because of just a couple of people, I'm not giving them that satisfaction, and there are people there that I'm getting to know and love and I'm not going to let a couple of people ruin that for me.
Finally I told them, This is ME, take it or leave it, I'm not changing for anyone.
It felt so good to just get that out tonight, and to just back off afterward. I'm not fighting with them anymore. My friend keeps reminding me there are some really sick people in that group, and I'm not wasting my time fighting with them. I've tried to make amends to one of them, trying to work out our differences, I do believe she's a very sick person, but I can see that towards some people she has a very big heart... just not to me. So I emailed her today and told her I want to put all this behind us. Waiting to hear back from her. I'm just doing what I can to get the crap to stop. I've done my part, now it's up to them. One of those people giving me crap, replied to my post, and basically said "You're right, from now on the only person I'm concerned with is myself"... I still don't think that's the right thinking, the way he said it, but hey, whatever works for him and gets him to stop his crap.
Sorry... just had to get all this out here... you know it just amazes me... just the way they acted... that's the first I've been introduced to "AA Nazis". But I'm proud of myself for just standing up for myself, and at the same time telling them this is it, no more of it, accept me or don't accept me for who I am.
I always thought of NA nazis.... wandering around...like zombies....chanting slogans....looking for brains to eat....BRAINS.....eat... Heheh You know, I just realized, no one can throw anything at me from where I'm sitting..heheh No, seriously, folks just take time to grow up. Their's also the consience deal here. It's there for a reason. Starts to teach you instead of just tormenting you all day. Which is why folks in recovery slowly begin to talk less crappy than they think, and then maybe slowly start to think less crappy than they feel... and then maybe, start to just plain feel less crappy, period. Does that make any damned sense? Keep coming back! heheh. Still growing up.
I just want to add, that when I am asking for advice, I'd better be ready to expect to get some, from alcoholics, whether I like what I hear or not...LOL
I like the Alanon slogan,
"Take what you like and leave the rest". Works for me. I don't have to feel run out of anywhere today.
Fact is, some people are so hell-bent on getting the message out, they come across real controlling. Those people probably do care for you and your recovery... but this is indeed a program of attraction, rather than promotion. That hell-fire and brimstone stuff is for a good sponsor, when one needs a butt-kicking, but doesn't seem to work real well on the newcomer... But back in the day, when AA first came on the scene, they were ruthless!! And it worked...??
Dunno... just glad you feel welcome here. And keep coming back, no matter what... or who...
All I know is that we all struggle. Each and every one of us. We are all sick people. We will always need help. The only thing I have to do is be open-minded, honest, and, yes, I'm gonna say it ..........WILLING!!!! That's advice I give myself every day. Oh yeah, my sponsor reminds me of that too!
The only important thing to remember is that no matter how bad I screw up today, it's alright as long as I don't pick that 1st one up, everything else can get worked out in due time. A.A. is all about finding solutions to what ever problem is ailing us at this moment in time.
One last thing...........some things are just meant to be left alone! I'm still trying to find out what these things are! Haha.
some things are just meant to be left alone! That was a tough one for me and still can be. When I leave things be, I will usually find an understanding. That verse in James, If any of you lack in understanding, ask of God, who gives without finding fault.. It works for me, along with the rest of it. I keep a ten foot stick in my mind, with which I poke at stuff constantly. Sometimes I just decide I've got it dirty enough for the day, when I find my mind revolving back towards something I need to leave alone for then. Sometimes I even poke at yall with my ten foot stick...uh..hmmm. Dirty enough for the day. Goodnight.
