I feel like a new person... it feels weird... just this weird feeling that I can't describe nagging at me all the time... but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
I'm having my ups and downs... sometimes what I'm dealing with gets me down... then I have counseling and we talk it over and usually I leave there feeling so much better.
I've been emailing my counselor so much since last Thursday, writing about my past, about my feelings, about new realizations I've made about myself... it amazed him and his intern to see that I could articulate my feelings and go in detail about what happened, when in person, talking about it, I'm very vague and beat around the bush. My intern kept going on about how well I write, how I write from the heart and I make it easy to understand...
I left counseling today feeling pretty good actually. And I figured I could make it to a meeting 5 minutes late, so I headed over there. My back's been giving me problems and I haven't been to a meeting since Sunday, it's a little better today, but I think I'm pushing it too much, I'll have to go lie down for a bit soon. I'm supposed to be taking it easy until I can get to the dr. But I needed that meeting today so I went.
The topic today was from As Bill Sees It, talking about how we gain strength from our defeat. Basically talking about how remembering how bad it was gives us strength to fight off the urges now. When he read it I really felt I could share on it, my last relapse nearly killed me, and has kept me from drinking again. He called on a few people, they rarely call on me because they know I don't share, I've shared maybe 3 or 4 times since my first couple of weeks in AA. And so far he hadn't asked if anyone wanted to share. I NEVER jump in, unless they ask that. Today my heart was screaming at me to talk, so I jumped in right before he called on someone.
I told them how when I came into AA I wasn't ready, my reasons for coming in were that my mind told me I had a problem, but I didn't really believe it, and I was sick of getting sick every night and waking up with a hangover... that wasn't enough though. I've been in and out of AA since June. Then I read that part in the big book that says if you have any doubts try some controlled drinking. I took that literally, went out and tried it, and it led to a 5 day binge that led to severe depression that led to a suicide attempt. I really thought I was going to die. I did drink 5 days later, I hadn't realized yet how bad it had gotten. I hadn't let it register that it had almost killed me. When I drank that night it was pure defiance. But I did realize how bad it was, it just hit me. I realized I had hit my bottom already, that yes, there could be a worse bottom coming up if I continued to drink, but for now, that was my bottom. August 15th I started over. And for over a month, no thoughts of drinking... until last Friday, everything I'm dealing with just got to be too much. But for the first time I fought it, I reminded myself how bad it had gotten, and how every time I drink it leads to bad depression, and how it almost killed me, and if I drank again it would surely kill me. I did what I was supposed to do - prayed and talked to other alcoholics. And I got past it. Remembering how bad it was before gave me strength, and realizing I could fight it if I wanted to gave me even more strength, told me that NOTHING has to make me drink. I CAN get through it if I want to.
AA has given me sooo much... It's giving me a new life. It's helping me actually to deal with things outside of AA, learning more about myself and others, making me feel better about myself, it's actually helping to deal with some of these things I've been working on in counseling... I am sooo grateful to be in AA... at first it seemed like a chore, something I had to do, but now it's something I want to do because it makes me feel so good.
Wow did I ever love reading what you just wrote, and from last week and the pain you were in. Great great work. Seems at times like Pain is the Motivator, getting it out, in a Theraputic envirornment, getting the encouragement to articulate. And also, just like he said, I also sometimes feel that when we put it in Writing, it makes it So. And we can get what feels all knotted up inside Out in the Open with someone Listening, and being supportive, and then can feel those knots just untangle.
Just wanted to say hi to you, I was very sick last week, and really could not even get it together to write on the Board, but was really feeling for the Pain you were in, and when I read your Post today, I just said a giant YAHOO.
Thanks Toni... I went without counseling for so long, and now I don't know what I would do with out it... same goes for AA. I've been having to get in with my counselor more often than we plan to, twice just in this week. Everything just overwhelms me and I have to get it out. But at least I'm seeing now that I need to get it out, if I don't it could lead me to doing things I don't need to do. I'm already wondering if I can make it to next Wednesday without seeing him, honestly... my mood swings are bad right now, was feeling great all day and then suddenly just got this feeling that I need to cry but I can't, and just feeling kinda crappy. But now I know that I WILL get through this, and when things get bad, I tell myself I could wake up tomorrow feeling great, that's the good thing about bipolar, you never know when your moods will change. Sometimes right now though, in this healing process, I just have to let myself feel the bad things and pray that it doesn't last too terribly long. It's a big thing to realize that, I mean, I need to fight it to some extent, not let it get too far down, but I don't have to completely fight it, I need some time to kinda acknowledge that those bad feelings are there and that it's part of healing. I email my counselor when those feelings set in, but I wait it out for a little bit before trying to get in sooner with him. If it lasts more than about a day I try to get in with him sooner. Because usually I feel better after talking it out.
Anyway... sorry, I'm rambling again... I've just felt the need to talk talk talk lately, get it all out, the good and the bad.
Well I was a person that needed a LOT of outside help and did get that Therapy along with my daily meetings, and it was in that Theraputic envirornment that I learned how to get all that was stored up over all those years, up and out, felt just like you do now, needed to talk so much of the time, once i started, and it was truly for me the beginning of that inside healing.
Sounds like you have a truly wonderful Therapist, and that is such a biggy, right there for you, and encourage you to just keep at it, with the writing and talking, and most importantly, I get the feeling he is "On Your Side". That was a first for me, in Therapy, someone that was there Rooting for me, she also knew how early Recovery, well I had three years at that Point, but had never expressed all that internal stuff. She to this day, is someone I speak to whenever i need to call her, and just like she was there for all those years of Therapy, she is alway right there for me.
So just wanted to say, just pour it out here, too when ever you feel that need. Recovery to me translates sometimes just into "getting it out, whatever it is" and then we are free to let it go.
Hugs Lisa, and so so happy to hear you doing so well, early Recovery is not Easy, and I give you so so much credit for the work you are undertaking.
