I'm getting to where I fear going to bed at night. I'm so tired right now, but hubby's still up, so I might as well stay up, or that's what I'm telling myself... truth is, I don't want to face the racing thoughts that I've always had at night that have only gotten worse in the past 2 months since I've been dealing with something from my past... I lie there and think about anything and everything, and usually a good portion of it is reliving something from my past. And the whole time I'm lying there I just feel so alone and hurt and scared, even if hubby is right there holding me. Maybe tonight I'm thinking if I stay up late enough I'll be tired enough to go right to sleep... I know that doesn't work though, it'll still take me at least a couple of hours to get to sleep. It's so hard to calm my mind down, I try and try and then something else pops into my mind and it's off again... after a couple or three hours I can usually lie there and focus on my breathing and eventually fall asleep without more bad thoughts. I'm tempted to just stay up tonight, to have one night of peace... although it's really not a night of peace because my mind is still in a roundabout way focusing on the past.
Funny thing is, if I sleep on the couch, I don't have the racing thoughts. But hubby gets upset when I sleep on the couch too much, and he and future bro-in-law are up watching a movie now anyway.
I can't even pray anymore, well, not more than asking God to keep me sober, and then thanking God for keeping me sober... when I try going into a long prayer my mind takes over and is off in other directions.
I'm so truly sorry that you are feeling alone, hurt and scared. Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you.
I recently had to deal with something from my past when I was working through the steps with my sponsor. I can really identify with the fear of going to bed at night. I tried everything that I could think of including having a warm bath, drinking de-caf tea and coffee only; reading my favourite book or watching my favourite movie.
Please know that these times will pass for you as surely as they passed for me. Lisa, they really will. Then, you have the joy of being free from the demons of your past and that's a great feeling and freedom.
Hang in there, dear.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Lisa, I remember in the beginning of sobriety, allthefeelings that had been anesthetized and smashed away, coming back. Remembering things I wished I hadn't. Alot of night pacing, trying to tire myself out. I occasionally still have them (note the time I'm posting this!). What I learned was that once I had them in front of me, I could either examine them over and over, obsess on them until I was a wreck and walking zombie, or I could just see them for what they are; the past. When I tried to understand why I kept obsessing, I came to realize that I hung onto them for many reasons. First, living with them in my face meant I could stay right there in that stuck place, never having to move forward. It meant that I had some place to direct all this out-of-control emotion I was experiencing. As long as I hung onto this chaos in my head, I didn't have to face the reality that only in releasing them and accepting that "this is my past. This is what I was responsible for, and this is what others did to me." Acceptance, release. I know I harp on that, but it is what worked for me. Keeping them helped me to justify myself. Releasing them meant I had to take responsibility for myself, forget what's done, and chose to make each day different than that past. There were nights and days, where I would furiously write what was in my head, and then burn the paper in the wood stove as a symbolic way of letting go and letting God. Once they were burned up, I no longer allowed them to own me, to have power over me. You have taken on a huge amount of inner reflection for so early in sobriety. It complicates the whole reason we are here--and that is to live for today. In the beginning, we need to keep it simple. As our sobriety and program progress, then we can baby step these issues, one at a time, with our Higher Power, our sponsor, our friends, and for me, I availed myself of therapy.
There are nights, like tonight, where I have things that are weighing heavily on me, and my mind won't turn off until I acknowledge to myself that the things that are going on? I have no power over what so ever. But, there is a Power out there much greater than I am who will take the concerns. But only if I release them to that Power, knowing I'm doing, just for today, the best job I can. Give yourself a break, Lisa, and allow you to be good to yourself. The dues have been paid. We deserve the rest. hugs, Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I don't know how much of this I can take... I'm exhausted, I just want to pass out. I tried going to bed, almost as soon as I got in bed all the bad thoughts and flashbacks came rushing in... I had a new memory of something he did to me... and my heart's racing, I had a panic attack and my heart's still racing from it... when I close my eyes I see it all over again. I'm exhausted and I want to go to sleep! I just want all of this to STOP!!! Before it was just visual, ocasionally remembering a certain sound and hearing it again... now there's a taste to go with it and I can't get it out of my mouth. It's gross, I want it to go away! I've tried all day to keep my mind off of it... well I was able to keep my mind off of what actually happened, but not how it affects me now. I'm trying to back off from it, I really am, after how the writing exercise yesterday got me down, I know I need a break from it, but my mind keeps going back to it and I try to think of something else but it forces its way back into my thoughts.
I tried calling my sponsor, but her phone didn't wake her up. I'm not wanting to drink though... I just want to sleep. I just want all of this to stop.
I went thru a lot similar stuff. Spent a -full- two days writing a fourth step non stop, exept getting good and drunk in the middle, because the things that had chased me my entire life weren't slacking off anymore. One stumble now, and they where on top of me. I feel I had to go through every bit of it now, had to be whooped enough to listen, but it took enough whooping to kill me. Can you get more numbers? How about one of you ladies on here? Long distance isn't crap nowdays.
I'm not even on the 4th step yet, still on the 1st step... my past came crashing down on me a couple of months ago, I'd been in counseling for a short time... we've been discussing these issues and trying to work through them... sometimes it gets better... sometimes it gets worse... right now it's worse... My sponsor suggested not writing in detail about it until after I did my 4th step, but I didn't listen, thought I was ready for it, and it just made things worse.
Lisa, if you go to the main board for MIP? You will see another board called CAS. The folks on the CAS board have gone through exactly what you are going through now, and can help you in this particular area much better. Some very strong women there. Please check it out, perhaps they can give you insight that many of us here are unable to, given the circumstances? blessings, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Wren wrote: Lisa, if you go to the main board for MIP? You will see another board called CAS. The folks on the CAS board have gone through exactly what you are going through now, and can help you in this particular area much better. Some very strong women there. Please check it out, perhaps they can give you insight that many of us here are unable to, given the circumstances? blessings, Chris
Chris, that board seems to be dead... I've posted a little, and no responses, and no new posts... but I did find a couple of other forums with chat that I am going to now for it. And they are helping me a great deal. I don't know why I'd never thought about abuse forums, I have forums for everything else. It just never crossed my mind. Thanks for the suggestion.
