I'm hurting a lot right now... I'm depressed, angry, raging... I was having fleeting thoughts of drinking... just thoughts like "I could use a drink right now" or "I need something to numb all this". I talked to some other alcoholics and I think I'm past it for now. I DO just want something to numb all this, but not alcohol. If I drink I'll only get more depressed and pissed off at myself. I don't know what I want/need right now. I need something to make me feel better. I managed to numb my feelings for about an hour when this started, fighting all the feelings away but it couldn't last. I can feel the tears welled up inside me and they won't come out no matter how bad I want them to - I haven't cried in over a year. I don't know what I need, I guess I just need some support and I know I can get that here. I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.
Glad to see you posting again. Yes, as Phil just said, sometimes walking thru the pain is what we need to do. It's how we learn how to deal with it in the future, because gods know, pain comes up for all of us. The lessons come in dealing with it clean and sober, reaching out to others, talking it thru with others that have been there. Numbing it only allows it to build, and then it comes out all sideways, in anger and depression. Even then it's still there to deal with.
I'm glad you could post about your feelings, and that you recognize them. Hold onto your Higher Power, you will get thru this. Somethings? You just have feel then and then release them in order to stay sane. Keep posting, Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I've been repressing some memories for somewhere around 7 years or so. I first remembered the abuse 3 years after it happened. Then I repressed it for so long. It was probably a big cause of my drinking, drinking to repress it and to numb my feelings. The memories surfaced again about 2 months ago... journaling led to severe depression, relapses, and a suicide attempt. So we backed off. Now my counselor's having me use a workbook, at my own pace, doing the writing exercises in it. So I got to the third exercise today, writing in detail what happened... I was fine while I was writing, well, ok anyway, and after I finished and I read back over it I just went numb and fought away all feelings, I knew the depression was coming. Once I started feeling the depression and anger and rage and everything I wanted to drink. My husband doesn't get it, he says it was 10 years ago so I should be over it by now. I ordered a book for him to read today. He said he'd read it... we'll see.
Is it crazy for me to try going through this with only 38 days sober?? Some people in a chat room I go to thought it was. If I'm careful with it I'm ok... I just wasn't ready for that exercise even though I thought I was. And it was my stupidity, my sponsor had suggested not writing about it in detail until I did my fourth step, but I thought I was ready anyway.
"Is it crazy for me to try going through this with only 38 days sober?? You found out..:) and I think have answered your own question....
Easy Does It....:)
I have a sponsor..Hes over 80...but he is very wise..
His take? Bring it to the surface..a bit at a time..feel the pain...and let it go...at your pace..And not the whole pailfull at once...
Then again..we all go our own roads in sobriety and whatever works...
I remember many moons ago...when first getting sober...
Had a sponsor that told me...that all I was capable of for the first 365 days was ,not drinking and going to a meeting every night..And his favorite line was "Dont Even Think Stupid, Because You Cant" He was Right..
Some are sicker than others(smile)
Take care of number one eh....
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
FEEL what you're feeling. It works...........are you journaling? This always helps me, a form of Step 4.....the first 6 months were overwhelming for me, it's a sign the fog is lifting, it gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets better. My sponsor's rule of sorts, it will take one month for each year of drinking to get a "handle" on things....just don't use, and hold on, it WILL pass........prayers to you.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
