My name is Jana and I am faced with the realization that I am an alcoholic. I have been avoiding this truth for years. Every time something bad happens, as a direct result of my drinking, I have different excuses for my behavior. However, owning up to my drinking problem has never been an option. Why not? Well then I would have to face my problem. And I enjoy(ed) drinking, so why would I want to stop? Everything changed last weekend though. No matter how bad I want to, I cannot run away this time.
To give you a liitle background about myself, I am 26 years old, have a professional career, have a house with my boyfriend, and am finishing up my bachellors degree. I have had multipe DUI's and currently have a breathalizer in my car. But of course, I have an excuse for that as well. This is how I am able to deal with myself. I had 2 DUI's when I was 20. These were within 2 months of each other. I threw out my tickets and did not appear in court. I finally got myself a good attorney that 'had friends in high places' so I was able to just pay my fines and loose my licence for a year. But of course, I still drove. My friends and I would always go to different bars and we would drive, not thinking much of it. Then I got another DUI. This time my attorney could not help me. I was charged with 5 months in a work release jail and ended up serving almost 4 months. I was released early for good behavior as well as for completing a drug/ alcohol treatment program. I wish I had taken this treatment seriously. I just figured it would be a way for me to 'get released' earlier, as well as be a nice change to the cell block that I was on.
When I was released, I thought that I could drink only if I did it in a controlled manner. However, once I start drinking, my body physically needs more....no matter how much I consume, it is not enough. I typically would drink on Fridays and Saturdays because I knew that I would not be up to par for work if I chose to drink on a weeknight. Lately, my boyfriend and I would have people over on the weekends and drink here until the morning hours. My boyfreind has expressed his concern to me on more than multiple occasions, but I think he loves me so much that he just deals with it. By the end of the night I would usually be a little sloppy and drunky. Gross.
Last weekend we had our housewarming party. We had just over 50 people attend. Of the guests that were here, my best friend and her husband attended. My boyfriend and I would see them at least once a week and I talked to her on the phone on an almost daily basis. I would never do anything to hurt her. Anyhow, I had cooked lots of dishes, we even had 13 chickens on rotissere in the backyard. I was so excited. Festivities started at 2 pm.
During lunch, I had expressed to my parents that I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend and that I was anticipating a ring by the end of the year. Although they were excited, this kind of took them by surprise, as I had never expressed this interest in anyone before.
Later in the evening, I blacked out. The last thing I remember is sitting with some friends in the garage, passing around a liquor bottle. From my understanding everone else left. It was now just myself and my best friends husband out in the garage. Not good. I don't have the slightest idea as to how things progressed but I woke up in the morning in the basement to yelling and screaming. I found myself naked, as was my best friends husband.
My boyfriend called my dad to get me. I was dragged out of the house kicking and screaming. My friend and her husband will most likely be getting a divorce.
There is no excuse for this one. I cannot continue to live my life like this. I am humiliated and discused by my actions. I cannot believe that I did such a thing. I went to my first AA meeting this morning and the first half hour was rough. Tears just streamed down my face because I realize there is no turning back. I absolutely have to do this. I cannot drink anymore. All of my problems stem from alcohol. It is contaminating my life and pushing those that I love farther away than I am able to salvage.
The reason for my posting today is that I need support. I am having a very hard time and quite frankly am feeling extremely depressed. It is reasurring to know that I am not the only one that struggles with this. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your very honest post. And, welcome to MIP. It really is a great place to be. I pop by here several times each day.
My name is Carol and I'm an alcoholic. I'm 41 years old and should have started going to AA about 10 years ago if I had been honest with myself. But, I simply couldn't face the fact that I have a drinking problem. I hoped that it would 'sort itself out one day'. Of course, that day never came.
I could never control my drinking, although I tried on a daily basis. The minute I had that first drink that was me resigned to spending the rest of the day drinking and getting completely drunk. I was powerless over it.
My boyfriend and I lived together and we were always very happy, until my drinking got in the way. I was always drunk by the end of the evening and unable to walk and talk properly. After one particularly bad occasion he threatened to leave me if it happened again. It happened again. I love him more dearly than I have ever loved anybody. We are now working on getting back together.
I have now been back in AA for nearly 10 months and my life is turning round now. I feel good about waking up in the morning and feeling bright and not hung-over. It's great to be able to remember everything that I did or said the evening before. I have lost countless evenings to being in black-out.
Well done on going to your first AA meeting this morning. I remember my first meeting and I felt like crying all the way through it. But, I knew that I was in the best place that I could be. I wanted what all of these other good people had. I wanted sobriety.
I now have it.
Please keep going to meetings. They have kept me sober for over six months now. I bought a copy of The Big Book as soon as I could and read and read it. I used the internet for research and to find super boards just like this one. Please keep coming back and reading and posting, won't you?
Take it easy on yourself and hang in there for one day at a time. We are all here to help and support you. You are not alone. Please know that.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I knew I was an alcoholic at age 26 too. I had gotten 5 DUI's. Everything seemed so out of control, I just gave up. I did attend some AA meetings and make a start, but I went down long and dark roads for the entirety of my 20's, getting worse. A lot of things I said I would never do I did before it was over.
I tell you this because there is HOPE. Even when I gave up on myself, the kind and understanding women in AA did not give up on me. i kept falling down, and they kept accepting me with open arms. They just hugged me and said, "Keep coming back".
I could never have gotten off that 'down-only' elevator without AA. Detoxes and treatments were very helpful things for me, and I have been through many. But AA meetings is where the real healing took hold.
I pray that you will find AA, and that you will 'keep coming back'. Know that you are not alone unless you allow yourself to be. Help is there, in the meetings of AA.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are progressing. You are being prayed for and thought of, Jana.
Welcome to MIP Jana. YOU are what this board is all about; the newcomer. Your story is alot like mine and many of us. I hope you keep coming back. Kudos to making a meeting. That took heart. Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
my name is Tonya and I am an alcoholic, 4 days sober. I am 35 years old and married with a 13 month old. I wish I would have had the strength and courage at your age to make this life change. Please stay strong and know you are never alone.
Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate it. This is helping.
I feel I am in such a lonely place and am having a hard time with my daily activities. I feel like everything I enjoyed, previous to last weekend are so trivial now. Taking daily jogs, playing with my dog, working, etc. all does not seem to matter to me now. (I took some time off of work because I am having a hard time dealing with things.) It seems like these things just don’t matter, when everything else is falling apart. (I have been taking care of my dog, but just not giving him the attention I used to.) Everything seems to be dull to me. I am numb. I am just so disgusted by myself that all I want to do is lay in bed.
How do I move on? The biggest obstacle I think I will have is what to do on a Friday or Saturday night. I think not drinking will be a little difficult, but not the biggest challenge. The bigger obstacle will be what the hell am I going to do? It seems all people do on weekends is get together and 'socially' drink. Be it at someone's house, a bar, or a sporting event. Alcohol is always included in the function. I cannot remember a function I went to that did not involve people around us drinking. I will not be able to handle that. So, the obvious answer is...'don't go where people around you will be drinking'. Okay, so where is that, because I can't think of anything. I think in the beginning I will just not be able to do much. What will I do on weekend nights? Go to movies? I would ideally like something more social. What can I substitute drinking with? That is the largest question I have. I know I will try to keep busy, but what will I do? What does everyone else do?
My friends will probably feel like I am pushing them away, but I will let them know that I am unable to 'hang out' (at least in the beginning) if alcohol will be present. This will eliminate almost everything. Then I have thought, have I just been hanging out with people who drink? Do I know of anyone else that doesn’t drink? No one from work, or otherwise comes to mind. I live in Milwaukee, aka Brew City. It was front page news last week that we are the number one drinking city in the nation. This is probably not the best city for an alcoholic. But, then where is, eh?
Any suggestions on how to move on would be great. My 2 main questions (for now) are:
1. How do I get this numb, depressed feeling to go away? I need to get my ass in gear and out of bed, but I feel like a zombie so this is proving to be a bigger challenge than anticipated.
2. What do I do on weekends if I don't drink?
Thanks again for everyone’s support. Oh, and I will be going to another AA meeting today.
So good to see you here, and Pray that the meetings of Alcoholic's Anonymous will be where you will find the face to face support, it takes so much courage to begin, and you are doing that.
So happy you are here with us, and sharing from your Heart.
A big Welcome Hug,
My name is Toni, and I am a Recovering Alcoholic. Truly amazing things begin, with just that first step forward into the arms of A.A. We are here just for you.
My name is Tim and I'm an Alcoholic also. A warm welcome to the site! This is a great place to post your feelings and get some feeback. As has been said, it doesn't replace the value of meetings, but rather complements them.
You sounds as though you've had your share of problems with alcohol and also sounds as though you're ready to rid yourself of them. A great decision!! But also one that can be tough at first. It is possible if you have the will to do it. Just keep those problems you've had somwhere within easy reach in your memory and how you NEVER want to go back there and hurt yourself and the others around you whom you love and who love you.
I wish you great success and keep coming back!...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
For me, and many others, the answer to that question of "what do I do now", was in the attendance of AA Meetings, and a lot of them, it will only take a short while, to feel that this can be you new home and replacement for all the "Social Drinking." Not an easy transition I am talking about, but the saying in AA, is that if you want to not Slip, stay away from Slippery Places. We do need to be willing to go to any lengths, this is a very Powerful, and deadly Disease that we share, and the Progression of the Disease is also there.
Do hope that you can find a schedule of Meetings, maybe doing some research on a Woman's Recovery Home, if you feel you might need that get a way, for the transition, this is a Powerful life changing experience, one that I hope you will not miss.
And you can find a local meeting schedule on the internet, for your area. And what any AA meeting will give you from the first day, is a sense of HOPE, that you can leave those hard times behind, and Live in the Hope that is in this Program of A.A.
Getting your hands on an AA Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, would also be something that you could purchase at your first meeting.
Picking up the telephone to any AA local chapter, can be another way of beginning.
My Prayers go out to you dear, just reaching out to others, just like you have here, in person, is all that it takes. Just take Baby Steps.
Toni
The first Step in Recovery, is that "We are Powerless over Alcohol - that our lives have become unmanagable".
Just a PS to the comment of worrying about how your friends will feel? Like you are abandoning them?? - well look at the alternative please, when you drink, you abandon You, the most important person in your Life!
Today, I have the best friends I have ever had in my life, and they support my Recovery, personally, the friends I thought I had, before they all left, in my drinking days, when my drinking took everything from me, all my friends, my own family stayed away during that botton in this Disease. In Recovery, we find friends that will last a life time. and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is always there, and is always going to be there. hope this answer some of your questions dear.
SO so glad you are going to another AA meeting, Jana.
The first time I stopped drinking, I felt the same as you. I had NO idea what I was going to do with myself. I found meetings that were on Friday and Saturday nights, met people my age at these meetings, and found out where they were going. I went out for coffee with them, we went bowling, to arcades, and to dry clubs and sang karaoke... sober!! I know it may not sound all that interesting right now to you, but there IS fun to be had after alcohol. Maybe you could find out if there are any dry clubs in your area... you may want to ask some people you meet at AA meetings what there is to do around Milwaukee without alcohol present.
As far as the depression, the fear, and the remorse, the only thing that truly made these things 'better' for me was to not drink one day at a time, keep going to meetings, and do ALL the things that were suggested of me. I soon had a sponsor, a homegroup, and a few friends in AA, and so I had a lot of new things in my life, and not quite as much time to be 'stuck' in my bed worrying and being miserable. There is also counselling, too, if the depression becomes serious. But I would venture to say that most, if not all of us, were pretty depressed upon sobering up and being so well aware of what we had become.
Stick close to those meetings, and get a few phone numbers of women who have been where you are at. You will find that with the right help, you too can do this. If I could stay sober, anyone can!!
It helps me to put things into perspective and to see that: a) I am not the only one with these issues, b) There is life after drinking/ partying, and c) Going back to drinking is not an option (because I will loose more of my friends/ family/ and/or anything else I care about, and be left more ashamed of myself than I already am).
This is day 3 and I will be attending another meeting this evening. I am out of bed. YAY! This weekend will be tough, but damnit, I can do it!
