Fear keeps us from leading meaningful lives and having meaningful relationships.
Inner Dragons
Our inner dragons of fear can keep us from having meaningful relationships. These fears can make us run from love and intimacy and hide from the very things we say we most want. Fear and relationships do not belong together.
Fear patterns begin early in life and affect every relationship we have. José Stevens, in his book Transforming Your Dragons, discusses these very fear patterns.
Dr. Stevens says the people who have great amounts of fear waste a lot of energy. They repeat the same mistakes over and over, and tend to see the world in black and white terms. They will see themselves as perfect or they will see themselves as worthless.
The fearful person moves away from their core self, living life in numbness. They let other people dictate their life roles, and they carry great despair in the center of their being. They are only half-alive.
Neurotic Fears
Neurotic fears wreak havoc in a relationship. A person who feels unworthy and unlovable will not make a good mate. A doormat person may say they love you, but it is just a sign of the need for approval and affection.
Fear of Aggression
The type of person who has the fear pattern of aggression does not trust people and protects themselves by attacking first, before others can attack them. This type of person can lead a lonely life. When you are detached and aloof because of your vulnerability and fear of getting hurt, you can feel pretty lonely. You also distance relationships when you judge and criticize others.
Passivity
Another fear pattern is when you are passive in a relationship. You never have to make a decision or take action. This is the pattern of low self-esteem.
Impatience
Another type of inner fear pattern makes you act impatiently and intolerantly with others. In this way, you will quickly alienate and irritate other people.
Victim Pattern
Still another pattern, which we call the "victim", will blame you for everything and name you as the abuser. They will not take responsibility for their own actions, and they do not make good partners.
Always Needing More
The kind of person who can never get enough, which is another fear dragon, will demand a lot in a relationship but give very little. And still another type, the person who fears control and abandonment, will be controlling themselves and will often have strong addictions.
Stubbornness
The last type of fear pattern belongs to the person who hates authority and is rebellious and stubborn as a result. This stubbornness is difficult to deal with in a relationship.
All of us have some of these fears, so it is easy to see why relationships can be so difficult. It is fear that keeps us from leading meaningful and fulfilling lives, so the main work in our lives is confronting these fears and releasing and healing them.
Dr. David R.Henson http://www.trauma-relief.com
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Well, holy shmoley, Phil. Just got done posting to Carol and touched on this very thing. I'd say great minds think alike, but alas, I'd be stretching it to say we had great minds, wouldnt I? LOL, love Wren
__________________
"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I had to take a second... and third look at this post.
Great stuff, and goes along well with the codependency we alcoholics are afflicted with so badly, when we first get sober, and beyond.
I notice you have posted a lot of Melody Beattie stuff too, Phil. I have had to spend years of my life with my nose in those books, and in counselling for CODA stuff, and I have now only merely scratched the surface.
So glad for all the powerful readings this site churns out. Thanks!!
Oh, Joni, you are so right. My first truly serious relationship after the first time I got clean was with another addict. Talk about scary. "Where were you? Well, if you go then I'm going too". I'm surprised either of us could go pee alone. I truly believed that the sun rose and set on this man.
When first getting clean, (and yes, beyond) I had never had a healthy relationships in which to base a new relationship on. They had all been coda or worse. And yes, all stemming from our respective fears. It was that horrible, OMG, I can't breath unless I know where you are and when. Horrible stuff. And I continued in that cycle for much longer than I like to think. It's only right if you say it's right kinda thing. And then there was a day, don't know when or why, but I found myself saying " my job (JOB, mind you!) is not to be happy for myself, but to make those around me happy". It was that day that I realized I was feeding into both our sicknesses, and that I had just spent years over compensating for the (perceived) selfishness I felt my life had been. So, then I was faced with the real question "what is balance?". How much do I give, how much do I take? And is any of it possible within this relationship?
It wasn't, so I started over from scratch, and the biggest favor I did myself, ever ever, was to live in (gasp!) celibacy for a year. Get to know myself before knowing someone else. I was still coda, but by gods, it was on an alano club and the meetings. Then I took all relationships, with both romance and friendships, very slowly. Learning. Trying to see what this new world called 'balance' was about. Well, I learned about it, but havent' always applied it, but atleast I know now, and try to read the warning signs.
I think what I find sad about this for myself? Is how messed up I am when it comes to becoming close to people. Trying not to be extreme in either " safe emotional distance", or getting too close. I still have not learned healthy detachment ( altho Phil is certainly helping me with that, not to his knowledge, in our talks). It's okay to detach with love. So, the dichotomy (right word?) of either caring too much or not enough. Releasing too soon, or not soon enough. Make sense? After all these years, and alot of therapy, I still have troubles in this area. Discernment. So, I pray alot...... hugs Wren
__________________
"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I sure can identify with those sick relationships you talked about, and being responsible for everyone else's happiness... even the sickest of them!! I had a few of those 'couldn't live withouts' too, and did indeed do a lot of drinking over those. Many times, without realizing it, I tried to make significant others my Higher Power. But no matter what, they didn't love me enough, or in the right ways, or on my terms, or when I demanded it. I didn't know how to give love, I only tried to manipulate others into giving it to me. The things I did for these people weren't coming from a full heart and spirit, overflowing... they were done to receive some type of security or esteem. I really had not a clue of what I was doing when I was innocently trying to 'love'.
In my first 'batch' of quasi-recovery, I had about 11 months clean, not in any relationships for over a year (no sex either) and met a terrific guy who was not an alcoholic. He was 'spiritual', and he had come to rescue me. (lol) His true colors started to come out after a while, an as impossible as it was, I told him it was the pot and the drinking-at-home when I was over, or ME. He begged me back and we went these rounds, completely against my better judgement (and AA's) and naturally, I got high. It was a doosey. I was gone, running the streets for 2 weeks. I came back, started backl to meetings, and he abruptly joined Alanon to 'help me with my problem'. He must not have been listening very well because he suffocated me; doing 'drive-by's' at the women's meetings to see if I was there, calling me every 15 minutes, 24/7. And he kept smoking pot because he could 'handle it', and had the 80K a year job and the sportscar to prove it. Instead of ending it, I stayed and all this nonsense went on and on and on, and I couldn't keep a month together, and he got fed up and left and moved to the West Coast. Not long after I became glad. I could work on myself.
The more I went to counselling and the more involved I got in working my steps, I wanted nothing to do with any man. I spent several years sober, living by myself in a beautiful old fixer-upper 1920's apartment, just me and my cat. I fell in love with going to bed alone and waking up that way too. I could finally be alone and not be 'lonely'. God was becomeing my significant other. I would say, "God is the only 'man' I need in my life, thank you." I got my crap together for once in my life during that time, and now that I am marired, i do miss those days of being accountable to only me and god, on the homefront.
Today, every once in a great while I get a twinge of worry about my husband, only worrying if he is ever going to be an alcoholic or not. (LOL) And that's really all I EVER worry aboput with him!! The worst of my codependency rears its ugly head when trying to help others. It is hard to let people sit in their SH*T when you love them and have been where they are at. But today, for my own sanity, and for their journey, I just let em' sit in it. They will come out when they are ready, or they won't and they'll die or find someone else.
I really have to work hard to recognize when I am 'needing' someone to be something they weren't intended to be for me. I am still on the journey of trying to need my Higher Power more than people, who, like myself, are flawed.
If I ever find myself single again, I hope to GOD I stay that way!!!! LOLOL I think that's why I am not having children, either. My track record SUCKS!!!
It was nice getting to know eachother a little better. Peace to you tonight!!.. and sorry.. typo's.. it's too late to edit.
