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Post Info TOPIC: Responsibility For Family Members
Phil


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Responsibility For Family Members
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The Language of Letting Go.

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous


For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.


We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.


Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.


We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.


Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.


Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Toni Baloney


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Hi Phil,


I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
--Anonymous


This did actually go on when  I left my Family of Origin house, the day I turned 18 years old, my Sister, had come to drive me to live with her, and right in the middle of her visit, my Mother passed out, clutching her heart area.


I had been her little "slave" for so many years, was so terrified of her, I was a "yes mame" person for all the years that I lived with her and her untreated mental illness.  Erratic mood swings that would scare the bejessus out of anyone.


Today, I was thinking back to that moment of wondering, "well, should I just step over her, on the way out the door",  it was my day of Freedom, and NOTHING was stopping me. My Sister called her Doctor. The Paramedics came, and revived her, but what a pycho-sematic Control reaction. Today, mello drama is something I will avoid at any cost.


Thank God with the Program of Recovery and many years in Therapy, I began to become the person that did not live with the memories of living in Mortal fear everyday, freedom finally arrived from all the toxic Fears stored in my memories. It is Possible to Un-Learn every wrong message.


Today, many years now that she has been gone, and any residual resentments are also gone,  and I Pray that she can "Rest in Peace". 


So happy that today, with modern medicine, people do not have to be "mentally tortured" with some mental illness, so many good medications are there, and people can live relatively o.k. lifes. 


Fear of being "locked up in an Insane Asylum" was a very real issue that many years ago, and I would imagine  was the reason that many many people hid, to the outside world their illnesses, for if they were to openly talk about what was going on in their minds, surely the Insane Isylum would have been the only course of treatment. 


Just took and deep breath and thanked God for my Sobriety, and all of Gifts that come, when we are willing to go to any lengths.


A Big Hug to you, and glad to see you are back.


 Baloney Brains.


 



-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 10:03, 2006-08-22

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jonibaloni


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Wow. I really got a lot out of this post, Phil, and your repsponse, Tonibaloney.


I always, from childhood, lived in fear of disappointing my dad. I was taught that I had immense power over his moods; that I could 'make him' unhappy or rageful. That was a great deal of responsibility to feel as a child.


Through learning how to let go, baby steps at a time, we had  a period where we were both detatched from eachother. He detatched from my crazy alcoholic life, and I later detatched from him to 'find myself' early in recovery.


I am happy to say, that against the odds, we have both changed, which is unusual, I think. We have a lovely relationship today where we both take care of ourselves independently.


There was a time when I was in recovery, where my dad was clearly being used by a young woman, and he was in terrible pain over this. He relied heavily on me at that time, but I had to tell him that he was putting me in a position that I did not want to be in; that only he could 'fix' his problems by making different decisions. Likewise, during the times my husband and I have had little 'marital bumps in the road', I have resisted the urge to run to daddy. I learned how to do these things in counseling. Old behaviors just don't work anymore.


I am proud of how you far have come in your life, Toni. Your experiences help me a lot each and every day.


Love,


Joni



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