Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familial places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
How very true. We do survive. The human spirit is amazing in its resilience although, as stated, it can take some time. And I might add one additional, fleeting stage of depression that comes and goes when one is reminded of the loved one who passed. I've overcome it at those stages by thinking of the wonderful times that were had instead of the loss. My second wife died of colon cancer after it metastasized to her lung and then to her brain. She died peacefully in my arms at 11:55 P.M., July 17th, 2000 at the age of 51. The 5 stages are truth. The odd thing was that I believe I had passed through all 5 before her death. I recall not shedding a tear immediately after. I was happy for her that she was now out of pain. I remember the last words I spoke to her: "Go to the light. It's O.K. I love you Susan Gail" and just held her through her last breath. She died with dignity if there is indeed such a thing.
Oops! Had to come back and edit this. I remember reading a book of poetry many years ago and I believe it was called "the Awful Rowing Towards God" by Anne Sexton. In it, she has a line about meeting death and something in the way of "Putting on my slippers and striding through the door." My wife did that. She was the strongest human being I have ever had the pleasure to know and love.
I started out the day here with a quote from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet", so here's another:
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountaintop, then you shall begin to cimb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
I really believe that we alcoholics are a much more sensitive lot than most people. Perhaps that's one of the reasons we choose drink; as an escape from pain in a sometimes painful world that we feel should be much less so. Just a thought...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 00:49, 2006-08-21
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I share the opinion of Tim, that it does not mention the revisiting portion of the Grief, where there is no time table to it, it can come on with a "trigger", or without a "trigger" more like a Transient re-occurring Depression, that can hit hard at times, and yes what seems to bring us up and out of the visiting - or revisiting, are the wonderful memories, but this period takes Work and and lot hard Work to get there.
My own Sister, had a stroke at a very young age, 54, that blew out her short term memory, just a real fluke to a person that was dedicated to healthy living and exercising. Phyically and mentally on top of everything all the time. Then just an almost microscopic bleed in the center Cortex of her Brain. It took over 5 years for this to escalate into, many other factors, the person that I had known, and loved was not there any longer, watched her struggling to be back to the person she was, was the most difficult part. And stayed very close to her throughout this entire struggle, that eventually did take her life, after her entire brain had Atrophied. And I did experience a lot of the Grief of this with watching this deterioration, so powerless, and just being there for her, was all I could do, even when at the end, she no longer recognised me. When she died, I had moved to San Diego, and the finalness of her Death was so very powerful. That Door Slams shut to the nevermore, and it is very different that watching someone still clinging to life. I always felt it was a true Blessing that with her consiousness gone, that she would not suffer in her death, would not even know when it was right in front of her.
Grief is a Bitch, no matter how you look at it, and we do go through all the the Stages, yes, but do we ever get Over it, that is another question.
The Grieving of my Younger Son is there too, he is alive, but so very mentally ill, that the grief is always there, about him as the person, that I knew and raised as a Child. It was interesting of both of my Children, inside I always thought that my David, was going to be fortunate enough to have a more happy, care free life than his Brother, who was always sick as a Child, now it is the other way around, his Older Brother is in Top Health, and trying to assist with taking care of his very very ill Brother, where he is being Institutionalized.
Sometimes Grief can go on for many years, and in my case, I have found that to be true, to this day, I have a very difficult time with the Acceptance of my younger Son's Fate. Struggle with that tremendously at times. When I go for weeks and months with no letters returned, this starts creeping up, Big time. And I go to the "Your Will, not Mine Be Done" hundreds of times a day. And only after that process, is there a lessening of the Grief.
Life on Life's terms is the Goal, so many things that we learn in Recovery are a process, and sometimes a very slow Process to this issue of Grief.
I look at all these Stages as they appear on this Page, and my conclusion is always the same, what Does not KILL you, does make you Stronger.
I have been dealing with losing everything me and my children owned in a house fire, losing custody of my children etc.... and tha has been just a little over a year now. thankyou for posting the five stages of grief. I felt as if I were just stuck and was never gonna get over this. After reading this I see that I have expirienced a little of all stages and a lot of some of the stages. now that I know I have gone through all stages this will help me know that its a matter of daily maintinence. I don't know exactly what I am thinking, feeling about this but I know it's good. Thankyou. God works in awesome ways. I know I was ment to see this today.
Howdy Sheree..Went back a long way in the pack to find this one hu? :)
And Dr Phil? Have a few that call me that..likely even look a bit like him....
But there is a difference...He likely has a few more brain cells than I do...and is a bit more knowledgable up top....where I keep hearing voices and echoes
Im just a recovering drunk..that has had to learn everything, the hard way...and can only share experience strength and hope.:)
This grief stuff?..I guess we all go through it in one form or another...
I can share that Ive had about a year and a half of it....
Denied it...fought it...resisted it....and went through all the stages...
Had to revisit a couple of them, at different times...
Just comming out the other end now...where one can move on...and remember, but not dwell
There were days when I just felt numb..with no hope in sight...fighting depression crap..
However..Time takes time...and there is the process of letting it happen..not trying to make it happen..
I can look at things today and say Holy Shit!! Everythings great!!
Never thought that would happen gal....
There is a light at the end of the tunnel...Just watch out for oncomming trains.(smile)
All the best to yu......Phil
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Thank you for bringing this up from the archives Sheree. This is truly something I needed to re-read at this time. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's a transition going on with my life at this time, but it hit home as much as it did back in August.
I do hope your situation improves. It sounds as though you've had a lot of loss and hard times. Congratulations on having the fight in you to attempt to work on a better and brighter future. It sometimes seems like a never-ending struggle, and most often it is. But it's worth it. Good fortune to you...Tim
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
This is very timely as my husband just passed Oct 30, leaving me two young kids to raise. There are days where the pain is nearly intolerable, but I must go on - for the kids if nothing else.
All I can say is that I am using the tools from my AA toolbox for the grief: easy does it, one day at a time, progress not perfection, conscious contact with HP, etc....
I am still here and have not picked up a drink, by the grace of God.
It's nice to know that we never have to be alone again. And I am thankful that I have found this program as well as this website. I was reading in the big book yesterday and in the foreward to fourth addition it mentioned about having meetings online and that we can share our recovery around the world. I thought that was cool because that's what I do. It's nice to know that there are other alcoholics that can help lessen the pain by taking a little piece of it.
