But now im really wondering if its something else thats wrong.
Yeah iv drank most nights for years.. But i think it might be because of other reasons..
I mean if im gettin intoxicated by something else i dotn have to drink..
Eg there are some new LEGAL HIGHS out and they are incredibly strong.. especialy if you go over the recomended dose!! Yeah doh!!..
I did some (for the 2nd time) friday night, i had not had much to drink in comparrison to normal but omg i was completely off my face.. One of my mates girlfriends family picked me up (he was with them) cos they were worried about me and i spent a couple of hours round theres... Cos i was so unbelievably f**k*d!
I was offerd alcohol round there and i only really had a few sips.. i didnt really fancy it cos i was so messed up!..
In the past, when i used to do xtc i often didnt drink much on it.. infact i only realy drank on it cos if parents came in to me or whatever then they would smell the drink and blame that..
Also in the past when iv had a girlfriend iv immediately gone off drink. It held no real appeal.
From the meetings it seems that when people are really addicted that they have to drink during the day at work etc.!! Well i feel NO compulsion at all to drink at work.. quite the opposite..
My desire to drink mostly revolves around dvds, be it a film or a sit com i like, eg Red Dwarf.
When i think of gettin f**k*d it always revovles around a dvd, or a book or something..
So its like the drink gets me to that dream world..
Im wondering if im just scared and lonely etc..
I really am confused now..
I had thought for so long that it was simply the desire to drink..
But i dont think that now!
I still wana drink... No denying that.. But is it that im an alcoholic or is it that im scared and insecure and dont know where else to turn. I KNOW that a drink and a good dvd will make me feel safe and happy.
But is that simply cos im so scared of life.. Is it cos im so insecure. Is it cos i have NO confidence or self belief, that i have to live in a fantasy world?
When i drink and put on a dvd i go into my safe little world.
But like i say it doesnt have to be drink.. And when im at work i have no desire to drink.. omg i really would not wana feel drunk at work.. . Just drinking anywhere would not take me to the place i wana be...
I can be hundreds of miles away.. but want to be in my room drinking..
So i cant just drink anywhere.. i have to drink in certain places.. where i feel safe.. etc..
I know its really sad..
So .. am i an alcoholic or do i just have other problems??
You're asking the right questions of yourself, e.i., "Is something wrong?" and if you find yourself wanting/needing/wishing for an escape from reality quite often you're probably correct that there is and have good reason to be confused. You say you don't "need" to do this all the time, but nither does the "weekend" alcoholic/addict whoe stays clean all week and then escapes on the weekends. And they are true alcoholic/addicts even though their use is limited to weekends. Something inside, some thread of sanity, is questioning your actions. I would see my doctor and not hold back any truths from him/her. You seem to be looking for help and, as much as you can find others like us who've been there and understand, we're nothing like professional help to get you to truly understand the "whys" of what you're doing to yourself and others around you who love and care for you. Good fortune...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
And that answer, my dear friend, is INSIDE You, no one else.
Adding any Legallly Prescibed medication, that is in the Barbituate family, will only add icing to the cake, we call it Cross-Addicted. .
So I think talking to your Doctor is a good place to start, but a lot of well meaning Doctors that are not familiar with the problems of Addictions, can only add fuel to the fire, so to speak, I am speaking of the Docs, in this Country, that will prescibe a medication in the Barbituate family, and I have heard from a Recovery Specialist, that all Barbituates are just powered Alcohol, or any mind altering drug for that matter, so very sorry that you have turned to such a solution for yourself.
Being afraid of Life, maybe terrified of Life on Life's terms, is a better description, I remember that feeling well.
Just good to see you again, no matter what.
Toni
Hope to hear from you again, and really hope you seek outside Professional Help on these questions. We are all just Recovering Alkes here, don't know of anyone on this site that can answer those questions for you.
Bud, uh... Where to start. I guess I outta keep this simple. I started off with pot, acid, etc. Didnt drink as much as the other stuff. Enjoyed it when I did. Took mushrooms till I passed that point of no return.. over and over again. Got to the point I could not function with or without these things. Alcohol replaced, phased out everything else in my early 20's. Fear, paranoia, oh yeah. Not with alcohol. Early on, did everything drunk. Work, travel, play. Over time, consequences built up. No more friends, no more going places, no more girls, could not function in society. Wouldnt have even got married had she not shown up and refused to leave. heh. Enter stage right the four horsemen... Alcohol brought them down to harmless amusement. But they came back, with reinforcements. Stronger over the years. Drinking slowly evolved into deadly serious bussiness. Didnt drink at work. couldnt work and drink any longer. Had to work to drink. Customer offers a beer, after a few, see you later! got stuff to do.
Let me ask you a question. Do you see it getting better with the road your on. Could you turn back? Do you want to? Look here. from what I got out of your post, there is a light at the end of your tunnel. That light is a train.
Rob, I don't care to "diagnose" someone else on most occassions because it simply isn't my place. I prefer to say that only YOU can determine where and if the problems lie, but we go far enough back now that I'm gonna be brutal here. Please, know that I am coming from a very loving place with this. If I didn't care as much as I do, I would respond far differently.
I believe with all my heart that you are an alcoholic. Whether you call it "situational" alcoholism, or "maintenance", doesn't matter to me. Alcoholism is alcoholism. You are either clean, or you're not. You cannot drink like a normal person. You've proven that so many times I've lost count. Along with my own alcoholism came certain behavior issues, many due to the damage alcohol did to my brain, and some that were psychological issues that needed to be addressed professionally.
Alcohol and drugs. You abuse both. Legal highs? What the hell are you thinking? That's it's normal to be falling down? That other people are watching after you and worried for you is normal? What the hell is normal about that? Do you ever watch the news and hear how many kids are dying because of those so called "legal highs"? Your social phobias are magnified a hundred times over with your drinking. You think that alcohol will hide them? Only up to a point. In the meantime, just what do you think the booze and drugs are doing to your brain? Making you smarter? Good God in heaven, Rob.
How many thousands of alcoholic business men and women are able to stay clean and sober during their work day and then go home and loose it? Chripes, Mel Gibson is shooting movies, Robin Williams is making movies, and they were both abusing alcohol. Shit, Rob, I used to work too. Wouldn't drink until the kids were asleep. Or only on weekends. Or, or or or or. Now, tell my liver that. Or the damaged heart valve from, of all things, ephedra. Legal.
I've mentioned before, go to your doctor. You need to get help. Optimally, I would love to see you in a rehab program. So, you dont drink when you have a girlfriend. Fine, you find a substitute in relationships. I used to think that if it weren't in a brown paper bag, and I wasn't laying in a gutter, I couldnt be an alcoholic. How little I knew, the best was yet to come.
When you don't email me for awhile? Do you know what I wonder Rob? If you've died. If you've made so many excuses, if you've run from yourself for so long, that it finally wacked you upside the head and you've either killed yourself or over dosed. And I have no way of finding out. And then you send me an email, and I know you're okay.
You abuse substances because you're afraid of life. Youre afraid of life because you abuse substances. They go hand in hand. Yeah, we all feel safer in our little hidey holes, there's nothing strange about that. My agoraphobia was so out of hand, sober no less, that for a whole year I didn't drive. I stayed on my farm and worked, and if Ron drove me to town, I'd shop. I don't even want to think where I'd be if I were drinking while the agorophobia was in full bloom.
You are driven by fears, you are controlled by your fears, and you can only get around them when you're high on something. What message is in that, Rob? You abuse substances. You have done so for years. I don't care whether it's drugs or alcohol, you abuse them. Yes, you absolutely need to see a professional. I know I'm going to get a ton of flack for responding this way, and so be it. But you get help. Sooner rather than later. Jeez, Rob, legal drugs. You're judgement is getting seriously impaired, and there's no way you can tell me that it's normal to be doing what you're doing. Or that it's some other issue. You are simply frying your brain, just like that damned egg commercial. What the hell is it gonna take. Know I do care so much for you, and my stomach is just knotted up, but if you dont take care of business, it's gonna take care of you, and I know this without doubt. There is going to come a time when we won't ever hear from you again. That just breaks my heart. chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
And I share everything that Wren has said, but what I keep asking myself, What is it going to take, for you to see what you are doing. I go to horrible scenarios of what is very real in the world of Active Alcoholism. You see it in the daily news, everyday, death and destruction, cause by someone that refused to get help. There are only a few Alcoholics that every get into these rooms, I don't know the figures, Phil does, I think it is about 5% of all active Drunks.
When I was at the end of my drinking days, there was no way that I thought of myself as an Alcoholic, the word Alcoholic was way too classy for me and my behavior. I was, in my mind, a hopeless Druggie, (Legalally prescibed), and a Drunk, drinking everyday, and yes I had many years of drinking and working, going in with those hangovers, taking 2 Valium for the horrible effects of the night before. But Rob this Disease has a definite Progression to it, and for all drunks that refuse to get help, the day comes when even working is no longer an option. The very REAL TRUTH is Living becomes the next phase. That is how I experienced this.
I hope like all of us that you will someday SOON stop REFUSING the help that is available to you. Been there, done that, and wouldn't wish those last months or even years on my own Worst Enemy.
There is a saying that the Ego must be smashed, and for many it takes a collision with a real car, or some horrible life situation, to bring us to our knees for them to make it through, and begin Recovery. I do Pray that you will not have such a fate. For me, it was the knowledge that I did not want to live anymore, and could not seem to die.
This takes me back to the memory of you having 6 days Sober and then being Powerless over going to the Store, getting drunk, and you were off and running again.
We all suffer and are in Recovery from a very Fatal Disease, that just starts out, when we lose our ability to control our drinking. Simple stuff, and it is in that first Step Rob, "We are Powerless over Alcohol - that our lives have become unmanagable"
Do you think you can relate to the above words in that Step, if you can, then I think when you do, you have answered your question that you were asking, what do you think?
Only you can really know if you an alcoholic or not. I was pleased to see you mention going to see your doctor. I am lucky in that I have an excellent GP who is not only understanding but is also quite knowledgeable about the area of addictions and treatment.
But, I really would recommend that you go and see your doctor as soon as you can. But, Rob, you will have to be completely honest about your drinking and drug taking. If you're not honest with him/her then they will not be able to give you any meaningful advice.
I had to be totally honest about the amount that I was drinking and why I was drinking. Apart from in my very early twenties smoking dope a few times, I have never tried drugs. But, Rob, drugs can be every bit as dangerous, if not more, than drinking. Alcohol and drugs (legal or otherwise) are mind-altering substances. Nobody should need/want to take them.
You have always come across as a really great guy on this board. Please be kind to yourself and go and see your GP. Please get some help for yourself, Rob. You're worth it. You really are. Please let us know how you get on, won't you? We all care about you so much.
Take very good care of yourself, won't you?
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I dont wana die but i KEEP gettin to a point where i feel im close to the end.. BLEVE me im not gona kill myself REALLY IM NOT.. but i keep gettin to a point where i keep feeling its coming to an end.. with no real logic to back that up.. just that i feel i can go on no longer.
I keep gettin myself more and more into debt.. keep spending money..
and the further i get into debt and tiredness the further i feel from sanity!
Quetzal wrote: Hi Rob, It's good to see you posting here again. Only you can really know if you an alcoholic or not. I was pleased to see you mention going to see your doctor. I am lucky in that I have an excellent GP who is not only understanding but is also quite knowledgeable about the area of addictions and treatment. But, I really would recommend that you go and see your doctor as soon as you can. But, Rob, you will have to be completely honest about your drinking and drug taking. If you're not honest with him/her then they will not be able to give you any meaningful advice. I had to be totally honest about the amount that I was drinking and why I was drinking. Apart from in my very early twenties smoking dope a few times, I have never tried drugs. But, Rob, drugs can be every bit as dangerous, if not more, than drinking. Alcohol and drugs (legal or otherwise) are mind-altering substances. Nobody should need/want to take them. You have always come across as a really great guy on this board. Please be kind to yourself and go and see your GP. Please get some help for yourself, Rob. You're worth it. You really are. Please let us know how you get on, won't you? We all care about you so much. Take very good care of yourself, won't you? Carol
I know im being meldromatic.. but its hard to think that im worth it.. im so used to letting myself down!
I wouldn't have written what I did unless I knew and felt it was the truth.
And, I'm telling you - YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Please, Rob, go and speak openly with your GP. You are a good guy and you owe that to yourself. Please let us know how you get on. Lots of folk here care a great deal about you. That's just how it is.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
im not tryin to be molodrmatic,... but i have real trouble witih the idea that people care about me.. im not afer attention... i just find it hard to get people careing about me!!
Rob wrote: im not tryin to be molodrmatic,... but i have real trouble witih the idea that people care about me.. im not afer attention... i just find it hard to get people careing about me!!
Rob,
I know that you are not being melodramatic. I know, too, that you are not after attention.
But, you do need to know that people care about you. You have a whole cyber family here who all care about you. That's the whole point of us being here.
Have a little faith in yourself. Just know that you are cared about. It's that simple.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Funny how that works for me, Rob, when I need to feel that someone cares, I have to show them I Care, first.
Your second to last Post, was so grim, I had to walk away from the computer.
You have to care about you, first, Rob, and you have refused to go to meetings, you have refused to look at the concept of A Higher Power, and the result being the words written in that Post.
We could argue the fact, till Hell freezes over, but I say that you have a Spiritual side to the person that lives in you, that wants desperately to get out of the hole you are digging.
They say that the using is only the tip of the iceberg, your problem is Rob and drugs and alcohol is how you deal with your problems. You haven't been posting but you've been visiting the forum almost daily, the user list shows when you've been on the site. Normal people don't hang out here. AA deals with alcohol, there's another program that cover drugs and alcohol (alcohol is a drug, period) that program is Narcotics Anonymous. In patient rehab would probably do you a world of good but not until you get some Willingness. 12step programs are based on HOW, honesty, opened mindedness and willingness without thes 3 things no recovery can take place. Good luck, Bob.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 17:46, 2006-08-20
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 17:47, 2006-08-20
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
It doesn't sound like alcohol and other drugs are enhancing your life in any way.
I never drank at work either or even all the time but I know I'm alcoholic. I also know that I've lived most of my life feeling crappy about myself and that if I didn't quit drinking I always would.
You have a lot of support on here but changes are going to have to start with YOU.
Was just noticing something, when you Post, you get more views, up to 80 now, and so many more Responses that what is normally seen here, i think you have some sort of Record going here.
Why do we all Response? just think about that, every response is a hand reaching out to you, to come and join us. Hope you can feel that and know that we care, if we did not care, you would not get any responses.
I think we all Care so much that sometimes the words come out all wrong, just trying to communicate one simple message, let us Love you, till you can Love yourself.
And looking into your Problem, with a professional, that might recommend a Treatment facility, would be a beginning.
Hi Rob. I'm Jennifer, alcoholic who drank 2-5 times a week AKA Binge Drinker.
For me, abusing any substance always created drama and chaos. Until the fog lifted I was completely melodramatic about EVERYTHING. And sitting on the pity pot was my favorite past time.
Years ago, I used other drugs on a regular basis, x, acid, coke, you name it and most times I didn't drink while on these, I mean what was the point? I couldn't get any "higher" right? But as I got older started a family, etc. I started "seeing" drugs as "wrong" mostly due to the fact that they were illegal and so expensive. Booze is legal, so that made it OK.
I have read that most alcoholics are cross addicted. I know that I am. So, although I only consider myself (today) an alcoholic, if I used any of the above drugs ever again, I'd have another monkey on my back. No doubt about it.
Not sure I have any real message here, but that was my experience. Maybe it'll help.
You're in my prayers AND YOU ARE LOVED. Please, keep coming back.
Peace.
-- Edited by Doll at 20:50, 2006-08-20
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
For a long time I didn't want to be an alcoholic, so I dabbled with ideas that I was an addict, I was mental, I was nuts, had a chemical imbalance, etc. etc.
The truth was that I was some of these other things, but I was also an alcoholic. Why? Because I drank too much, too often for too long. Because I picked up the drink even when I knew I would end up drunk, suicidal, miserable and in trouble. My other addictions didn't make me NOT an alcoholic; they just made me an alcoholic with other addicitons, too.
I am posting the 'Who Me?" pamphlet, and that is a really good way for us to decide where we stand.
cooncatbob wrote: They say that the using is only the tip of the iceberg, your problem is Rob and drugs and alcohol is how you deal with your problems. You haven't been posting but you've been visiting the forum almost daily, the user list shows when you've been on the site. Normal people don't hang out here. AA deals with alcohol, there's another program that cover drugs and alcohol (alcohol is a drug, period) that program is Narcotics Anonymous. In patient rehab would probably do you a world of good but not until you get some Willingness. 12step programs are based on HOW, honesty, opened mindedness and willingness without thes 3 things no recovery can take place. Good luck, Bob.-- Edited by cooncatbob at 17:46, 2006-08-20
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 17:47, 2006-08-20
I havnt been on here that much really.. iv popped in a a couple of times lately but i ent been on here much. Certainly not daily!!
One of the reasons the views are high is i keep reading my own posts etc.
Hi Rob, good to see you back. I think rob, we all have more problems other than alcohol and drugs. You have to get off the alcohol and drugs inorder to find out what is really wrong. I'v been messed up most of my life, it does nto matter the why,who or what,but the fact I was messed up. Personally I think your correct in thinking there is more wrong with you and not just the alcohol. Sooooooooooooo, I hope you do something about it. I remember being off drinking for 6 months and had this break down. I had to go to the hospital and I was so upset because I thought now that I quit drinking, I should not be having these break downs. I found out that I was bi-polar. It was a heavy pill to swallow because who wants to be metal? At any rate, I'm fine now and I do just as my doctor orders for me to do for I never want to be in the emotional hell I was in. It's a very scarry place to be inside your own head. So today dear Rob, I suggest you get on the phone and make an appointment. No matteer what is wrong with you or what ails you, your going to have to put down the drink and drugs. You need help thats for sure and the only one who can call for you is you unless you end up locked up for fear of hurting yourself by falling down or accidently OD. I read where you drink and take sleep aids. My mother ended up in a coma from doing that. She was fine after they pumped her tummy. I was the one who found her by the way. Funny thing is that I too started to drink and take my pills even after finding my mom. I now have two years clean and sober just celibrated! Nothing in life worth anything is easy and it's been hard at times. Also after 5 years of being in big time debt,in two months I will be out of it. I went without to pay my bills,but my needs where always taken care of. Anyway, the bills should be the least of your worrys, your health is way more important. My mom died with $15,000 in debt. She had a grand old time while she was alive LOL. Us kids where not responcible for her debt by the way thank God,so don't worry about yoru bills until you can take care of yourself. Good luck and remember the sooner you call someone the better off you will feel. Do it today!!!!
