Age doesn't demand that our memories become fuzzy, but they commonly are. We often fret over this. We could, instead, make light of it and simply appreciate that we worked our memories overtime for many years. There is no requirement that we have long memories any more. Our age gives us this freedom.
There are some plusses to having the past run together in our minds. For one, it prevents past tragedies from gaining too much focus. Also, we are able to see how really insignificant many of our trials were. That's a good reminder that our current worries will barely be remembered, even a month from now.
Only today deserves our attention; this gives us an easier set of circumstances to handle. Being caught in the past can hinder our present decisions. The past may offer something to inform our present, but this moment is unique, not like the past at all.
My past is over. My future is irrelevant My present is all that matters. And it is designed especially for me.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
This is so good for me to ponder right about now. I have just finished clearing up the 'wreckage of my basement', and in countless boxes I found things that I scarcely remember having... and alot of stuff that dealt with my alcoholism and its consequences. I found about 6 'pocket-copies' of the Bog Book from days of olde, and some of them scarcely have the bindings cracked!! (I am going to start carrying them in my purse and give them to newcomers at the meetings... they may not crack the bindings either, but that is their choice, right?? LOL)
I also found old receipts from court costs, fines and reinstatement fees. Thousands of dollars paid out in 30, 40 and 100 dollar increments!!! It all reminded me that in the first 5 years of attending AA meetings, I struggled greatly. I would get 3 months or 6 months, then get drunk for a time, use drugs, get into more trouble, go back to jail/court... it was a viscious cycle. I recall being suicidal during these times, and feeling the futility of just not 'getting it'.
Until I took a peek in those boxes, all this seemed to run together. Were my husband to have seen all this stuff before our wedding (he knew in a 'general way' that I had struggled with sobriety', the law, drugs, etc...) he surely would have scratched his head and run the other way...LOL
Anyway, I am so glad that I did not 'give up' and commit suicide. What I have now cannot be bought. It is countless hours, days, minutes of just healing, a teeny weeny bit at a time, until my life has transformed to nothing recognizable from before. It took time, but now that time seems to have flown, and the things I fretted over then, no longer cause the pain they did back then. Life has turned out different, and far better, than I could ever have imagined. And my new life has only just begun!!
