a couple of my friends are trying to talk me into treatment... because of my relapse and my suicide attempts. Hubby basically said if I go into any treatment that lasts longer than a month he'd leave me because he wouldn't be seeing me, he might as well leave. There's a couple of 28 day alcohol treatments here, I don't know if they'd be helping me with my depression and suicidal thoughts though. And I'm scared to death to go in somewhere and then them try to keep me longer and hubby wind up leaving me. I've already almost lost everything. I can't risk losing him. If I don't go to treatment, I'm upping my counseling to twice a week and checking in with my pdoc more often and going to more AA meetings. I told my pdoc about the suicide attempts and he didn't suggest hospitalization because he knows I'd have to go to the state hospital and he doesn't want me there because it's a really bad place. *sigh* I'm lost. I don't know what to do. The depression is slowly gradually getting better. I'm not having suicidal thoughts anymore, if I do it again I will lose hubby. I'm not having thoughts of drinking anymore. I realized Tuesday that if I kept drinking the depression wouldn't get any better, it was only getting worse with the drinking. I'm trying to straighten things out. I see my counselor next wednesday, I'm going to call him tomorrow and tell him what's going on. And I'll probably make an appt for next Friday too. I'm just so lost and depressed right now. I'm trying to accept the help that I do have... just not sure about treatment yet.
Take hubby out of the equation for just a moment. Just pretend he doesn't exist. What would you do for you?
If you continue to 'attempt' suicide, you may one day succeed. I just lost an AA friend to suicide recently, her 4th and final 'attempt'. IMHO, you need to consider what is best for YOU, right now. When we do the next right thing our HP takes care of the rest, hubbies included.
You're in my prayers, hun.
(((((HUGS)))))
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
-- Edited by Doll at 09:13, 2006-08-11
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Other people get scared of 'change', just like we do. They often say things without any real experience in these matters, not even knowing how they will feel tomorrow or the next day. Trust what HP, sponsor and people who really have your best interest are advising.
Just speaking for myself, treatment saved my life. Everything else just kind of 'went on hold'. I lost more drinking than I ever did going to treatment. I too have buried people who could not and would not get help before it was too late.
You are in my Prayers, and hope that that "lost" feeling will ease up for you. You had a sponsor, right?, have you thought about giving her a call. And the meetings, and sharing all this in a meeting. Just thinking out Loud, and hope that this, Praying that this just might be that bottom you were saying that you had not hit, yet.
We are here, the Open arms of AA, will always be there, no matter what.
Sounds like you are making some progress in making those appointments. When we first stop drinking, the fear that was the motivator in the first place is still there, and that is what is so difficult. Professional help, Treatment, if you decide to do that, combined with meetings, I Prayer that this will work for you. It has for so many of us.
Just want you to know I will be thinking about you dear.
I agree with the others and please keep in mind that it is one second/minute/hour/day and of coarse appointment at a time. I feel in my heart that you are on the right path, please remember that it is what we choose to do because the bottom line is that this is your life and you live it in the way that is best for you. I do feel that your other half was telling you that he would leave because he may be afraid of living life without you. Have you sat down with him and had a heart to heart with him to try and find out just where all this is coming from? I do have the same question as Phil - Do you have a sponsor? If you had a sponsor before maybe she might welcome you back with open arms - just as you are welcomed at meetings and if you do not have a sponsor then I feel it is time to look for another - soon. I know that there is only so much that a doctor can do for us and same for a councillor, but I have discovered that this is where a sponsor comes into play. I mean think about it for a moment, if a doctor or councillor does not fully understand the program then they can only help you to a certain point. Then a sponsor comes into your life who fully understands about the pros/cons, up and downs of the program and most of all is there for you 24/7 come hell or high water - they are there and understand. It sounds to me like there is a more deep seeded reason for the suicide attempts - that is just what I think - in fact it was true for me many, many, years ago - it turned out to be that I had not dealt with the death of my father. I guess my point that I am trying to make is that you do what is best for you, get the help that you need, get in touch with a sponsor, go to meetings if possible and keep in touch. Take care of yourself.
Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion.
Later - Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 13:59, 2006-08-11
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Yes, I do have a sponsor, I've been talking to her every day, even when I was drinking. She says treatment may be good for me, but it's not neccessarily the only option. She said I already have what I'd be getting in treatment - the counseling, psychiatrist, AA meetings, a sponsor, and she's got me on sorta a schedule to follow every day.
I realize now that I need to be reaching out for help BEFORE I do anything. Hubby said if I had come to him with the pills in my hand he wouldn't have been nearly as mad. I actually talked to my sponsor before I did it and told her what I was thinking and she thought she had me talked out of it. I led her to believe she had me talked out of it. I told her I'd probably fail anyway so it's not worth trying. But then I went home and tried anyway. I slit my wrist, and then sent her a text message saying something like I even fail at suicide. And then I got it into my head to take the pills. Thankfully they weren't lethal. Just made me sick for over a day.
Hubby has forgiven me, he's still mad but he says he forgives me. He's trying to be supportive and be here for me, getting me to talk to him about how I'm feeling and calling to check on me several times a day and cuddling with me when I need it. I'm trying to open up more to him. I've always been one to try to hide what I'm feeling and I know I don't need to do that anymore.
A lot of people are pushing treatment treatment treatment... Honestly I want to give it a try without treatment, like what my sponsor said, it's not the only option. Like I said I'm increasing my counseling, or I may actually get a psychologist, there's only so much a church counselor can work with you on.
I've had a lot to deal with lately and it just made me want to give up. I think that's what started the drinking and the depression.
