To give you a little background-I've been married for 20 yrs. Hubby found someone else last Dec. We've been separated since Feb. Our final court date is Aug. 22.
Now to my dilemma. A guy that was in my IOP and now goes to the same meetings that I do has asked me out for Fri night to celebrate my 60 days sober. I'm not worried about us drinking or anything like that. Drugs were his problem so maybe we can keep each other straight. Thank goodness he doesn't drink so I shouldn't be tempted to. I've dated 1 guy since I've been separated and we stayed drunk pretty much the whole time.
This will be my 1st "Sober Date" in I couldn't tell you when. I'm 44 now and the last sober date I had was when I was 19 or 20. I'm scared to death LOL!! Am I just being silly?
Sonya
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You are going to do what you're going to do regardless of any advice.
But my advice? Run Like Hell.
Whether you end up drinking is not the biggest concern, to me. It's being taken advantage of in a very vulnerable state of not only early recovery, but newly divorced. I don't like to tell p[eople how to handle their 'dating' or sexual affairs, but you did ask for opinions from those with some sobriety, right?
With that little disclaimer out of the way.......
BE CAREFUL.
Attraction between men and women in early recovery means extreme emotions may be felt. When I was early in recovery, I had NO idea of what to do with any emotions, let alone emotional attraction, sensuality, lust, love, flirtation, et al. I believed that all people in recovery must have the best of intentions. We usually do, but not always. Those that did, in my early recovery, my 'dating counterparts', like me, had no really good skills in relationships, how to get into them safely, how NOT to get into them, how to make up, break up, not get feelings hurt over innocent misunderstandings, how to handle jealousy (a big relapse trigger for this gal), how to not feel 'abandoned' if I am moving faster than my counterpart, etc. etc. etc.. etc.. etc..
More often than not, I placed myself in a position to be hurt, lied to, and I placed myself in a position also to Lie TO others, and unintentionally hurt them, as well.
I am not trying to scare you... well, yes, maybe a little healthy fear would be good... but you are seeking a balanced and experienced view of this situation, no?
As a recovering alcoholic, I am not to play the arbiter of anyone else's sex life/emotional life/dating life.... but as a woman in recovery, and since you asked.... please be careful.
Please, feel welcome at this site, even if you do not like everything you hear. We are very fun-loving people who just try to help eachother every day, the best way we can, to stay sober and have a good life. Welcome!
Thanks ya'll for the replys. Both of you make a whole lot of sense.
As far as just coming out of a divorce tho, we should've gotton a divorce about 10 yrs. ago. So it's not like I'm really heart broken because he found someone else. I was really relieved I think. The only reason the divorce is taking so long is because he doesn't want me to get anything. We stayed together for convenience BUT I'm definitely not ready to be in a serious relationship. I really don't think this one would head that way but you know how that goes.
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In early recovery, for me, there were three Band Aides and a strong Commitment, to not put any one of them on, 1. No Alcohol.... 2. ... No Drugs .... and 3....No Men.
That was just how I did it, and as Joni said, you are going do what you want, regardless of what anyone says, right?
So either way, just wanted to say Welcome to MIP.
I hope you will enjoy it here, it is a great asset in my own Recovery, and as so many wonderful people here, share that opinion.
Ya'll are right, I will end up doing what I want to but I really needed to hear the different opinions. All of this is so new to me. I'm having so much trouble trying to figure out who I am. I'm basically really shy and very self contious. So I don't talk alot at the meetings. Ya'll know more about me than anyone does besides my family. And that's not much LOL
I don't post very often but I read the posts everynight. Ya'll don't know it but you give me alot of comfort and strength to make it thru another day. Thanks everyone!!
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I just have to add 2 cents here- For one thing, how are you going to keep each other sober when you didnt keep yourself sober? AA and experience work with a lack of alterior motive. Hence- Men choose men and women choose women. My deeper (medium mud puddle deep) best thinking on this subject has yeilded this- The deeper a natural instinct goes, the more powerful our tendency to delude ourself, and re-engineer reality as we percieve it, towards our own self-seeking ends. Hell, we were MADE to be fruitful and multiply, so how much deeper can you get? I think that psycologist, Frued? was on to something, but phsycology gives me diarreah, so I'll leave that alone. Hence, I miss my wife, and miss both her and the nuggie badly. But any notion of me helping cure her of her whoredom is as ridiculous as her curing my drinking. I'm not the one. So, it is a short jump in common sense that the new chick across the table making eyeballs back and forth with me is off limits. I hate to agree with my sponsor on this, cause crazy chicks are so much fun, but a stable life style and meeting a woman in church, with about the same, is best for anyone. Why do you think people used to stay married forever? An easy thing to agree with,.... Here's the kicker. A normal person can go against clear wisdom all their life, and at least get by. This bussiness can be fatal for an alcoholic. I have a bad deep feeling I had my fun while to drunk to appreciate it, and have pure responsibility to pay for it for the next 17 years. I would allready have had an aneurism if it werent for my sisters' help raising my kids. Oh well. Hey, the good thing about the women in the sears catalogue? No standing in line at Krogers with a damned pack of tampons, staring at everybody staring at me. Eh, just for a little humor here, one of the first things I tried to pry out of my sponsor was all the relashionship and marriage wisdom I was sure he was chalk full of. He looked over at me, and gave me this gem of reason instead. 'If you have been sucssesful in solving a difficulty, tell someone how you did it. If you havent, DONT tell them how you did it. We havent spoke 5 words about marriage since. My brain hurts, I think I over did it. Goodnight. A couple of thoughts just struck me-(im working on that) If eveyone lived according to wisdom all the time, would there be any average people? I have struggled with the concept of uniqueness. Further along this line- The bible tells me wisdom will abide with us eternally in this kingdom Jesus speaks of. A little further still- I am now reminded of Father Dowling's comment qouted in AA comes of age- "Heaven seems as boring to us now as sobriety did 5 minutes before the last drink" I'll leave it with yall. Goodnight. Remember yalls prayers.
New here... First post. I applaud your honesty on a very personal topic. And it’s a topic of MASSIVE and often overlooked significance in recovery. IMO, anyway.
I thought with alcohol being removed from my life, my sex/romantic life would just naturally make sense to me. But until I've immersed myself in the steps and writing my fourth step, I never really realized just what a powerful and consuming and destructive relationship I have with sex, and to be more direct, INTIMACY. I never imagined how much sex and my alcoholism fed into each other and fed into my compulsive, quixotic NEED to find something OUTSIDE OF MYSELF to FILL THE INCREDIBLE HOLE WITHIN MYSELF.
I feel your pain-- it's very very complicated, loaded, deep-seeded stuff. Though coming at the issue as a man, it may seem that it's a different thing, but I don't think that's so. Sex for me has ALWAYS- despite my willful ignorance to this fact- been about me trying to find MEANING. Sex has become a desperate search to find meaning in myself... to find a connection... to find someone who will give to me all the things I haven’t been able to remotely give to myself... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, VALIDATION, SELF-IMPORTANCE... I have never had problems attracting and becoming involved with wonderful women… It’s once I become involved that my fears run riot over everything.
Hell, even just the basic, actual physical act of sex alone... I deeply needed someone else to give me PLEASURE because my life and my soul LACKED ANY PLEASURE AT ALL. ALSO, I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO GIVE SOMEONE ELSE PLEASURE BECAUSE, HEY, IF I CAN'T FIND PLEASURE IN MY OWN LIFE, THEN IF I COULD GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE, THAT AT LEAST ALLOWED ME SOME REASON TO BELIEVE I HAD VALUE, or whatever...
I don't know... Sorry if I'm rambling or, worse, if what I'm saying doesn't relate at all, but I just know this... this issue-- sex, women, love, intimacy, connection, pleasure... It runs SO DEEP, and is an area of my life that I need to recover in very crucially. If I am sober and yet still have this relationship with sex, well then, no pun intended, but I'm screwed... I will not grow spiritually, and I absolutely WILL drink again..
And I’ll remain depressed, and isolated and lonely. And sick...
Though this is an issue clearly not yet solved in my own life, I still feel I may be able to offer a bit of HOPE OR ADVICE: I KNOW THAT THERE IS A SOLUTION TO THIS... And it is all about spirituality, and improving my relationship with God... Only then will I be able to improve my relationship with myself. And only then will I be able to have that same type of real, nourishing relationship with myself, and only then will I ever being to offer and experience anything even close to a real, mutually nourishing relationship with another human being.
I’ll close with something my sponsor said to me that affected my profoundly… not surprisingly, it was something that his own sponsor had said to him…
“If you’re honest with yourself, you will admit that you have never ever had a REAL, healthy, selfless, loving, INTIMATE relationship in your life. (Despite my fierce denial, I had to admit it was true…) WHAT YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW IS AN UNBELIEVABLE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPIERIENCE THAT. You must have that type of personal relationship with the God of your understanding. Practice real healthy intimacy with God. For the first time in your life, you must BE COMPLETELY HONEST, ADMIT WEAKNESS, ADMIT YOUR LIMITS, ADMIT YOUR FEARS, BE VULNERABLE, BE UNAFRAID AND MOST OF ALL BE TRUSTING. Practice all of these in your prayer and communication with God. As scary as those things may be (and they are TERRORFYING TO ME) once you are able to embrace and practice those things with God, you will be able to understand them with yourself… and then, the breakthrough you will experience will be breath-taking…. AND FROM THERE, YOU ILL FINALLY BE PREPARED TO BE SELFESS TRUSTING LOVING AND INTIMATE WITH ANOTHER PERSON.”
So so sorry if this was too long and pointless. It was just that your post struck a chord in me deeply, and I found myself spilling... Wow, just reread... Probably should heavilly edit this but now I'm too tired.
Sonya, I'm sorry if that reply of mine was so off-topic and poorly composed.. Anyway, congrats on the 60 days, and once again, I admire your honesty and ability to reach out. God bless.
WOW, Eric. I had to reread that a few times. It covers every single type of relationship in our lives on some level. I believe it was so well said, it made my heart wrench. Every word was so from the heart, so real. Thank you so much for that share. Those words applies to the newcomer and old timer both. Again, thank you...Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thank you so much everyone for your replys. I've decided to meet him at a meeting and told him we could go for a hamburger afterwards. I told him I had to be home by 10:00. (I really do have to get up early Sat morning to go to yard sales. Have to look for stuff to sell on ebay).
So thanks again everyone!! I appreciate it so much!!!
Sonya
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