Ok so I screwed up. All I did was prove to myself that I am an alcoholic. I couldn't stop at 3 or 4 beers. I drank a 6 pack and got drunk. And then went out with an ex at 4am and got my husband pissed off at me. And today I feel like crap. not hungover, just depressed, feeling like a loser, feeling like a f**k up... it's not worth it. I'm getting another white chip tonight.
hmmm..Well gal....I guess theres some guilt and remorse ...and thats normal....Youre not a looser...and thats for certain...just addicted..like the rest of us..doesnt make one a looser...
And Yup....Ive screwed up before...and the consequenses were... bags on front lawn...
Hubby is pissed off..and thats normal....Ide likely react a lot worse.:)
But...like you share.....You proved it to yourself..and acceptance....and thats a big one...
The next right step.....Thinkin of yu...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Please try not to beat yourself up about it too much. I reckon that a lot of folk in AA have been where you are now. I certainly have been.
One AA member that I have a great deal of respect for told me to think of it as running a race. If you fall over in a race, you get up, dust yourself off and carry on running.
Just take it one day at a time. That's what everyone else in AA is doing.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I dont envy you. These are the times that will make or brake you. A lot of moments of truth. Dont give up. I remember stuggling with this notion of being alcoholic. White chip after white chip. Dripping with pure, ugly self pity and frustration. DT's, stopping, starting again, delusional visions of heaven and hell, both equally terrifying, wondering if it was sunday or monday, stumbling out to tell the boss I wasnt makin it again today. That god-awfull point of not knowing true from false, no escape in reliance on anything human or material. Brain fragmented into sections, each thinking seperate from the others. God talking in one part, devil in the other. Sitting on the floor, no electricity, wife and kids long gone, either beer or coffee or both all day long, food just ran right thru at this point. 130 pounds. And this damned notion of alcoholic or not. I could decide I was, then decide I wasnt. I could decide I was a purple polkadotted people eater or not or am again just as easily. Writing out my drinking history. Holding court. Being defence and prosecution for myself, knowing somehow I could go no further till this thing was done. And then one night like a bird landing out of the sky, the thought just came as clear as day. Supposing you are alcoholic, you are whether you like it or not. The finality of the thought ran like a depth charge down to the very depths of my being. For me, I find honesty in knowing without Christ, I have no honesty. The human heart is a liar. I had to have all reliance exausted before learning to trust God more than the very ground I walk on. Dont give up. Seek God as earnestly as you are capable. Pick yourself up and keep going. Gods going to be changing your dirty diapers for a long time to come. Dont look left or right. Reassurance? Before it's all over, the notion of a simple, usefull life will be solid gold. The most beutiful concept your mind could conjure up. Then, if you persist, you will arrive and find a life where you can choose simplicity and usefullness out of free will and gratitude, or not as you please.... God's always going to be changing dirty diapers.
Keep coming back, sweetie!!! It's frustrating and we feel like a failure at times, but that is all part of the healing process. When we are beginning to want it.....
And thank you, Ryan, for a very moving post. Marvelous description of exactly where we are when alone, delusional, at bottom. And your message of hope through faith and surrender I could really appreciate too.
Like everyone's saying, don't beat yourself for having to prove to yourself what your heart already knew. Our heads and our hearts don't always communicate clearly. I was in and out so much in the beginning they tied a spring to my butt so the bouncing in and out the door wouldn't be so rough on my behind. The good people in AA will love you, see the best in you, until you see it and love yourself. Truth. Keep on keepin' on. Big hug, Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Feel for you dear, spinning in that Relapse or Slip mode is so difficult, many of us have been there, done that. At least for now, I see you ahead in this Recovery struggle, you can at least remember what you did.
Hope that you will let this "screwed-up" or wrected feeling be your motivator.
I also thank you Ryan for that description, and Lisa just as he had mentioned, that surrender part, has to be felt in it's entirity, I have this recall too, of my body giving in, going sort of limp, like you do when you stop fighting the battle, just like someone that has been knocked out in a Boxing match, down and for the count, then the battle is over, as a start, and the glimmer of a new life is all this is left.
I believe that "freeze-framing" that incomprehenisble demoralization, needs to be put in a bottle, or framed, so that we do not ever forget those consequences.
After many years of Recovery now, it is the vivid memory of crawling around on my hands and knees looking for some glass that would assist me in getting out, once and for all, in my third suicide attempt. Like that saying "If we forget our Pasts, we are DOOMED to repeat them." It was also in this wrectedness, that I finally surrendered to my Higher Power, asking him to show me a different way. My Recovery began, and ONLY with His Help.
After ten years of this chronic relapse mode, I had made a clear decision that I was one of the hopeless, non-treatable drunks, and when my own Recovery began, it was also something that I keep with me, the acknowledement of what I think I know, is always, always, wrong information.
My Prayers go out to you, and I pray that you will get off that elevator, before all is lost, so many people do, the "Rapcious Creditor" (BB) wants to take everything away, before it's takes your life. It, in my opinion, is ALL in that first Step, "We are Powerless over Alcohol - that our Lives have become Unmanagable"
