that I'm not an alcoholic... ok maybe I'm just really f**king up. But I keep having so much denial and thoughts like well, I never tried to control my drinking, maybe I can if I wanted to. I guess I just need to prove to myself whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Went out and bought beer on the way home... didn't even want to call my sponsor, this is something I felt like I needed to do... I keep thinking maybe I'm just a heavy drinker. Maybe I could control it, maybe I can stop when I need to. Part of me says I'm f**king up big time by doing this... and part of me is saying I need to do this to show I'm not really an alcoholic. There goes my 48 days down the drain... but you know what? Right now I really don't care.
That's exactly how I felt on Friday, I just didn't care, and I did the same thing. Acceptance is really hard.
I've had some bouts of "this is not how my life is supposed to be!" and doing a little kicking and screaming about unfair it is. Fair or not, it is what it is.
I have been right where you are now. After eight glorious weeks with AA I decided that I wasn't really an alcoholic, just a very heavy drinker. I decided that I knew best and that I would control my drinking. It took me eighteen very long months to get back to AA. My alcoholism took me to the very bottom. It is the only disease that tells us that we're not sick.
What I did, shortly after I started back with AA, was to write a very honest journal detailing all of my drunks and what I had done (as far as I could remember them!). Seeing it all in black and white gave me the shock that I needed. From that moment on, I really did accept that I was an alcoholic. I couldn't escape from the truth written in my own words.
You have got 48 days of sobriety behind you. You have learned so much. I had a slip after three months, but I'm back on my own personal AA path. I tried to learn what had triggered me to drink again. Then, I could grow and become stronger again.
With all best wishes,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Have watched you really stuggle in the Past, and just sending my love to you.
I don't know if you have ever read the story of the "Jaywalker", in the Big Book.
I could relate to that.
Recovering, and former Jaywalker, and your friend,
Toni
Lisa, I see in every room everytime I am in a Meeting of AA, we are a group of people that "cannot, not drink", yet through the Miracle of our Higher Power, and AA, we continue to not drink, one day at a time.
If you have got to do your RESEARCH, then that is what you have to do, hope to see you back soon, if the experiment fails. Every Alcoholic has to come to their own conclusions, about if there are Powerless over Alcohol. That's the "Inside Job" stuff.
Just know that if that experiment does fail, the doors of AA NEVER close. What a Blessing that was when my own Relapse history came to a end.
Bring the body, and the mind (albeit slowly) will follow.
I am praying for you, rooting for you, and I understand that you have to go through what you have to go through to get here, just like the rest of us. I have had my share of relapses, attempts at controlled drinking, et. al. Just know that you are where you are at for a reason, dear. And you are being prayed for. And please keep sharing, no matter what!!
Yep! Been there, done that........just last night! It's my disease screaming at me..........but for the grace of god, I got thru it, and didn't drink.........it passed......just for today.........You're in my prayers, hun.........love and lots of ((((((hugs)))))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
