I was truly sorry to read that you have had a couple of days from hell. I have been there, too. But, Rob, they will pass. I know that it is easy for me to say, but it's also true.
I'm glad that you have had a chat with Allen. It really does help to get some of the junk out and to say it out loud instead of just thinking about it. Well, it certainly helps this alke anyway.
This feeling of being scared will pass. I do know about fear and I have learned about myself that facing up to what frightens me most leads me to discover that it usually isn't as frightening as my sick mind led me to believe. Well, that's my take.
Rob, take care of yourself.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Yes, there is alot of fear, being afraid, when our lives become so totally out of control, that we can't even really make the choice any longer between drinking and giving ourselves some days to be good to ourselves. Alcohol swallows our choices up whole, chews them up and spits them out in our faces. We both know that what you wanted this week was far different than what you gave yourself. That's the power alcohol has over us. It strips us of making rational decisions. It steals our lives away from us Rob. Our lives, our rational emotions, our dignity, our sense of self worth. The list goes on. Powerlessness Rob. When we chose a drink over a camping trip, one that you've looked forward to for weeks? That indicated that choosing is no longer much of an option. The disease is making your choices for you. When will you reclaim yourself, Dear One? Is there any thing sane about sitting in your room for five days drinking vs standing in the ocean and feeding your spirit? Please hear that message Rob. And know how much I care. Today, I'm going to take a long walk by the river, let the sun soak into me, and watch the baby salmon in the pools. Maybe I'll trot over to the tidelands, and watch the bald eagles play in the wind currents, or the Great Blue Heron standing on one leg as it surveys the land around it. I have those choices today. I am looking forward, more than you can imagine, of when you start being able to make the choices of how you'll spend your days. Not if, Rob. When. Love, chris
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
That sounds soo cool Chris.. yeah id love to chose that... As i would have liked to have chosen a great few days as aposed to few ckfuing tish days!!!!. Being a drunk these last few days has saved me loads of money.. but brought me so much unhappiness. I dont want ANY more days like this...
good to hear from you! Sorry to hear what has been happening, all I did was put the drink down a day at a time and follow a few suggestions, I will be 2 years without an alcoholic drink in aug, cant say its been easy, but if I put only 50% of what I put into drinking into A,A there is no way I could drink,
I sure this funny dude in town today with a t shirt saying "Money needed for alcohol research" had to laugh, what a nob!!
I got real edgy with this guy at work in the early days of my sobriety, cos there was me struggling not to pick up a drink and this geeza was wearing a t shirt saying "the liver is evil, it must be punished" then to my dismay a t shirt saying "rehab is for quitters" nearly choked when I saw that!
Oh well normal people hey? just dont understand...
Anyway Rob. If you are ready and willing to get sober there is a good life waiting for you, I think its time you started living mate!!
Sorry to hear about what you wrote, no camping, in your room with the Alcohol, we have all been there, I agee with Chris, seems like the Progression of this Disease is at work in your life, making all the decisions.
I am glad you made contact with someone over the phone... that's a good baby step in the right 'general direction'.
But we really need to learn how to pick up the phone BEFORE we pick up the drink, not the other way around.
You KNOW what you need to do, Rob... if you always do what you've always done... you will always end up alone in that room with the bottle... or somewhere much much worse.
Sometimes we need to stop playing games with eachother and hand down some 'tough love'. This Board is a wonderful place to share our experience, strength and hope... as well as our pain and frustration. But it does not take the place of the accountability we so desparately need in our day-to-day lives from face-to-face contact with AA's, doctors, treatment folks... whatever we need.
I know we are supposed to pray for 'God's will, not OUR will, for ourselves and others." But I am not perfect with regard to this, and today, my prayer for you is that someohow, some way you get to detox/treatment... SOMEWHERE where you can be physically cared for through the initial detox. For me, I, too got to a point where initially, ALL my help had to come from the outside... I was soo, sooo powerless.
omg.. last night i took a sleeping tablet then late couldnt rem if id taken one or not.. so took another.. holy tish this morning was difficult!!!.. Walking through thick mud is probably a good way too describe it!!
Didnt do a meetin tonight.. But im hopin i can get my ass (donkey) to the marlow meeting tomorrow night.. thats my fav meeting.. out of ones iv been too...
Oh yeah . i expect alot of you have thought why hadnt i been to any meetins this week so far.. well i can tell you thats because i have drank in the afternoon then flaked out and woken up too late to make it to a meeting. . ffs. . seriously!!..... flake out at 6pm and wake at 8:30pm for example.. and most meetings are 8-9pm.... .soo i couldnt have gone willing or not.. cos i was out of it!!.. Ffs.. as said previously last friday was a good example.. i had planned to got to a meeting but fell asleep then got up and rang taxi..then ralised it was an hour laterthan i thought and the meetin was almost over.. ffs!!
Whether you go to a meeting, and keep going to a meeting, is ENTIRELY up to you, my friend, that's why we call this Recovery thing, "An Inside Job".
Self destructive ways, are very powerful, use to have my own, and they were very Powerful indeed, when they were on the Winning Side, we all have that in us Rob, the balancing act of keeping the light stronger than the darkness, is to me an on-going battle that every human being on this earth is doing battle with on a daily basis, not just alcoholics that are drinking, it is just a simple fact of live, part of the human condition. My take on the subject, anyway.
"Keep the Faith" is an old Irish term, that my interpretation of this means, keeping the Light on, to keep holding back the the Darkness. Hold this term very dear to my heart these days, have since I have been in Recovery.
Hope today will be a good day for you Rob. And my friend, just want to add, "keep the Faith", we are here for you.
