Good Morning Niall,

So good to see you Posting, this Board does have a special glow, I agree, it is a God Send to those that need extra support, and I always can use all the support I can get.

I mentioned to you yesterday, that when I was in Relapse Mode, I did the steps too fast, as in 1, 2, 3, Drink, the fourth Step is not to be taken without some solid ground in Recovery, that is my own personal feeling. we have the option to just Rest in that first Step, until we are READY to continue, my take here.

That 1st Step has so much Power in it, when we can just absorb the fact that "we are Powerless over Alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable."  There is a saying that this 1st Step is the one that must be done perfectly,(sorry, I cannot stand that word myself) so I will use whole-heartedly, it is the ONLY STEP that we need to really breath into, we have a Disease, Alcoholism, and the "isms" are in those words of you returning to that liquor store, over and over and over.

You called it the "Death Grip" the other day, and that was not mellow-dramatic in my opinion.  It is the very real nature of this horrible Disease.

Once, when I was talking to this temporary Sponsor, in a Resturant, at 3:00 in the morning, I kept telling her of all the crazy stuff going on in my life, my husband had left, months before,  and i did not know where I was going, back to California, many different things just came pouring out of me, what I was really talking about to her was this horrible fear I had of returning to Alcohol in all this real turbulent stuff going on in my life.

She did listen for only a few seconds, and then she would say to me, "If you can Put Sobriety IN FRONT OF EVERYTHING, YOU CAN KEEP IT, AND IF YOU PLACE ANYTHING IN FRONT OF IT (your Sobriety, CHANCES ARE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP IT".  I kept talking about all the other stuff, she would listen, and then Repeat herself with the above, this went on for about an hour, and I was thinking to myself, is she stupid?? or What, is that all she has to say?????

On my drive home in the middle of the night, to a home that was now deserted, due to my Alcohol use, This HUGE Lightbulb Went on and STAYED on, this woman that I thought was not too smart, was smarter than I could have imagined, she had given me the Formula, if I can and I did, actually visualize that thought as a little light in front of me like a little beakon of light, Keep my Sorbriety in Front on Everything.  That is where it began for me Niall, I have never, to this day, let anything, or anyone come in between that little beakon of Light, still working for me, to this day.

That first year was not easy, I had fallen down that hole, just like you, and all the mellow drama, the divorce, the emotional baggage, the un-repaired relationships, they all took second place to my little new light.

And if some A.H. told me to stop whining, well I did not give them a chance to, cause I sat in those meetings for a year, and did not say anything, other than, my name is Toni, and I am an Alcoholic. I had made a personal decision to just listen, and when someone asked me if I would like to share, I would Pass, with "Thank you, I just want to Listen" Thought I would learn something, and I did. Many times way too shakey, and troubled, and full of fear, my fears would get so loud at times, I could not hear what was being said. But it was o.k., because I had my little light of Sobriety in front of me, and walked through that first year, many times so scared that I would, because of my history, drink again. Fear is just an emotion, and can turn into a monster emotion, would ask my Higher Power to hold on to me, as the monster emotion of Fear came through and then Passed.

When I reached my AA 1st Birthday, I had completed the written portion of my fourth Step. And on that 1st Birthday, felt a strong sense of that myserious God that I had been praying to... was REAL, My Higher Power had walked beside me everyday in that first year, I can tell you that today, I feel very strongly, that it was my Higher Power that kept me Sober, I really did the foot work of going to the meetings, but the Power that kept me away from Drinking was not in me, it was in that Power Greater than Myself.

I was no longer the Big Loser in AA, I could see clearly that I was going to be able to let my Higher Power continue to Keep me Sober, one little day at a time.

That is how it began for this Alke, Niall, this was my Process of being Released from the 'Death Grip" of this Disease. I now only wanted to live, the despare of my life was behind me. I had something now, that I can share with you, and that is the Gift of Hope. This Program give each and everyone of us, that have sufferred greatly with this Disease and done that battle with the Titanic, we, with the help of our Higher Power are allowed to rise up from the Ashes.

All my love and warm wishes for you, many of us here have known that "Death Grip", and we are here talking about it, and so can you my friend, I have faith in you, that this is your moment of the Darkness about to become the Dawn.

Toni                 Hope you stay right here, with us, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, MY FRIEND

Thanks for the post. You definitely have a talent for writing Niall.

Hope things get betters soon!