Went thru (going thru) a rough few hours tonight/this morning. For the first time in many years, I spoke to the father of my youngest daughter. Very very sick relationship. Anyway, it was some stuff to be discussed regarding both my grandson and my daughter, who is in Chow Chila, in california, for dispatching one of her dealer friends. The whole thing is a very hard thing for me to deal with period, but I knew I had to make the call, but oh, my heart was pounding and my hands shaking when I dialed the phone. I felt so much fear--would he start berating me, would he be verbally abusive, would he blame me for what she did. Even though I didn't express any of this to him at first, he was very kind on the phone and I realized just how stuck I can be in reference to people from my past. How fear and resentments, even when I think they're gone, can jump out at me after all this time. I mean, that was thirty years ago. I know how much I have changed, but rather than giving him credit to have possibly changed, I chose to view him as static, as the Great Abuser. I can grow, but he can't? For two years now, while she has been in prison, we could have been supportive of eachother, maybe gotten thru it easier (if there is any easier in this type of thing), and shown her a united front, even though he and I have a very long way to go to truly open communication. I imagine, when I let myself think about it, that his trust in me is bound to be no better than mine in him. The moral here being; if you think about reaching out, you probably should, despite the fear involved. Once it is in front of you, it ceases to be a fear and becomes a tangible subject to be dealt with. Now maybe I can get some sleep. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Just wanted to ditto what Dan said, Heavy, heavy stuff, and hope you can feel our love for you.
Courage is doing what we need to, in spite of the fear, and you did that. I see you as a very courageous woman. And bringing up the past, is the rough part.
Sometimes what we are required to do in our Sober lives, can feel like we have to walk through a ring of fire, and that cannot be done without a strong sense of Fear attached to it.
I think the author's name is Gail Sheehe, but not certain, but she has a very simple book on this process, FEEL THE FEAR, AND DO IT..ANYWAY!! The entire book (to Me) is on the cover.
I had this horrible fear of doing my amends with my first husband, so much so, that I changed the plans about 5 times, and when we finally met face to face, I did make my amends to him, kept focused on the My side of the street. Got though it, did not get a real positive response from him at that time. But it is strange, that one year later, when I had a gathering of a Memorial for my Mother, (that I really never knew), that when I was about to cut the cake, he made a point of walking up to me in this meeting of about 40 people that all knew our whole story, and put his arm around my shoulder, and kept it there, while I cut this cake. A Very Powerful moment in my memory.
Just wanted to share that, healing does take place, maybe not in our time, but in His time.
My take on something, when we love someone, then things go wrong, and we start attaching all these other emotions, fear, resentment, resentments, and lets see, oh yeah, resentments, that when this person dies, and we are finally confronted with the TRUTH, what remains is the original love we had, the man made resentments evaporate. Love is the only REAL emotion, that's me take, anyway, my Higher Power has guided me to see that all other emotions that we attach, are not real, only Love is Real.
hope I did not get side tracked in my trying to offer support to you, my dear, dear friend.
