To be honest.. no everythings not going ok.. i ent been to meetings.. and i have been drinking..
i was gona go to a meeting friday night, even orderd the taxi then realised i was an hour late and that the meetin was just about to end, so had to cancel the taxi..
Minds abit mixed up at the moment..
But hopefully i will be able to go to Weymouth tomorrow.. i drank early today and im hoping i wil be ok to drive by morning or mid morning. I will probably sleep in car if i do go.... and thusly wont drink.
kcuFing hell.. I was doing well in my head recently but kinda let that slip, just gota get that back again.. Which im hoping to do if i go away for a couple of days..
Today was abit of an ass (donkey) to be honest.
Actualy... i have felt really scared... ffs... i know i dont have to feel like this.. i do have the power to change that... i have the power to make things better iv just chosen not to lately... Doh!..
This morning i did alot of beating myself up.. Calling myself a total loser etc etc etc.. Basicaly looking at what i have become and what i should be.. etc.. So i have plans to become that which id like to be and i just need make that happen... which i will!.... . i hope...
I tell you what has realy dominated things lately
And that is paranoia!!!!! omg.. omg.. have i been paranoid..
My mate Stacey who i can be totaly honest with.. iv told her of how paranoid iv been over things me and her have talked about and iv been worried that she might think this or that.. and shes assured me every time that its fine and that she ddint think like that and i dont need to be paranoid etc..
One day last week we had ended the conversation the night before with her saying, as i asked, that there was NOTHING to be paranoid about our conversation that night... I woke up and kept thinking "oh what if".. and "oh maybe i sounded".. etc.. but i knew i had to quash that.. i knew i had nothing to be paranoid about but omg my mind naturaly KEPT looking for stuff.. I learnt alot that day about myself and about the mind and about paranoia... Its amazing just how much i wanted to beat myself up.. Like i said... this taught me alot!
Ive had situations that I was so full of paranoia, and fear...that I reacted on both...and screwed up relationships, and other things...that were good in the first place...Ive done those things sober...
Afraid of loosing, what I already had...
Insane Sh*t....
Youre not a loser...but I can certainly identify with how you feel...
Do the best yu can....It will get better...if we just try to do the "Do" things...
I was 37 when I finally gave up fighting...
But I remember..how I felt at 30....The same way you do...
Have a good one...
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Trying to do this all on my own never worked for me, and not even for 24 hours. I hope someday you can have a good f2f support group in place. It has made all the difference, for me!!
Happy Birthday... 30 is a real milestone. Have a good trip.
