A little over 5 years ago, following an especially heavy drinking period, I went to AA and got sober, and have remained alcohol-free since that time.
This spring I met and fell in love with the woman of my dreams. We have just recently moved in together.
I am a musician and play regularly in jam sessions around town (in bars, of course). This is a common ground for us as she is a music lover, and this shared love of music was important in the bonding between us. Early in our relationship I really wasn’t bothered much by that fact that she would drink while we were out at the bars on the music scene. She has never drank at my or our home.
However, over the past week or two I have been becoming resentful about the fact the she can drink, while I can’t. It’s been especially troubling, because I clearly know and understand that alcohol is poison for me. It would seem terribly selfish of me to ask her to stop drinking because of MY problem.
Does anyone have a similar experience and/or advice you could share?
I'm in a similar situation to you. I am an alcoholic and my wife isn't. She can drink in moderation, and sometimes will.
I have always made it clear to my wife that it is ME that has the alcohol problem, and if she wants to have a drink, it is ok.
Accept that she can drink, and remember that for an alcoholic 1 drink is too many.
Best wishes
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Well, I have a Sponsor who, after 1 and a half years had to tell her husband, that she could not handle him drinking on a nightly basis. It was a crisis time for her, because of this, she just could not personally handle going to a meeting everyday, and then come home and watch her husband pour a drink or two for himself. They had drank for about 7 years together, and maybe that had something to do with why she could not handle it.
Their Marriage was on the line over this issue, and so, after really thinking it over, because he did not have a problem with Alcohol, he decided to just not drink any more, and yes, just for her, because she was a real Alcoholic. And that was many years ago, and he has told her many times, he never misses it.
I tried to reconcile in a marriage once too, and my husband that did not care for Alcoholic, that was insistant on using Pot everyday, well, I just could not take it, and he was not going to stop for me, he was not present, no alcohol on his breath, but I could not take the look in his eyes of being high on something, so I did leave that marriage.
I had to put my own Sobriety in Front of Everything else, which included my marriage, anything and everything in my life, had to come second to my Sobriety, if I was going to keep it, and I wanted my Sober life more than I wanted to do battle with anyone or anything which would jeopordize my own Sobriety.
It is a completely individual thing, if you are feeling like you can't take it, then have you thought about talking to her about how you feel??
I will have 17 years in Recovery, this September, but for me, I still could not be around someone everyday that drank. But as I said, it's your call.
It does not bother me, when I am out socially, when people drink, I could not care less, but living day to day with someone drinking, that is another story, just for me.
Talk to her and do it soon. Tell her what you posted here. She may have the answer. My SO also a social drinker, I too went thru the 'envy', I didn't want to deprive him so I didn't speak up, that caused major resentment, which lead to a break up. When I finally did tell him the truth, his response was "Honey, why didn't you tell me all of this before it got out of hand. I would have gladly not drank around you."
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I can understand where you are coming from as my boyfriend is staying with me at the moment and he drinks. He did offer not to drink if it would cause me any problems. Usually, it's fine and I don't have a problem. I just think back to how bad my drinking was and I truly don't want to drink.
Last night, though, we were watching television and there was a scene were a couple were sharing a bottle of wine. I could almost taste the wretched stuff. I didn't like it one bit.
But, I know that I can't have that first drink. After eight glorious weeks with AA I picked up a drink fully intending only to have the one with a meal. Eighteen appalling months later I crawled back to AA. I have been back with AA for over eight months now and my life is starting to turn around.
I do speak to my boyfriend about it if his drinking does give me a problem. But, at the end of the day, he can drink and I can't. So, I remind myself to keep it in the day. Also, I'm lucky in that he is usually very supportive of my not drinking and we can talk very openly. I try not to get resentful of him and to get rid of my own personal envy. It's my envy, not his drinking, that could lead to me taking a drink again.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
This is at the crux of what my husband and I just went through.
My sponsor has 14 + years of recovery... and her husband drinks very occasionally.... I asked her about a recent 'incident' with my own husband, and it seems that the heart of the metter depends where we are at, not how long we are sober.
Josh called me a few days ago from work. We have been married for a couple of years, and when we met he began attending AA meetings in support of me. He has met all my friends and they have become a part of HIS life as well. When my best girlfriend SR went back out, he was very supportive and he had 'talks' with her also... as they are like brother and sister. (Thank God, BTW, she made it back...) He had promised me when we got married that I would NEVER have to live in a household that had alcohol either present in the house, or drinking going on with any of it's members.
A couple of times (3, maybe?) in our marriage he has asked me, "Would it bother you if I had a beer or two?" A couple of times I said 'no' and it did not bother me at all. One time I said, "I'd rather you not tonight." He never questioned it, and did not 'throw a pity party' or use silent scorn, or anything like an alcoholic would do, as unlike us, he does not NEED to drink.
The past couple of months has been the most difficult for him ever at work. For instance, last night he worked from 6am until 2am... 20 straight hours. It has been like this lately and he's not had a full day off in over a month. The other day he called me and asked, "How would you feel if I had a few beers once in a while?" I started crying, not so much because of the question, but because of where I'm at right now. I had to tearfully explain to him how hard it has been for me the past few weeks... harder than it's been in the whole 18 months I've been sober...... that I have had to work double-time right now to stay sober. That 18 months is not a long time for this alcoholic to not have had a drink/drug. That I would probably be more PRONE to feeling self pity, jealousy and anger right now. I know myself too well. Instead of trying to be 'cool' or 'nice' or pleasing someone else, right now, I have to put my sobriety #1.... and that means at times being SELFISH... yes, SELFISH!!! Better to be selfish with this, than to be selfish later with a bottle and crack-pipe in hand, and probably divorce papers along with......
Ultimately, I have no control over what my husband does or does not do. And I MUST stay sober one day at a time regardless of what anyone else in my life does, even my husband. I tried to be 'nice' and 'cool' with my last boyfriend who was not an alcoholic... Know what? I ended up drinking over anger, jealously and self-pity at 2 years because we could not agree on the drinking thing. So I have had to learn from my OWN experience, and what MY limitations are, and not base my decision upon what anyone else in this world can or can't handle.
The BBook talks about how through working the 12 Steps we are placed in a 'position of neutrality'... I have been there, but I KNOW damn well I am just NOT there right now!! So it is my responsibility to make it known.
Fortunately for me, I have a very dedicated husband. I cried continuously on the phone... and not crocodile or manipulation tears... I do not cry easily and he knows this. I said to him, "I feel awful because this is so unfair".... He said, "Joni, what makes it fair is that I have you, clean, sober and healthy." This man has seen me in a short but heavy relapse a year and a half ago, so he knows exactly what he is talking about, and that is why he felt compelled to ask first.
Let me remind us all, that while we absolutely have to learn how to function in society and accept life on life's terms to stay sober, we do not have to uneccesarily put ourselves in harm's way...EVER... deep down, WE are the ones who know if we are on shakey ground or not. My sponsor fully agreed that I need to be open and honest with my husband about this no matter what. And if someone is NOT an alcoholic, than they do not NEED to drink to have a good time, or especially at the expense of a loved one's recovery.
I am sure to get those who disagree... but I am in the business of keeping this girl sober, one day at a time, through really rough patches, and also through the 'easier' times. Where I'm at in a particular moment can change. I need to recognize where I'm at and face it, and not be ashamed of it. I spent too much time being selfish in the wrong ways... So I allow myself to be 'selfish' in the right way, for me, today.
Yes, she does know about my problem. I told her when we first met that I am a recovering alcoholic. And we have discussed this several times, and will continue to do so. As she told me the other night, this really is the only problem that we have, which is really amazing at our ages (I'm 45, she's 41).
She had a problem period in her life 6 years ago when she drank heavily and spent 30 days in rehab. Since I have known her, it's my opinion that she does drink a little too often, though not daily, and too much. As to whether she may be an alcoholic, at present I would guess no. Before we met she drank regularly, but not daily. She does consume rather heavily at times, and I am deeply concerned about that.
As I said, we have discussed the problem, and on Monday I thanked her for going the past 2 weeks without drinking around me. We had not been out to a bar recently, till Tuesday night. When the waitress came, we ordered cokes... but while I was on stage playing music she had a rum & coke. On the drive home I felt very agitated inside knowing that I couldn't get high, too. Envy is the appropriate word, I suppose. I'm certain that she felt resentful for not being comfortable to have a drink around me, but then she had one as soon as I was away from the table. I felt almost like she was trying to hide it, although she told me right away that she had "broke down" and ordered a rum & coke.
soberdrunk - No, I haven't been to a meeting in over a year, and not very many in the past 3 years. I mentioned to her a few weeks ago that I ought to go to a meeting... but I suppose I am kind of afraid of what they'll say.... new playmates, new playgrounds, barber shops and haircuts, etc. etc.
This morning in the shower after some virgorous excercise I had a moment of clarity that brought me some serenity... that the issue is due to MY problem and where I'm at right now. I think at the crux of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of alcohol ruining yet something else in my life.
you are assuming what you will hear at a meeting??.... might as well just imagine the entire meeting in the privacy of your own home, then you won't have to go... right??
Nobody scolded me when I had not been to many meetings.. for about 6 months, then started going again. They had been, to my surprise, BUSY keeping themselves sober and dealing with their own issues!! Wow, was I ever surprised.. it wasn't all about me... LOL
Please get to a meeting, even if your 'ass falls off'. You are 5 years without a drink and helping HOW MANY people to stay sober?.... you know, we have to give it away to keep it, and the best place to do that is at a meeting!!
Please get back to AA, while it is still an easy choice, my friend.
But if you have been sober for 5 years then we can talk like adults, right??... I'd rather be told the 'truth' about another's experience that be patted on the hiney... hope you feel the same way and hope hope hope you can get to a meeting and start feeling sooo much better!!! I'm really rootin' for you!!
No problem, I appreciate your frankness! Yes I did go to a meeting, strangely the meeting itself didn't seem to help a lot... maybe it was because most of the group were coke addicts rather than alcoholics like me? In any event, being at the old location where I got sober brought back a lot of strength and rememberances of fellowship.
As soon as I got home I first called my two closest friends. The first has been abusing alcohol lately, and I talked with him a while about what's been bugging him in his life. We both seemed to fell better after that. Then I called my next closest friend who is an alky like me, and that conversation made a world of difference. He told me the things I needed to know. Alcohol never did anything good for him (or me), we can't drink one or two or three and stop, and that our lives are so much better now without it.
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