Does God let us down, or do we let ourselves down?
Yesterday, I prayed that God would keep me sober and sane for another day. I prayed the third step prayer honestly and sincerely. However, after work last night, I went and bought a case of hard lemonade and drank 10. Why? Did God not protect me? Or did I just ignore Him?
Those "strange mental blank spots" can only be eliminated by a Higher Power. So where was my HP in this strange mental blank spot? I didn't even think twice about the consequences. I was just completely angry at my mother at the time, and perhaps I used her as an excuse to get drunk? She, who is also an alcoholic, came into my work completely smashed and crying to me about the fact that I never see her. Well, I've explained to her over and over how our work schedules are completely different and I rarely have time to see my own husband, let alone family. But she created a scene in front of my customers. I was embarrassed and furious at her. Did my own anger cause me to ignore God? Did He try to talk to me and I couldn't hear Him over my own anger? What is it?
Does a Higher Power really work or what? Am I just wasting my time here and am doomed to die an alcoholic death? Really bummed and angry today. Sorry.
Hi HD. I used anger as an excuse for years. Which means I actually used other people (since I wasn't angry at a tree or bowl of cereal). It was as good an excuse as any, and kept me from owning my own sh**. My HP never turned Her back on me. I made a decision to not listen. I made a choice, just a two nano second choice, to get drunk or to drink. I'm the one that got out of the car, went into the store, waited in line with bottle in hand. If I'd been calling out, with open heart and ears, I know I would have heard that small quiet voice, and it wouldn't have said "go get drunk". It would have said "call another support member, go to a meeting, go home and work on your steps, go read One Day at a Time" etc. My HP, had I listened rather than shut my mind off to Her, would not have been turned away---it was me that turned away. The scariest part of sobriety is taking responsibility for your own actions. Nobody else makes our decisions for us, nobody abandons us but us. But once that single mindedness of alcoholism takes hold, we do exactly what we want to do--we listen to the alcoholic within, and drown out the voice of anything else. It's the nature of the disease. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Today I went to a meeting and talked to a few people. Even though I'm still angry at my mother and really resent what she did to me, I cannot let her, or anyone else affect my sobriety. I have to be number one, even if it means cutting my mother off for awhile. She is very codependent of me and my sister. She goes ballistic if we don't call her at least once or twice a week. I cannot let her "rent space in my head" anymore. I need to focus 100% on recovery and not let the drama in my life be an excuse to get drunk anymore. I may not have another chance than this one right here, right now.
I accept responsibility for what I did last night. God was not the one that made me drive to the store, pick up the case and drink. He didn't pour the booze down my throat. Nobody did that but me. I guess I should have cried out to Him in my anger. I do not need to be ashamed to come to Him, no matter what mood I'm in. He can handle it, right? But I only prayed in the morning, expecting that to be enough to cover the whole day. Maybe somedays I need to pray every hour, or whenever I consciously need to. I need all the help I can get. I am utterly hopeless on my own. I totally know what powerlessness feels like now. Whoa. Help me Lord! Help me!
Heather
p.s. I'm sober now and intend to stay that way for another 24 hours. Thanks for loving me, regardless of the stupid mistakes I make.
Keep reaching out... don't ever abandon AA; it will save your life. I am glad you 'fessed up' nad can see some changes that need to be made. Again, although this program is indeed a miracle, it is not a Miracle Program and requires us to pick up the phone.... every time... Don't ofrget about the "We" thing.
Love you to pieces, here for you, and take care of yourself by reaching out... especially in those darkest of moments. Isolation will get us every time.
I too have spent many nights drunk and angry. So many "reasons" to drink. I don't believe my HP ever would abandon me either. The anger and selfishness get in the way of my connection. Thanks for posting and keep on going. No matter what, AA is there for us. It is a WE program and I agree that isolation will get us every time. BIG problem for me. I need to remember that too. Thanks for the reminders!
