I didnt go to a meeting tonight, even though i had been set on going most of the day.. I kinda wish i had now..
Omg hangover big time today... geese.. I have felt absolutely awful today. I was sent out in the van this afternoon, about 15:40 so should have been sober by then (geese it was that bad), but as i was driving the van i just felt so sick, i kept retching and retching (its amazing sometimes that im not actualy sick).
But all of this didnt stop me drinking tonight.. Im not completey mashed at the moment but i have to add a 'YET' to that.
How do i get the part of me that doesnt want to drink to be stronger than the part of me that still wants to drink?
I guess its gettin to meetings as often as possible. As i said im kinda wishing i had gone to a meeting tonight but its too late now.
I guess i gota try to do the 90/90 thing.. At this point i duno how i am gona do that... Well as you know i AM trying.
Its funny/wierd, this weekend iv been to 3 meetings and iv talked at two of them and said quite honestly and openly that im an alcoholic but then suddenly i get these belts of HOW CAN I BE... THIS ISNT ME.... sort of stuff.. it kinda feels like such a temporary thing. I cant imagine being an everyday aa goer and doing the stuff of realy working the program with a sponsor and steps and all that which at present i dont really understand fully. THEN tonight my mate had left me a message on my answerphone (we always communicate in answermachine messages) about me getting drunk "most nights now".... I looked on my year planner on my wall and i try to put alittle "x" on the days that i dont drink, have done that for years on and off, i dont always put every day down but i try to. And this year iv had 22 days sober all in all and i was telling him that. I still have last years planner up, underneith this years and i have noted down 15 days.. i think there were a few more that i didnt write down but... geese a whole year and only 15 days, noted down, sober!! And out of over 6 months this year iv had just over 3 weeks sober all in all. NOW if that doesnt say im an alcoholic WTF does??? This is what im saying to myself ... Im not wanting to bleve im an alcohlic and that im not like the other people at aa yet i can say that iv had just 22 days sober in just over 6 months!! I like FACTS.... And if that isnt fact enough then wtf is!?? These are the things im saying to myself tonight..
It kinda urinates me off that i have had to get so drunk to go to the meetings these last few days.. im pleased i went and so proud of myself for doing so and soo pleased/proud that i actualy talked.. Big steps for me! I WANT to go to the meeting in Beaconsfield tomorrow, the one i went to the first time, but i will do that sober and im kinda worried that i wil bottle out again.. I want to talk sober.. though i have no clue what to say... It will mean so much more for me to talk sober. I know that i have to talk if i want help. People wont get to know me, empathise, relate etc if i dont share, i cant get help if i dont share my tish with people, i want people to relate and support me so i want to get to a meeting sober and talk sober.. Tomorrows gona be really difficult for me... I have got to convince myself to go to the meeting and iv gota try to figure out what to say... .. when im drunk at a meeting i dont have to figure out exactly what to say cos the fact im drunk will account for any incoherence to my sharing but if im gona do it sober i should try to get it abit clearer.. I can so easily see myself bottling out tomorrow night.. And i really hope that if i do that people on here wont think less of me. Hopefully i will come on here tomorrow night and post that i made it to the meeting.. ACtualy i might not get the option to talk.. if i rem correctly at this meeting they dont open it up to newcomers, they just pick names and ask if they want to share... daft really seeing as its a beginners meeting.. but maybe i dont rem correctly... i was so stressed and emotional at the meetings then i might have easily forgotten..
This was gona be a relatively short post... Guess not.. lol..
Well thanx everyone for all your support over the last few days its meant alot. I dont often feel lonley but sometimes it just hits me BAM and your support has made me feel less alone these past few days... thanx.
I know for me when I don't want to go to a meeting, I better get myself there. That is when I need the meetings the most.
A slogan comes to my mind, "Fake It Till You Make It!"
My heart goes out to you, but as I have not walked in your shoes (I am an alanon), I really don't have much ESH to give you.
I do know this program works, I do know that you are not alone, and I do know that you have to make the choice to work it. You have people that can guide you through the steps, but you are the driver, you have to decide where you want to go. Down the road you have been before, or the road towards serenity.
Well Rob, tomorrow is tomorrow. Worry about it then! Keep up the courage you have shown in these past few days! A note for you.......only alcoholics wonder if they are alcoholics! Normal people don't suffer from alcoholism and don't think they have a problem because they don't!!!!!
It's not how much or how often you drink, it's what happens when you drink! Think about that for awhile. Take it easy my friend.
The desire is all that is required...........just keep coming back and put your faith in the fact that you can stop, if you desire it badly enough. Then the Work really starts.....Thanks for the reminders of why I came back.....and so quickly... after 9.5 months of abstinence, it only took 1 night of drinking and the last 3 days of a hairhurting hangover to remind me why I never want to drink again.....You're in my prayers Rob.........I've been told praying for others what you desire for yourself can deliver miracles...... give it a shot.
-- Edited by Doll at 19:58, 2006-07-10
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Keep trying Rob.........it doesn't happen overnight. I know it took me a few years to become alcoholic and to develop this wonderful alcoholic mind that I have, so it cannot be remedied in a few meetings, months, even years...one day at a time.
