Okay, I am new again to the program. Still on step one as far as I know. But this past couple of days, especiallly at work, I've had these horrible feelings and thoughts regarding other people (customers and coworkers). I have always been the nice, courteous waitress. But the past two days, I've been so hateful and angry that I can barely crack a smile. Where is this feeling coming from?
Step four is obviously a way off still. So I guess I shouldn't be so worried about it. But I know that alks should never be too angry, hungry, lonely or tired. Maybe I'm so angry and resentful because I have had to work EVERY single day of this four-day weekend. No fireworks, no picnics, no family and friends. Just work. While all these happy-go-lucky SOB's come in with their families and wish me a happy 4th. Right.
Most of my coworkers know I'm in AA and struggling. I begged on my hands and knees for someone to cover my shift yesterday so I could finally go to a meeting. And nobody would. They all had stupid plans. I'm angry about that. I'm struggling for my life and nobody cares.
Anyway, sorry to whine. I just really want to know if this anger is going to last awhile. I don't like being angry and hateful. That's not who I am. What the heck is wrong with me?
Well the emotional roller coaster is something that we all go through in early Recovery. And when we are really in a roller coaster, what do we do, just hold on TIGHT!
Just a little suggestion, you might want to do some Pillow punching when you get home.
Do you have meetings that you can go to during the hours when you are not working??
Just NO MATTER WHAT, don't turn that anger in, on you. Anger management in a biggy in Recovery, I have learned some techniques that work for me. So I can rid myself of anger, as soon as I am aware of it.
The number one Offender in this Program, is Resentments.
Your could also have a montra, in your head, that you ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY, repeat it about 500 times and see what happens. Let it over-ride the temporary stuff that is in your head, and remember that it is all just that.........Temporary.
A Big Hug, and I'll take a big deep breath for you, cause I know that slow, deep breathing can change things too.
And remember you can start the day over, at any given time today, if you choose to.
Thanks for understanding Toni and not thinking I'm a total selfish b**ch. I have all these feelings churning around inside that I don't remember having the first time around. I had the instant pink cloud before. I'd rather have the pink cloud for awhile than this anger, fear, depression, etc. brewing inside. I'm about to leave for work and I'm scared that I will lash out at some poor coworker or customer because I'm an emotional basket case.
I must have repeated the Serenity Prayer a dozen times in the past hour. But I can't attain any form of peace. I really just want to lay down face first in my pillow and bawl my eyes out. But I can't. I haven't been able to cry since getting sober 9 days ago. This is hard. But I know it's better to tell someone (even in cyberspace) how I'm feeling than to hold it all in.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Talk to y'all later. Enjoy some fireworks for me, will ya?
I am glad you are in the program and are learning you are powerless.I deal with customers to and it is exuasting at times but when I dirve home i pray to my hp thank him i made it though a day then when i get home i do some thing for me if it take a bath go to a meeting call a friend drink a coke eat a twinkie not the whole box but one ha.
I know the other day it seemed all the bad customers were comeing in and i was getting furstrated and it was time for a break and i went walked out side went got a drink outside and i was ready to come in and do it again .
sometime just doing some thing take a deep breathe go to the bathroom get a drink of water something can help you get though the day.
I think I felt a lot of envy today, that I projected as anger. I was jealous of people who got to spend the day with their families, celebrating our independence, having picnics, seeing parades, watching fireworks, etc. I was jealous of all those people who could enjoy a few beers and not have to "control" it. I wanted so badly to be on my family's boat, loafing in the pool, or just eating a hot dog.
I was jealous of my coworkers when they talked of drinking after work. While they all know I'm newly sober, they talked about it joyfully, right in front of me. That made me angry too.
But now that the day is pretty much over, and I'm still sober, I'm feeling better. At least I won't wake up tomorrow hungover, like a lot of Americans will. Plus, I finally get a day off tomorrow, so I can devote myself 100% to recovery. I desperately need that! Whew! What a day!
I'm with you. Early recovery IS an emotional rollercoaster. I'm three days after four years of getting wasted every night but maybe 10 or 12 because I was too sick.
For me it's the conjuring up that goes on in your head. Creating scenarios or acting out verbally or physically violent scenarios that are so far fetched to ever happen.
The battle is in the mind.
Anyway, the previous poster was dead on when he said the anger is 'our stuff'.
Finally, what helps me get those angry moments is understanding what alcohol has done to me on a cellular, biological, and tissue level. It's dangerous stuff that 'changes' you on such a core level.
In my opinion, so much of AA's workings deal with the mental. I wish they did a 101 course on what booze does to the brain, dt's, cells, etc.......Maybe they do......I'm not trying to dis AA.
Talking about anger and resentment here is better than soaking in it. Resentments and self pity are bad for me because they always lead to more pain. I have to work at feeling, dealing, and healing them. My alcoholic thinking makes my natural tendency anger and resentment, but I know now that I can choose to wallow in it or do something about it....I can't do anything about others but I can do something about me. The world is the world, and things happen/work according to some great plan....but it's not my plan. I'm a participant but not the architect...I try to remember that not everyone acts according to the way I want, when I want it......Something that works for me is to "reframe" the situation so my understanding of it changes... I know it sounds like BS right now but you actually have a choice about being angry...(or continuing to be angry)....feel, deal, heal
Sounds like some of your coworkers are &%$holes...that's on them.
There's nothing wrong with you. Anger and resentment are natural for us alcoholics...we just need to listen to others who've learned tools to deal with them...and who use them. I've met some folks who've been in AA a long time who are still angry and resentfull. Someone braver than I called someone out at a meeting one time by saying to them "if you haven't been drinking for awhile...but are still wallowing in anger and resentment and the problems they cause, then you're doing something wrong!"
I decided I wanted to be like the "happy people" in AA, the ones with some serenity, rather than the one who seem perpetually bummed out or always wrapped up in problems. Listen to the ones who "got what you want"
