I have been on this board quite a bit but it has been some time since I posted. I got some great help from some of you at various times. I can relate to many of you, particularly the likes of Rob because I, like him am finding it very hard to just stop and surrender.
Let me explain. I am now what you might call a “chronic” case. That is, whenever I stop drinking I suffer severe anxiety and panic attacks. I get the shakes badly and feel in mortal terror most of the time when SOBER. The first thing I reach for of course to calm me down is more drink... its a viscous circle.
Going to a meeting is no good to me in my current state. I still manage to hold down a job as I have to. I have 2 young children to support from my failed marriage and they rely on the money I provide. If it had been up to me I would have stopped working long ago as I am not able for it anymore... but somehow I HAVE to try and keep it going. Its a nightmare but if I stop working, I stop earning. And if I stop earning... it all falls apart.
Even if I wanted to go in for treatment in a rehab centre and had to take time off work I couldn’t do it... as in my job you don’t get paid for sick leave.
I just don’t know what to do. I could go to a meeting tonight and talk to someone but would that keep me sober? Even for one night? I am in so much anixety as I write this. I feel like just running screaming away.. anywhere.
I am alone. Everyone is gone. I lost my last friend over the weekend in a stupid row. I have alienated my entire family. Nobody wants to see me or to know me. I can’ even see my children as I never know what sort of a state I’ll be in.
When I was drinking I tried to pretend that I didn't have panic attacks, I just wanted them to go away. Towards the end of my drinking, I would only leave the house to get some more alcohol. I never answered the telephone or my front door. In the end nobody 'phoned me and nobody called at my door. I had completely isolated myself from the rest of the world.
I wouldn't speak to my parents because I felt aggrieved by them; I had lost all of my friends; my long term boyfriend had moved out months before.
I eventually surrendered and 'phoned AA. I used to go to meetings feeling terrified. I didn't want anyone to look at me or to try to talk to me. But, it has got better. Hey, I even enjoy my meetings now after just a few short months!
Look after yourself, Niall, and keep posting here.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I am sickened at what I have done to the people in my life. My last contact with my dad was when I sent him some horrible, horrible messages about stuff from the past & resentments etc. God knows how I will ever make it up to him
When I quit drinking, I thought that I would never be able to make amends to the folk that I had hurt and damaged. My long-term boyfriend caught most of my anger, hurt, frustration and resentments. But, we are working on it.
Now, most of my friends are fine again. They are fully supportive and keep checking on how I am doing. I haven't told my parents that I am now going to AA. We don't live in the same area but we do talk a lot on the 'phone. No doubt they have heard the difference in my voice - I can talk like a 'normal' human being now without slurring my words and yelling at them.
Don't be too hard on yourself. That was the very worst thing that I could do to myself. I really do remember to take one day at a time. You are posting here and that is a great start. It's something that I just couldn't have done.
Take care of yourself and let me know how things are going for you, if you want.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Good to see you back posting again. My husband suffers from panic disorder and he would be a mess without the help of his doctor. Ha had also stopped drinking but is not going to AA. His panic and anxiety is under control now. Just my opinion but a doctor could help you. Anxiety and panic are scary things. I've seen my husband in that state and we've had multiple trips to the hospital because of it.
Going to meetings is what is keeping me sober right now. The people that I've met are just awesome and so helpful. They are there for me anytime and I am so grateful for that. The first few months of going to meetings I was very uncomfortable and anxious but as people got to know me and saw my face around more I realized that this is where I need to be. I had no faith in mankind until I started going to AA. Amazing people who are there to help and support. What a gift AA has been for me. After isolating so much in the last couple years of my drinking I now have friends. People I can call, talk to , hang out with, laugh and cry with.
I do hope you are able to get to meetings and get help with your anxiety. Nobody does this alone! Take care of yourself.
Hi, after reading your post it sounds like professional help could help you a great deal. I remember being sober for 6 months and had one of my attacks,so I knew it was not just alcohol making me go crazy. I put the program in all arias in my life including my mental state and go to any lenghths to help all of me. That includes outside help,not just AA. I truly wish just going to meetings was a cure all,but they are a stepping stone and a valuble tool in helping me recover from alcholism and helping me in other arias of my life. Your not alone, many people suffer from different ailments other than alcoholism and seek outside help.
I too, came in full of not only alcoholism, but other mental problems that needed attention.
I will say, that at first, anxiety is quite normal in the detoxification cycle... but many, myself included, needed outside he;lp from a doctor. Our book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", states very clearly that some do need outside help, and if that is what we need, then that is what we are to do.
In addition, many of us need a Dr's supervision during the detox process.
Therapy/medication does not take the place of the 12 Step program of recovery, and AA does not cure mental/emotional problems that need to be treated by a professional.
But hand in hand, both/all of these problems were lessened in my life by first admitting powerlessness not only over alcohol, but over my other emotional problems/symptoms. I learned I did not get this sick overnight, and that in order to get well, I would have to surrender to the treatment and therapy, as well as to a Higher Power though the 12 Steps.
I had panic attacks, nightmares, blurred vision, 'flat spots' in my emotions where I could feel nothing, and then I would later feel everything, all at once. It was hard to function in my day-to-day life. I was full of fear, remorse, anxiety, terror, depression and the like. Those who had loved me and tried to stick by me invariably let go in futility. There was deep resentment in myself and anger in my family.
The only way those particular relationships were repaired, was when those around me saw me working on my own recovery with all that was in me; that I was indeed willing to go to any lengths to get well. Counselling seemed to suck at first, but it was my attitude, I found. After a short time, when I began to heal emotionally in the smallest of ways, these triumphs became HUGE to me; they were something to be proud of and hold on to.
Wherever you are at right now, however bad it may seem, there is hope. Many many like you and like me have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. And all it took fopr me was to wake up one morning and say:
"I'm sick and tired of living this way. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can't do this on my own. I'm willing to do ANYTHING... yes, ANYTHING... to be happy and recover.... AA? FINE. Get a sponsor? OK. I WILL. Counselling? FINE. I WILL. Medication? (for me at the time, not for everyone...) FINE. I WILL." I had to be willing to go to any lengths. ANY LENGTHS. Since I had nowhere else to go, I surrendered.
For me, it has truly been getting remarkably better from there. My worst day sober is wonderful in comparison to my best day drunk and sick.
I will pray for you for willingness, my friend. No matter what, you always have people who truly can say, "I understand" here on MIP. We have been there. Keep posting and know you are being thought of.
Can't tell you how happy I was to see you Posting his morning.
Niall, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEARS, YOUR TERROR, YOUR SENSE OF ISOLATION, DISPAIR. I do give my word of honor on that.
I want to comment of something you wrote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Let me explain. I am now what you might call a “chronic” case. That is, whenever I stop drinking I suffer severe anxiety and panic attacks. I get the shakes badly and feel in mortal terror most of the time when SOBER. The first thing I reach for of course to calm me down is more drink... its a viscous circle." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If someone had ever asked me to explain why I would leave the Program, after 1 week, 1 day, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 day, 2 weeks, 1 day, etc, etc. Those would have been my EXACT words.
I went back and copied something from the founder, John's Post on what I consider to be a Mission Statement of this Board, hoping that it might help you understand where the outside help you may need would be discribed in detail, according to our Literature: ------------------------------------------------------------ The AA Big Book on page 64 says..."Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions."
If all we are here for is to stop drinking, faced with this DIESASE, thats the same as just wiping our runny nose when we have Pneumonia. It's going to keep running and we're going to keep wiping, until we treat the diease, not just the symptom. For us, we, if we are fortunate enough are going to keep stop drinking, not stay stopped drinking if we don't treat this diease with all the available resources at our deposal. Other or outside resources may not be applicatible to some of us, but that does not mean we have the right to blow that resource out of the water, or off this message board when it could be useful to someone else's journey of recovery.
In the Big Book on page xxvii it says, "The classification of alcoholics seems most difficult, and in much detail is outside the scope of this book." Indicating clearly we might have to look else where to resolve or get information on a variety of matters related to this disease, those subjected to it, and recovery from it. ----------------------------------------------------- Hope this may help,
I sent ya a message a while back. Sometimes winning the battle just to get one day sober involves only talking about what is going on in your life and how it is affecting you. At least that's the way it is with me.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thouroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves completely to this simple program.
All it takes to get sober is a few simple things. No matter how simple they are, it is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in life. I know you can see how this program has turned around innumerable lives of hopelessly addicted people headed for the grave.
All ya have to do is go to meetings and not pick up that 1st drink. Eventually life will get better. Get a phone list and use it whenever the thought of the drink shows up. Just try following some suggestions from people in A.A. Hope this helps.
