struggling tonight

LisaF · Senior Member

struggling tonight

Sick of being sick · MIP Old Timer

Hang in there. What you are feeling is normal. Do you have any AA literature to read?

Here is a link to "Living Sober"(AA endorsed). It has helped me many times!

http://www.aabangalore.com/suggested/livingsober.html

And a link to the Big Book on line, if you don't have one at home.

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html

-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 00:18, 2006-06-18

LisaF · Senior Member

Thanks, I do have the big book but once i got it in my head I was determined to drink... I told my husband I was going to buy some chips and came back with 2 24oz beers, not even my brand of choice, I just took what I could get cheap. My husband hasn't noticed yet, he will eventually though and then he's gonna bitch me out.

LisaF · Senior Member

I feel like shit now. My husband told me no cutting over this, it's not that big a deal but it is a big deal to me and now I just want to hurt myself!

LisaF · Senior Member

I did finally call my sponsor... and she told me we'll start over tomorrow and not to hurt myself over it, that I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to get these temptations sometimes and sometimes I'm going to give into it especially just starting to get sober. But I still want to hurt myself, I'm trying to keep from doing it because I don't want to go to our meeting tomorrow and her see a burn or more cuts on me and know that I did it.

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Hi....

Take it easy on Lisa hu?

We arent bad people trying to get good...

We have a disease called Alcoholism...and we"re trying to get better...a day at a time..:)

Hope you have a better day today...We care...

Whats that saying....?

The people around here...loved me...until the time came...where I could learn to love myself..

Chin Up Kiddo...

LisaF · Senior Member

Thanks Phil... I'm just really not doing good now, I've switched from wanting more alcohol to wanting to hurt myself even more. I burned myself and now I'm still wanting to cut myself too. I'm really trying not to though. I know, one day at a time, but tonight's just a really bad night. I'm just telling myself I'll start over tomorrow with the drinking and the self-injury... I should be saying I'm starting over right now but I still just really want to hurt myself more.

ChopperBabe · Member

Hi Lisa,

First let me say I usually only lurk around here, think I've only posted once, but when I saw this I had an overwhelming urge to reply.

If I have missed something, please forgive me, but I hope you are seeing a professional regarding your need to self inflict pain. One of your posts stated you are bi-polar, do you take meds for this? I believe that you need much more help than just the hand of AA. Although AA is here if you desire to stop drinking, your 'problems' seem to go so much deeper and AA is not equipped to handle such things. So, I'm just saying, that I pray you're getting the help needed in the other areas and incorporate that with AA.

Keep coming back, it does work.

Peace be with you today.

CB

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Going with Chopper on this one Lisa....she said it all....hope you have a better day today...

LisaF · Senior Member

Yes, I'm on meds for my bipolar and they're working *pretty* good right now, still not quite where it needs to be. We work a little on my self-injury but my pdoc doesn't seem that concerned about it really as long as I'm doing the light cuts that I do and I don't cut deeper. He was concerned during my last depression when I was cutting all the time but it got better after awhile and it's not as often as it used to be.

LisaF · Senior Member

Thanks everyone, I should've stuck around for awhile before going out and getting that beer, maybe the responses would've helped keep me from doing it. I feel pretty bad today about it, still pissed off at myself. I know my sponsor said we'll just start over and it's ok but I still feel pretty bad about it. I chickened out about going to the noon meeting today, I'm hoping my sponsor will be there with me tonight and I'll admit to my drinking then and tell them I'm starting over.

jonibaloni · MIP Old Timer

One day at a time...

Outside help is definitely a great and vital piece of advise... your sponsor can help you work the steps, but she cannot cure your other illnesses. it is frustrating to feel as though, "NOW what....??? You mean i have 2 (or more) diseases i have to work on!!??" Been there, done that, and fell flat on my face a number of times. I have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) of a very severe kind. and alcoholism, on top of it. It seemed overwhelming at times, but I kept coming back, not only to the meetings and the Big Book and the Steops, but I kept coming back to therapy, to Psych appointments, and even the 'ward' if I needed to. The only way for me to LET people help me and learn to let go and not struggle so much and try to control all of this, was that I kept coming back.

I have not had a psych episode for years now. I worked the Steps, attended therapy and support groups and took my medicines, and LISTENED to those who knew how to really help. I don't have any nightmares. I don't have any side-effects. I have ZERO panic attacks. And it was not a miracle cure. It took years of dedication to keep coming back. But life is 1,000 times better now, slowly but surely. My psych illness is under control to the point where I can focus solely on my Program, which is very condusive to stillness and balance and healing in and of itself.

I know you can do this!!! KEEP COMING BACK!!!!

LisaF · Senior Member

Thanks jonibaloni, it helps hearing how someone else has gotten through this (especially with other mental illnesses). My sponsor and I have a *lot* in common, that's actually why she said she wanted to work with me. We're both bipolar, and she used to self-injure, she didn't stop until she was 9 months sober. She's told me to call when I want to drink, call if I want to hurt myself, call if I'm in a rage from my bipolar or depressed or just having a bad day in general. Basically call her for anything and everything. People at AA have told me I picked a really good sponsor for me, someone that I would really be able to relate to and I think they're right.

But I know calling her isn't the answer to everything, she can be there to talk me through things but she can't fix things. I know I still need my meds, I still need my psychiatrist, I check in with my psychiatrist every week since I'm only able to see him about every 3 months. I'm thinking about going back to a church counselor that I used to see since I can't afford therapy, he works a lot with addictions too, I used to go to an addictions support group he ran, I was the only self-injurer there, but it was a good group. If they were still doing the group I'd go back to it now. I know I need to work hard with other people and meds and everything to keep my mental instabilities under control, and now alcoholism is just one more problem I have to overcome and with all the outside help I have including AA and my sponsor I think I can do it.