We all know resentment isnt good.I have been going back to meetings sharing i had 16 years and picked up and how gratful i am to have came back.there is always someone who wants to beat you up about it.as if im not doing a good job of doing that myself.He really got me angry i said thank you for your caring and walked away.But now my disease is telling me things i dont need to hear.He is right i am an ass for going back out but i already know that.I am going to a meeting to get rid of this resentment.thanks i needed to dump this.
(((((((Huggys))))))))), your right "there is always going to be someone" who will pick on you. When I went back I had this large chip on my shoulder and dared any one to knock it off. People pretty much stayed clear of me and even after two years I don't get many people coming up to me and it's sad. I did't want to be humble for I thought that ment people will step on me. You did good by letting it go and telling the guy "thanks for caring about me". Your in a much better space than I was when I went back. I no long have the chip on my shoulder,but I don't have many AA friends either. I'v learned a lot in the two years sence I'v been back and I wish I was more like you when I came back in. Thanks for sharing.
Seems to me anyone who would take this attitude to a person returning after a relapse is really insecure about their own Recovery. Its hard enough for us to even come back to the rooms much less have to put up with insensitive people. You know what the Big Book says on page 64 paragraph 4, third edition, about Resentment.
As a Chronic Relapser, By the Grace of God as I understand him and the support of A.A. I have managed to accumulate 10 years this past Feb 7, Jean you know what you have to do and I firmly believe you will do it. I have no advice because I never give advice. But I do have a lot of Love and Understanding and I send it to you freely and unconditionally.
Love and Peace, "Bobby Dean"!
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"Happiness is, When What you Think, What you say, and What you do is in Harmony."
"Mohatma Gandhi"
Good to see you here this Morning, I think I told you in Private Message, that I was a Chronic Relapser, for 10 years, I would go back to this certain Meeting for newcomers, and in the beginning, I would show up there, raise my hand, as someone in their first 30 days, about 6 or 7 times ever year.
I am guessing that some people identified me as "sicker than others" and showed a lot of compassion, mostly woman, but there were those "looks", and there was this one guy, that would always direct his share, to me, visually, and it was all he would say, in his share, "You don't Drink - IF YOUR ASS FALLS OFF". he would almost Yell it at me.
I became so familiar with being humiliated at home, and going back to these meetings, it started becoming part of who I was, it was actually part of 'who I was" anyway, just a worthless person, and now, a worthless drunk. Self-esteem, had been flushed down that proverbial toilet long ago at that point.
But I told you also, at the end of my drinking, that included drinking a quart of 80% brandy every day, 24/7, and in PM I had told you where that Grip of Alcoholism had taking me, no longer was there an option to go back to AA, I thought I was pretty much finished.
With this 'end of the line' experience, I was now living in a different State. But this very ironic thing happened when I began sitting in the rooms of AA, after looking straight at that end of the line, I thought.
"That man, that a-- h----, that was always yelling at me, his words were the words that I recalled like music in my ears, 'If my ass falls off, I don't drink" became my own personal silent montra. I was scared to death of picking up a drink, and sitting in those rooms in silence, other than identifying myself, I had nothing to say, for almost a year.
And the way others felt about me, in my very sick condition, was the LAST thing on my mind, I could not have cared less about what they thought, I remember that so clearly. I was sitting there, with my own life on the line, (my thinking in my heart) and I did Claim the Chair I sat in everyday, as MINE, that's all I needed to know in my heart, I was a drunk, and if those rooms were for people that had a Desire to Stop Drinking, then the Chair belonged to ME!!
I had been very Blessed with the information that it was my Higher Power, that was behind my going there in the first place, my own new personal relationship with this Mysterious God, was what I focused on, nothing more.
The saying in this Program, is that we will have no HUMAN defense against that first drink, and I knew that one like the back of my own hand. It was the new relationship that I focused on, I was going to make it, possibly, IF my focus could remain on this new Relationship, my own Higher Power, that I choose to call God.
I had a copy of that little black book, the 24 Hour a day book, that had a thought, meditation and Prayer, for each day of the year. It was my new Bible, I put all my energy into reading that many times a day, Praying to this new Higher Power, that He would help me not pick up a drink, and make it back to another meeting, the next day.
I was living in the State of Washington, where they was a LOT of California Bashing going on, (my home State) so I was pretty familiar with the ignorance that went along with that discrimination. To not accept someone from another State, when my home State, California, was known for accepting people of all colors races, and creeds, I was fortunate to have been raised in the Metropolitan area of San Francisco, a vitual melting pot of every race, color, and religious backgrounds, and we all lived together in complete harmony, so when I was confronted with this bias, I just considered the source. And had acclamated to it. So when I began my real Recovery in this foreign State to me, I almost anticipated this attitudinal stuff in the meetings, and I simple ignored it. IT DID NOT MATTER, MY BUTT IN THE CHAIR MATTERED!
That was 16 years, 9 months ago, i did come home to California at 1 year of Recovery, and with my 1 year behind me, did not run into any "nay sayers" anymore.
Don't know why I made this such a long Response to you, all I am trying to really say here, it's only about You, and that 1st Step, and to that guy that chooses to be unpleasant to you, you might try seeing him with some compassion, poor guy has not "walked in Your shoes"
Judging others in any AA meeting is a very dangerous area, try really hard to never have a critical judgement of any one in AA. We are there for only one reason, to love and Support each other, in NOT picking up a drink today, PERIOD.
Justin, one of the members here said his very favorite saying, pearls of wisdom, is "Look for the similarities.......not the differences". And to that I would add, Look for the similarities.............Ignore the differences.
I would guess in 6 month to a year, you will not even remember his face, so why give him this much power, to create a resentment in you, you know we cannot afford resentments....they are our number one enemy.
I have applied the Prayer of Praying for someone that I have a resentment toward, the Prayer includes, Praying that this person, can have FIRST, everything and anything that would bring you happiness, asking God to let him have these things first, before you, and Pray this for two weeks, I don't have to even really mean it, at first, but just keep doing this Prayer for a two week period.
I have applied that Prayer, about 50 times, over the years in my Recovery, and Jean, way before the two weeks are up, the Resentment has evaporated. I even lose track of why I was doing the Prayer in the first place.
Your are doing GREAT, you are back in the Rooms of AA, and have a Loving God in your life today, leading you through this new beginning. That's all that counts to my way of thinking, or feeling in my heart.
I have this little saying "A judgment of another is creating a Prison for myself" This thought REALLY encourages me to not make that mistake, and when I do, well there I am in my own "Self-Created Prison" and have to work a lot of overtime to get out of my own self created prison.
Hope you have not fallen asleep with this lengthy, Response, oh, well, it you have, you can wake up NOW. tehe.
Hi Jean. You aren't an ass for going back out. Your disease manifested itself, as it tends to do if we don't keep it arrested. I found that my sobriety was much stronger after going back out and doing that extra research (altho I do NOT recommend it). It also gave me a better insight into why others would do it, which I couldn't understand until I gave it a good round myself. You're taking the right steps. Remember, too, this is one person in several that has some inner conflict. Most people are just glad you came back. Give this person to your HP to deal with. I'm just glad you're here sharing. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
i have an older brother who is STILL drinking, like a whale, and here i am in recovery and HE is gonna put ME down?????
i too, think that he does that cuz he doesn't want to look at himself.......sure, i have had a couple of relapses in this 28 months, but ya know what???? i get up.....start my day AGAIN....work my program and KEEP workin it, and forgive myself.........i am human, and i am imperfect....i have the DESIRE to be sober...the DESIRE to work the program the best way i know how.....the DESIRE to take care of me......that is all that is required to be in AA......the folks who put me down??? i am learning to say to myself "what others think is NOT my problem"......it helps.......
i can also identify with zoomie with the chip on shoulder....my brother would call ME the f***ed up on as he views his world through the bottom of a beer bottle and keeps making bad karma, i looked down on him......here i was IN RECOVERY.....and so i felt like i was "better than him"
now?? i just see his as this small, toxic, IN DENIAL, little man, and i don't feel supiour to him, just i feel sorry for him..........pity cuz hes older than i and there is little chance that he will find himself like i am finding me and i feel sorry for him......he still hates me and puts me down and i just ask HP to "teach him love and compassion" cuz even tho i don't LIKE the guy at all, i can feel some compassion for him cuz he grew up in our horrible family too, and hes drinking at LEAST a SIX per night......hes buzzing EVERY night w/out fail.....and on weekends, drunk as a skunk.......so yeah, i looked down on him for a while, but life has a way of humbling me, and now??? i just STAY AWAY from him and his hate for me, and ask HP to "reveal the truth" to him as i WALK AWAY.......
i am not perfect and i am becomming more accepting of that and of the imperfection in OTHERS.....if someone gets in my face, i am not HALF as retalitory and mean as i used to be.....oh i set boundaries, but i can "get over it" and "consider the source" a whole lot better.........
at least WE are in recovery , TRYIN to stay sober/straight......i ask hp to make ALL the others who are NOT in recovery COME and get a better life in AA and/ or anyother 12step program , peace , rosie
Some people really don't express themselves well. Doesn't always mean they're being hurtful. I always try to remember times when I put my foot in my mouth and also I try to remember that they're the ones that have to live with themselves. Being someone who has put my foot in my mouth enough times to be a little gunshy, I know it feels kinda crappy to have said something hurtful.
On the upside- every time I've ever gone back to the person and said "Hey- I shouldn't have said that" or "I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did" the person has always laughed and said "I didn't really think much of it." People are cool that way.
