i am lying in bed last night, getting ready for sleep, and it hit me!! here i am goin on 60 this month and i **feel** like i MISSED out on life.....the abuse-- the resultant addictions/ codependency disease, u know, the aftershocks of the trauma, and NOW, i get my sick rear end into recovery...
and i am thinking "WHAT can i do with me now??" oh yeah, i can feel better about myself, i can perhaps establish SOME sort of relationship with a higher power, and yeah, i am glad, but my LIFE!!!
i was really feeling the losses.....lost love, lost opportunities, lost security of any kind.....60 years old and worrying about my job?? all my female relatives are either retired or retiring....i cannot...not till i am at least 70, IF my body holds up....and i am thinking "yeah, its great to have hp, but hp cannot hold me when i cry alone.......hp cannot go swimming with me....hp cannot TOUCH me"
i did the usual gratitude for what i DO have/ DID accomplish, however, i FELT the grief come up again last night.........wondering WHY do i go through this painful recovery work at this age, when i **feel** like it is too late for me to have any kind of life other than me and a hp .....i am in SKIN, and i am having "in skin-in body" FEELINGS......... this 12steps work has been very painful for me, going through EACH trauma and having to deal with it, and life just creeps on, and at best i am detaching from the "not wanted" circumstances that happen.....LOTS of detachment lately....LOTS of "giving over" lately, cuz ALL my needs/ wants, as a human being, are NOT doable under power..........so LOTS of step one.......i feel like my whole life lately has been one big DETACHMENT......
anway, i am still working the steps/ meets, etc, but for some reason, the realization that # 60 is comming up and there is NO end to this tunnel in site...like just work and pain work, trying to survive.........wondering WHAT do i have to look forward to but more hardship, making it alone in this life, separated from my family, can't afford to move closer to them...and i know that i have to look to me, and i am doing that, but i am sad today, i guess it "gets old" with just "me-hp"
so my approach is to try and just put one foot in front of the other, AND work the steps, meets, and FEEL my feelings......i **feel** like i lost my whole life, and got into recovery just too damned late for any opportunites to come my way....when i was f***ed up, opportunities came, i was too sick.....NOW , i am beginning to recover and NO opportunities come.....its like i came here and whoever did the planning for humans FORGOT my plan....
sorry, i am just grieving over 60 years gone by comming up jun 26th and i am looking at all the things i missed out on......its sad, even tho i am grateful for some stuff...boy the losses sure outweigh the gains in this ledger sheet...and i am thinking, "ok, just one decent break........." and whats even sadder, i TRY to calm me down, stop the chatter in my mind and i cannot get quiet enough to listen if there IS anything my hp is trying to direct me....its like doors, bad ones, are closing behind me, and the new doors that are supposed to open are NOT...so here i am in the hallway, with nothing but my grief, wondering WHAT if anything is hp doing with my life????
i just have to own and embrace my feelings of tremendous loss and grief right now, take care of me, i am taking hoodia to stop my compulsive eating so i can get into shape, do SOMETHING to make me feel better, so when #60 arrives, i won't alone/ poor AND 15# over my desired weight.....it seems to be working...and i am excercising more, and just tryin to take care of me....but there are times i feel like i am going to just "dry up and blow away".........i know!! work and REwork the steps........but i gotta be honest...sometimes i just feel like saying "screw it" ........ one good thing, i sure aint stuffing my feelings!!! i feel like s*** and i am NOT denying it!!!!!
i need some hugs-----some one to tell me that they "know how i feel" ------ thanks, rosie
Well it sounds to me like you are in the middle of doing some hard Grieving.
and when that hits, (for me, anyway) I cannot see anything in front of me.
Grief is tough, Phil made a Post on the Grief Cycle, a few months ago, and I think if you use the seach button, and put in Grief, it will come up.
Sounds like this birthday coming up, is triggering a lot of stuff, you would rather not be dealing with. But a great great therapist once told me, no matter what, stay with the feeling you are feeling, there is a Guarantee that they will turn into a different feeling.
Sobriety has so much joy, in it today, when I stay out of the Regrets areas of my life. The simple Gratitude to God, for the privledge of being alive. No conditions.
The Steps of this Program has changed me, and they can change you, Rosie.
The Past is Dead and Gone, we only have today, I personally don't think it is an age thing. And we do not have tomorrow, either.
There is a book entitled The Power of Now, and the one thing I did get and keep with me, is to not take visits to my old pain center. And if something triggers the Pain, acknowledge it, honor it, and move through it. Do not Linger. is the message in that book. And for me, a very Powerful tool.
My past has no Power over me today, and for that I am truly Grateful.
So I hope you can honor the Grief, and begin to see that glass is Half Full.
We all love you Rosie, and it hurts to see you in so much Pain.
I can remember telling my Higher Power, a long time ago, "You know you are not the Best Company" What a big mistake that was, because my Higher power lives inside of me as well, and without that sense of Faith, that he is with me, always, I would be drunk or dead.
Hope you can move through this with God's Speed, take good care of Rosie.
Hey Rosie, y'know, I do that in a cyclic way. Once in awhile something will trigger me, and I'll start thinking about the pre-drinking days, and all the years I lost behind drugs and booze, and here I am at 55, too tired and old to be doing the ripping and running I used to do, can't even wear gauze blouses anymore, and I have to stop and realize I'm doing what I'm always yammering to others about--I'm not living my moment. Yeah, somethings have to be worked thru, so that you can move past and on, for sure. I used to think, gods, I have so much sh**, I'll never work thru it all. And I was right. Got thru the biggest stuff, then found myself having to deal with the little crop ups. I'll think, wow, I didn't go to see David's art show in 6th grade (he's now 36), things like that, and I'll cry for things lost. Then, I just have to remember things gained, Rosie. So, I make that call and talk to David, something that I couldnt have done had I kept on keepin' on. I make a note or two (since night time seems to be when this often happens) to do something the next day to compensate for what I'm remembering from the past. We just have to move thru the tears and pain, allow ourselves to hurt, but always remember to move on. Life's out there. Sixteen or sixty, Sweetie, Life's out there with all its waiting experiences, new friends, old friends, new pleasures to find. Feel me hug you, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
I havent been through the life you had as a child Rosie, but I certainly can relate to the part about regrets of time wasted. My children are grown and living from 500 to 1500 miles away, and I can never have another chance to make up for the things I could have done better as a father.
I am greatful for this program which reminds me that I shouldn't dwell on the past, but just try to be as good a person to them as I can, at the rare times when I get the opportunity.
I also try to remember to live in the here and now, another thing that this program teaches me.
I pray that you find peace beyond this turbulent time you are going through.
I can relate to feelings of a warm, stinky nature!
Going through that right now. Doing the fourth step, reliving the pain.
Just have to keep telling me there is a purpose. I'm not meant to live here on this earth miserable and all alone. The thing is since I got sober I now have a new family. Those around me at the meetings and on this board that can love me when I can't love myself.
I tell you one thing though. When I do check out, I want it to be of natural causes and I want to be sober. Too much life left to live. Great things are yet to come, if I let them.
Hope this helps.
Big Hugggggggggggggsssssssss from one recovering alky to another.
I know how you feel; I often feel that i wasted the prime of my life and now I'm like the old duffers in that British comedy "Waiting for God" Except I'm going to have to work till I die or my body breaks down. After I got into recovery 10 years ago I followed the sugguestions, did the work, got the promises, the women and the house in the suburbs thats supose to be the American dream. Then it went down the Doo Doo hole and to this day I don't know why. The woman's gone, I'm stuck with the house that I can barely afford to keep but can't afford to lose cause it's the best and only investment that I have. Somedays I ask God why did you give me everything just to snatch it away. My abandment and trust issues that I worked so hard over have resurfaced tenfold and I feel like I'm inexile 100 mile from home (SF bay area) but I can't return there as there's no work and the housing is way higher then where I'm at (Sacramento) So I just trudge through each day and remember what Shakespear said "Better to loved and to have lost then to never to have loved at all.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 23:07, 2006-06-05
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
