I was sitting in a meeting, yesterday, listening, or trying to listen to a young woman, that was in my mind really struggling with where she was at, was talking a lot about how staying sober, was difficult for her, as she and her husband did a lot of traveling.
And the travel was of the leisure kind, trip to Cabo San Lucas, a very exclusive resort, in Mexico, and how they traveled for fun to so many exotic places around the world. Obviously, they were a very financially wealthy couple.
Obviously this young, very attractive woman, had some affinity for showing off her body, she had a skirt that was, well just below her panty lines, and all the men were giving her a lot of looking attention. She kept fluffing her really beautiful blond hair, and kept talking about her difficulties.
Well in the middle of trying to listen, pretty intensely to what she was saying and TRYING to say, a woman, (a dear friend of mine, with 30 years of Recovery) gave me a little jab in the side, and when she had my attention, she said " don't waste you time listening, she's a Quart Low", and smiled at me.
Then I had a Big Problem, I have a Number one resentment in this Program, and really try to avoid this kind of situation. I do not care if someone has 30 years or 50 years in this AA Program, we never reach a level of time in our recovery, where making a Judgement of another is acceptable. It really pissed me off.
So I had lunch with her afterwards, and there was another person, a young man that we both like a lot that had joined us for lunch.
Felt so frustrated, in my heart I just wanted to make a smart ass remark to this woman, like, tell me,------------, at what point in your own recovery, did you Graduate, and become entitled to your Judgements of Others?????????? That was what was in head, but obviously would never have the guts to say this to my friend.
Solution, move away from anyone at anytime that sits in Judgement of another. Detach from this relationship, or friendship, Why? Cause it is CONTAGIOUS!!!!!!!
I have room in my life for friends in this Program, and I want to keep that, that way, it helps me in keeping my own Recovery First, I need non-judgemental support from others, I know that in my heart.
But have to choose those friendships carefully, Must draws those lines of Discrimination, with dissapearing ink.
Was thinking of that struggling, beautiful, and rich, young woman, and if the others in the room was feeling any of that same judgemental stuff, I can guarantee you, she was feeling it.
PLEASE DEAR GOD, DO NOT EVER LET ME BECOME AN A.A. OLDTIMER, MAKING PREDICTIONS OF OTHERS, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
Just had to VENT this out this morning, and move on, I am powerless over what others do and say, and really want some help with this from anyone listening.
Do I end this friendship, (out of my own Judgment really) or do I ignore it and just keep doing my own Program. "Don't throw the Baby out with the Bathwater", comes to mind.
I think you can tactfully let your friend know that it bothered you when she critisized the girl. It was probably just something that flew out of her mouth and she might have regretted saying it after. I say give her a chance to make an amends. If she does not agree, then you have been honest with her about your feelings and you can back away from the friendship without any confusion on either of your parts. That will keep your side of the street clean.
Do I end this friendship, (out of my own Judgment really) or do I ignore it and just keep doing my own Program.
That was such an honest statement...because while reading all this I thought to myself, "Well Toni, you are doing the very thing you hate-Judging." This Woman friend of yours is just like you, me, and everyone else in the Fellowship of AA-sick, with a incurable disease of Mind, Body, and Spirit. She's no better or worse than you, I, or the fluffy blonde woman. Keep working your Program....Let go and Let God.
A saying come to mind that there is a little bit of good in the worst of us and a little bit of bad in the best of us. We all have our moments of being catty. I would not dwell on it much and just remember you did not say a thing to judge the blond.
Hi All. Just my view... NOBODY in AA is in the position to judge ANYONE. People are here for help and not personal comments that are not constructive. Tony, your friend may have to accept a quiet word in her ear but don't kill the friendship yet, see how it works out.
Bye for now
Best wishes
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
I had an experience similar to this with my sponsor when I first started going to meetings. There was a woman in our home group who my sponsor really didn't like and I could tell. She would make comments about her shares and roll her eyes. One night after a meeting I told my sponsor that that particular woman was the first person I sat next to in an AA meeting. She said "Hi and welcome"and made some jokes about her own insanity. Made me laugh. A few days later my sponsor realized what she had been doing.......judging this woman who was there for the same reason and looking for the same solution. She apologized to me for her bad behavior and thanked me for showing her how she was behaving. Now, at this time I had no idea about the steps or amends or anything. I just thought I would try to stick up for the woman because she was a great comfort to me in a very uncomfortable time. Just by being there.
I don't know today if I would be able to talk to a friend in AA about their behavior but I would hope that if I was acting like an ass someone would say something to me. Maybe your friend doesn't even realize that what she said was offensive. We are a sick bunch aren't we? Just my take on it. Thanks for bringing this up and reminding me of that woman. She is not around anymore and I wonder if she is even alive........
You know, that very thing bothers me too. But the thing is I do it myself even when I don't want to. The only thing with me is, that I don't say what I think. It's impossible to keep these kind of thoughts from forming no matter how hard I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. One thing I do believe in is intuition. After being around in the program for a little while I can tell when someone is bs'ing. I have to separate that from my thoughts and actions. Other peoples thinking is really none of my business.
Might be a good idea to let your sponsor know how her words affected you, just so it doesn't happen again. Whether she was right or wrong really doesn't matter. Not worth losing a dear friend over!
What I have decided to do with this, is not do anything, but this was not the first time, so I will just wait for the next time, and simply say, immediately after the comment, quietly say, "that makes me uncomfortable" and leave it at that. she is very sharp, and will get the message quickly. Put in back on her side of the street.
And then I will hope "she won't shoot the messager"
She is an extremely sensitive person to those that suffer with other problems, that are apparent, and very loving with these people, so it is so out of character for her.
I think she probably is unaware of what she is doing, my take. I really like her, and one of the reasons I do, is because I find her so compassionate in other areas.
She is a very gentle soul, I believe, and when the time comes, i will be very sensitive to that fact. Always come from a Loving Place, something that was drilled into me in my home area.
Hugs to all of you, and have a great evening.
Toni
Do I have any old bad habits, gosh I done thunk i do.
