I copied and Pasted this excerpt from "How it Works", Chapter 5, Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the part I LISTENED to everyday, VERY INTENSELY. It is read at the begining of each meeting.
With my Chronic Relapse history, and failure to grasp this Program, for a 10 year period, felt inside my heart, that this was written for people on my particular variety of active drunks. The ones that did not make it. I desperately wanted to know why I had failed so many times, I lost count.
**************** "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." ****************
And the last line in what I HELD onto, "but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest"
I had been incapable of grasping and developng a manner of living which demands rigerous honesty. That was my Big EGO, covering up my own grave emotional and mental disorders ( I refer now to the Diagnosis of PTSD) which was diagnosed at 2 years of being Sober, my ego was driven to run from this illness (the first 18 years of my life, for which I had no real memories).
Because I wanted this new life of Living Sober everyday, never wanted to return to the Blackout Drunk years of my life, I was willing to do anything. Found a Therapist, that Specialized in PTSD, and began the most difficult work of my life, Age Regression work, Hypnosis, for a long 7+ years period.
I can remember being really annoyed, why did I have to do this difficult work, while I saw my friends in the Program, moving forward and gaining momentum in their lives. Did not dwell on this annoyance. This was MY Life, my own Road or Path, and was motivated by the fear that if I did not commit myself to this doing this work, I would return to drinking, just part of doing whatever it takes.
That was the next 7+ years of my life, therapy twice a week, meetings everyday, just one day at a time.
Well the Good News, is that this extremely difficult work, removal of all the trauma memories of my first 18 years of my life, these trauma memories were locked inside my subconsious mind and when removed with Age Regression work/Hypnosis, With very Loving help, was able to face these DEMONS, one by one, and watch them dissapear.
This work was concluded, and I was now a woman that no longer suffered with PTSD, and now had a chance, for the first time in my entire life to live my life freely, without fear. I WAS FREE! No more grave emotional and mental disorders, blocking off my own life force.
This work became the Greatest Gift of my Life, and felt so grateful and Humbled that I was given the opportunity to do this work.
So I look back on my 10 years of Chronic Relapse, and almost 8 years of Intense PTSD work as just my own personal jouney and the path I was on.
I had worked the 12 Steps of Recovery, every year of this time, and continue to work some step, always want a Step Meeting in my meetings that I attend.
I give myself over to these steps so completely, that sometimes I feel them working me.
and today, I can feel more a part of this other excerpt from "How it Works" Chapter 5, Alcoholic Anonymous.
************* Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
*************
So when I talk about meeting being a requirement everyday, in the beginning, I of course am only speaking of my own experience.
Every single person in this Recovery Process, Alcoholics Anonymous, this AA Based Recovery MIP Site. is walking their own Path. "An Inside Job" for sure.
We walk our own Paths, and come together in this Program of Recovery, all the same.
As Phil stated earlier, only a Select Few, make it into these rooms with a desire to stay, we would rather be dead, than return to drinking, my feeling anyway. no arrogance is in that Statement, it is to the contrary, a Humbleness to this Program, that makes us cling to this Life Saving Program.
I will always be a Alcoholic, I will never be cured, someone was mentioning, "those recovered Alcoholics", for me and my prespective on this Cunning, Powerful Disease of Alcoholism, it will always sit in wait, for any and all people that have gained so much, a new life, a new freedom, waiting patiently for us to "just slip up in our thinking"
Someone wrote that a truly Grateful Alcoholic can feel safe in that Gratitude, and Grateful I am. Humble and Grateful everyday, for this new life, that I never dreamed would be possible for me, and I own this to the help I am given daily,with my Higher Power, I choose to call God. And to this Spiritual Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
