I don't know what the F is wrong with me. I just can't stay sober to save my life!!! Maybe that's the problem......I haven't been in enough pain yet. Haven't lost enough. The thing is, I don't want to lose everything!!!! Are there actually people who make it in this program who haven't lost all? Can it happen for me? Sometimes I think "I don't want to be an alcoholic" WTF is that? I can't change who or what I am but I have to tell you life would be much simpler if I weren't. If I didn't have to defend myself in sobriety as well as when I was drinking......I am SO frustrated right now. Angry.....Fearful........Depressed......I don't know how to deal with life. I hear what everyone says in AA but I can't seem to apply it to me. Am I not willing enough? Have I not gone through enough pain? I don't know. Thanks for letting me vent...............
Hi Jen....it's called INSANITY! Just keep coming back...seriously...you aren't alone! So many of us started out the same damned way...we didn't get it...but everyday you come back you are one day closer to getting it!
Thank you Dana. I gotta keep trying. I just feel so lost right now.... I am sitting here talking to myself.........my husband is going to be sooooooo pissed when he gets home. But I feel like he has driven me to this. That is not true I know, but he's mad when I'm trying to stay sober so why not just drink and let him be mad at that. At least that I can understand why he is mad then........
Can you get to a Meeting tonight? Do you have numbers to call? If you feel like drinking, put it off for a bit longer...wait 30 mins and then see how ya feel. I know how ruff it is Jen...especially when we don't have the support or understanding (or both) from our spouses. But the truth is that no one else can make us drink...no one else can make us not drink...only we can do either of those things.
Dana is right on, Jennifer. You read what I wrote. In and out and in and out. I just wouldn't wish that on anyone, to do the dance I had to do.
Toni stresses over and again, Recovery comes first. Not children, not husbands, not parents, not jobs. Without the sobriety, you can guarantee loosing those children, husbands, parents and jobs, and whatever else you hold dear. Pick up the phone, get to a meeting. I know, picking up a drink seems so very easy, Jennifer, but before that very last second, play out the tape. If you pick up that drink, the fights begin, the trust crumbles, your self esteem goes to the potty. It's inevitable. And at the very end of that same old story, you still will need to sober up again. It just isn't worth it, is it? You can call me, I'll pm you my number. Call, I'll see the caller ID, and I'll call you back, I've got flat rate.Call your sponsor. Hit a meeting, any meeting. If there isn't one going on, park your car in the parking lot and sit there with a book til it does. I've had to do that many a time. Because the Catholic church is open during the day, and many others aren't, I've gone and sat in the church before, waiting for a meeting. Just to sit, and feel the peace.
You hang in there, Sweetheart, and maybe stay on the board until a meeting starts, or call and get someone to come get you and talk. Your husband may not like it, but I reiterate---your Sobriety comes first. A big hug, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
I definately did not want to be an alcoholic when I came into the program. I also could not see how my life was unmanageable - that came in time and working the steps. I heard someone say at a meeting that alcoholism is like an elevator - it is going down, no matter what, you cannot stop it, you can either get off now or at the very bottom (often six feet under). That stuck with me. It will never get better. Sure, I have some "yets" but I really do not want to do those things - EVER. Being in the program and being a sober alcoholic has turned out to be great. Being a sober alcoholic is much better than being a drinking alcoholic.
Can you try reading this quote every day for a while - maybe a week or a month. Let it really sink in. Honestly, it is great to be sober. If you don't drink, it will get better for you.
"Acceptance
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation - some fact of life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no sanity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober. Unless I accept life completly on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
Feeling for you tonight, Oh, I just wish you could see into my momories. Husband yelling, why? Screaming at me, ultimatums, quit or I leave. What would I do, get so down, I would drink. Did that so many times, he would feel bad for the yelling, make, a new commitment to go to meetings, would go the meetings, not understand anything that anyone was saying, and then those that looked so happy, those were the worst times. I use to think, really, that Alcoholics Anonymous was a bunch of people that were just saying they were sober, could not understand, how any Alcholic could escape the COMPULSION TO DRINK, when the Compulsion Hit, I knew I could not. Really tried to listen and take in what was being said after a while, but I would sit there with this Raging Compulsion to drink, and really would sit on my hand sometimes.
I believe that as Richard Burton said once, (he died of Alcoholism), and was really in battle for his life with Cancer at the same time. He said, Cancer is Absolutely NOTHING compared to the Power of Alcoholism. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (not life threatening) but did have to undergo Bileratal Mastectomy and Reconstruction, and I could really relate to his words, they were the TRUTH.
Lets compare the two, o.k. Cancer, can invade the body, undetected, and begin a life of its own, and if left undetected in time, will ravage the body and take the life of the Cancer patient, sometimes if detected early, the person will under go treatments, that are so horrible, and make them so sick, and sometimes these great, great efforts of these brave people, can survive, but it is always up for grabs, if the cancer will return, any many times it will turnaround, and grow faster than ever, taking the life of the Patient that had just been given a new sense of hope. Tragic, yes, and we all know people that have stuggled and survived and people that have stuggled with this Disease of Cancer, and Lost the Battle. What these people do not lose is the love of their family and friends, and even though not always, but some have the good fortune to have incredible support and love until the end of their lives. And another they get to keep with them, in spite of this Disease, is their own personal dignity, and self respect, all the way to the end.
Now, lets, look at Alcoholism, Cunning, Baffling and Powerful, when the Disease hits, and comes with a non-disputable Progression, (very similar to my mind as does Cancer), and if left untreated, that will ultimately take the life of the Alcoholic. The treatment for Alcoholism, and the Other, the obsession and compulsion to drink, that to us, is now a Physical Alergy, and a Compulsion of the mind, the war has begun. Complusion vs. Recovery. Which one will win.
The Treatment of Alcoholism, the Meetings, getting a Sponsor, that can lead us thru the unchartered waters of the 12 Steps, that have walk before in our shoes, and know all about the initial fears, of the meetings, and of the Steps, and are there to offer their hand in the darkness we feel. One day at a time, one Step slowly, in our own time, and the Suggestion that we embrace ONLY the first Step, and get that one Down 100% that we are: POWERLESS over Alcohol - that our lives have become UNMANAGABLE.
If Treatment is Not Successful, then the Alcoholic will return, or Rather The Compulsion to DRINK will take over again, leading to the guaranteed Progression of this Disease, and we are no longer have any decision making capabilities, we lost them, in the first DRINK, that we had, or the Disease has talked us into.
And when the Progression begins to really take hold, we no longer have any ability to even consider Sobriety,(my opinion only, here) the Disease is Raging inside us, just like cancer cells rage in a body. What we lose in our battle with this Untreated form of Alcoholism, we watch it take everything, old friends, loving Partners, our children, are taken away all the time, And with comes the LOSS of our personal Dignity, and self respect with this Disease Jen, have seen young mothers in Recovery, by the hundreds struggled to get sober, so that they become a Sober Parents for their children, and I have also seen woman, that are so heartbreaking, because when they lose their small children, they are so lost and scared, the drink is the only comfort they can find, and they never get sober, long enough to fight for their return.
Grim statistics to this very Grim Disease. And the treatment is really pretty simple, if we can grasp the fact that we can no longer Pick up THAT FIRST DRINK.
I am one that did not make it the beginning, it took 10 years of my life, watching my husband finally give up on me. My two children were in High School, and choose to live with their father, then decided they wanted to live in both households, one week at a time. They only lived one block from me and my new Husband, and that did work for a while. Then my husband and I moved up to Seattle, for his Career, I left a Job at USCF, that I loved, and when we moved, I had no idea what was ahead of me, Dark grey Skys, and had to wait 6 months for a Good Job, as a result of another Surgery, I had to go thru. Missing my Children, 17 and 18, not knowing a soul, and not working, my Disease took over and the Fast Decent of the Disease was in my life. My poor husband just gave up on my, he had stayed thru all of this Back and Fourth to Meetings, 1 month, 3 month, 6 months, back to 2 days, he left for good. And then it was just me and the Compulsion to drink 24/7, drank a quart of 80 proof Brandy everyday, started in morning, passed out once or twice, and would wake and drink and pass out for the night. Some life, eh? The Disease had won, was getting really close to taking my life. Tried taking my own life, yet another failure, occurred, and was down on my hands and knees in a dirty old bathrobe, searching for some broken glass out on deck of my house, to use, to take my own life, did not want to live anymore, and in this wrected condition, I could not find the glass to take my life and something inside me felt I just gave UP, looked to this Dark Grey sky, and asked "God, will YOU show me a different way?"
Jen, that was 16 years, and 9 months ago, and I can tell you honestly I have never had the Compulsion to Drink, since I asked that simple question to a mysterious God, that I had felt had abandoned me, was the other way around, I had abandoned God.
I began going to an Alcohol Couselor, and going to one meeting every day, fearing most of the time, with my history, that I would drink again.
This woman that was acting as a Temporary Sponsor to me, told me, when I talked about my fears, she simple stated, IF YOU CAN KEEP SOBRIETY IN FRONT OF EVERYTHING, YOU CAN KEEP IT.
AND, IF YOU PUT ANYTHING IN FRONT OF IT, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP IT.
This Woman, with these words, that I was able to hear, Turned all the Lights on, the Formula, was there in those words. Who knows how many people had said it before in those ten years of AAs swinging door, but I finally heard Them.
It simply took what it took for me to want to find a way out of this Disease, and I was NOW Willing to do anything. Sat in those meetings for almost a years, everyday, just listening, very, very seldom did I say a word, other that "My name is Toni, and I am an Alcoholic". At the end of that first year Jen, I did truly believe that I now had a Loving God helping me to stay sober 23 hours a day, until the next meeting.
Jen that was my Path, and you are on your own Path, many of us would like to reach out and grab you and save from this Oh So Treacherous Disease, but we do have the Information clear, that we are POWERLESS To do this, that is where the statement, "Its an Inside Job" make real sense.
Just as we are Powerless to save anyone for the Disease of Cancer, we do understand that those decisions have to come from inside you.
One thing that does come to mind, that I want to share with you, is That I have never met One Alcoholic that said he very Humbly asked God to help him, and that that Help did not come.
God Bless you in these difficult days, and I am Praying for you and your Family that your Treatment will begin, and be successful. Just Ask Him Jen, it really works.
Hang in there Jen. And keep coming back. I would definitely try to schedule in as many meetings as possible. I've heard of people practically living in alano clubs they're there so much. You gotta do what ya gotta do. There are still a lot of yets waiting out there for all of us. I'll say a prayer for you.
YOU______________Angry.....Fearful........Depressed......I don't know how to deal with life. I hear what everyone says in AA but I can't seem to apply it to me. Am I not willing enough? Have I not gone through enough pain? I don't know. Thanks for letting me vent...............
ME___________sounds like me.........boy until i was REALLY ready to ACCEPT and i say ACCEPT that i was REALLY and i mean REALLY powerless....it didn't work...why??? cuz i had my hands still clenched tightly around the problem....thought will, self will could do it....but i had to TOTALLY release me from it...like literally put my hands UP and say "i give UP" and than i decided to get OUT of the way......do what i can do, i cried, i detached, and i am doing better now......the minute i try to control outcome??? i screw up.......working the steps till i am blue in the face, talking to my co-sponser till i am worn out.....meetings, and finally i am doing better about my crap.....it is in my head....all of it.....so i accept it......admit and accept that my addictions will defeat me UNLESS i release them off me and onto my HP within....thats it.....knowing WHEN to "cast the burden" and than WALK AWAY from it......as i work the program....do the "footwork" its hard, especially for me with my trust issues, but i had no choice....trusting in a hp for me is a decision....i just DO it, whether i believe it or not....i DO it...................i can soooo relate to what u r saying.........friends in recovery, rosie
Hi Jen, Similar sh** for myself at the moment. back to day 2 or is it 3????. Back to step one again.
Working the steps helped me for 16 months then it all went wrong as a result of thinking I didn't need it anymore.
WRONG!
2 weeks sober then a time when I couldn't attend meetings.......
Insanity again.
Do as many meetings as you can now. They are the only thing that keeps me sober at the moment.
Bye for now.
Best wishes.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
I don't know if I am going to get my wrists smacked for saying this or not but, I came here looking for help last september, and eventhough I posted ect, I found the best help on "THE OTHER SIDE" (Al-anon) I found going there and seeing what people like me are capable of doing to families and loved ones the big kick up the ass I obviously needed, I chatted and made friends, and really got to see the 'other' side, Eventhough my mum was an 'A' as they call it, I went there for me, and it really did work.
Just to hear some of the things people, like you and me have put people in their lives through it makes you sick to your stomach.
I don't know about you and your life but I have a wonderful partner and two of the most wonderful daughters in the world, but it made me realise that if I carried on the way I was I really could loose them all in time, And my family and life are worth more than that.
At the moment I am really only toying with the idea of NOT drinking. I am going to my first meeting in over six years tomorrow. Sometimes when I was in AA before I used to wonder if I was actually faking alcoholism, for some reason. I suspect that I"m not, actually. But the fact is that I have not, as you put it, 'lost everything', and that in itself somehow seems like a reason to 'celebrate'. What am I gonna do, keep 'celebrating' until I'm falling asleep in urinals (a-la 'Leaving Las Vegas), or have liver problems, or have lost my job or (worst of all) my 3 y/o daughter's love?
The prob with me and drinking right now is that I am somehow still doing it even though every single bloody day I wake up and think: 'I don't want to drink today'. That feeling tends to wear off as the day wears on, and all manner of excuses present themselves. Before I know it (I referred to this in my last post about buying booze that I had not - at that stage- drunk) I'm at the bottleshop, thinking: I won't drink, but it is good to have the booze there just in case. Then the next thing: I'll drink, but only a couple. Sometimes (rarely) it IS only a couple. More often, I end up knocking off at least a bottle of wine after my daughter has gone to bed (plus the couple I have while she's still awake and I'm cooking dinner....and when I say 'a couple', we are probably really talking about three at least, since I pour the wine in these massive goblets I've got.
Then the next day I wake up, feeling faintly seedy but not too bad, looking like sh*t (I'm not one of those people who can knock themselves about and not look sick: I actually look rather sick even when I'm really healthy!)
Anyway, off to that 1st meeting in six years tomorrow night. This board has not prevented me from drinking, but it has at least made me think and recognise that there IS a problem. My ex husband thinks all alcoholics, especially those who quit via AA, are egotistical. He mimics the whole AA discourse in a really nasty way: 'Oh, I'm an alcoholic, I have a DISEASE, I'm so important and sensitive and special....'. (Yeah, thanks for the support, Joshua).
I too have wondered if I'm going to have to lose everything before I can stop. Recently I had to have a lot of blood tests, including liver function, which all turned out to be fine. And of course my reaction to this good news was to go out and get absolutely F-ed on booze and pills.
I am hoping merely that tomorrow I will somehow find the resolve to NOT drink. And that I will get to that meeting. I really need the meeting.
By the way, for people who are reading this, I hope 'Sycorax' does not tick people off by posting even though she has, as of yet, only had max two days sober since she has decided that drinking really is a problem. I just want tolerance. And I really do want help. I just seem to be incapable of helping myself: some sort of weird 'doublethink' kicks in: on the one hand, I know I've gotta build a sober life for both me and my daughter. On the other, I con myself all the time that I don't have a real problem. These two points of view somehow manage to co-exist in my head, even though they totally contradict eachother!
Anyway.
Can relate. Hope you are sticking with it, hope it gets better. A lot of recovered people becme quite ecstatic, but that is not always the case. Some recovered people (I know of this, since I've done AA before) are not ecstatic or ultra-positive or freed from all their old problems, but rather quietly happy simply to lead lead a manageable, more constructive life, and deal with all of life's ups and downs in a relatively 'normal' way. As opposed to the chaos and destruction of addiction, which never goes anywhere, at least not on the level of personal experience. Eg: Van Gogh - wonderful artist, universally admired - AFTER he died. He actually had a pretty miserable life, involving alcoholism, that really one simply would not want to go through. I guess what I mean is that I'd rather have some happiness and normality than chaos and addiction and 'genius'.
By the way, I don't think I am a genius in any way. it's merely that the stereotype of drugs/boooze/creativity has affected me a bit in the past because I have writing ambitions.
Thanks to all of you who replied to my post. I drank that night. My husband kicked me out of the house. I went to a fellow AAs house and slept then came back in the morning. My husband had called a realtor to put the house up for sale. The bills were all figured out. I would have to sell my car and look for an apartment. My husband had it all figured out. He is done. I pretty much begged for one more chance to make things right. To stay sober and stop being such a selfish brat. He must be a saint because he said ok. ONE MORE CHANCE! I cannot screw this up. I have a wonderful life that I can throw away for one more bottle of booze. I am completely insane when it comes to alcohol. I was sitting in my basement before I begged for another chance and I was thinking "How can I kill myself? What kind of pills do we have around here that would do me in? And then I said GOD Please just strike me dead right here because I can't handle this. Well, He didn't so then I said OK HELP. PLEASE HELP.
I am going to hang on for dear life. I don't want to lose all. I don't want to live like this. To put my husband and daughter through this. To put myself through this. GOD Help me.
Thanks for everyone's support. I feel like such a s**t.
Now to get on my knees and pray and off to work.......at least I hope I still have a job today.........
