At lunch with Aunt yesterday she asked me if I wanted a sherry and like a robot I said yes. Had no more for hours. Then had abut four glasses of wine in quick succession while on phone to my ex, started to feel rather sick, terminated conversation and went to bed (daughter was already asleep).
So, no drink today (so far) and thankfully no hangover from yesterday (5 drinks is nothing for me, especially spread out over course of day) but still no good. I just keep blowing it. If anyone offers, I say 'yes': if I have to talk to my ex, I just HAVE to have a drink. I have managed a couple of 'conversations' with ex sober recently, but that is only because I have stopped keeping alcohol in my own house (I was at parents' last night and drinking their wine....they've always got drink there, my dad is pretty hardcore alcoholic and my mother is certainly a heavy drinker too, although she abstains when she looks after my daughter).
I want to ask the people on this board to do me a BIG favour: even if I keep relapsing, is it still okay for me to post? I don't want to disorientate or contribute to the screwing up of anyone else's sobriety by posting as a person who keeps relapsing. I will never post again while not sober, because I think that is just disrespectful. But It is a big comfort to me, at this stage, to be able to come here anjd post about the struggles I've been having with the booze and not be judged.
One reason, actually, why I dropped out of AA before, aside from the other reasons I have already mentioned in previus posts, was because I kept relapsing, and then showing up at meetings anyway, and after a while I think it began to really get on people's nerves. Most of them were at least 1 year sober, full of positivity, and there was me with my negativity and constant relapsing. I even used to feel annoyed with them for being preachy... I always sober at actual meetings, except for the first one I ever went to - that was about three days into a big bender and two AA people, at my request, came over and intervened and took me to a meeting even though I was not is a good way.
Anyway. One ex-boozer and druggie (indeed, this was the guy who 'thirteenth stepped' me all those years ago) said he used to often go to meetings even while he was still drinking,and just pretend that he hadn't been! I never could have done that, would've felt like a total hypocrite. He had good intentions when he went to meetings, I'm sure. That is, he told me that he was trying the whole time to 'stay on the wagon', but just hadn't the strength. I'm not sure if he shared at these meetings and fibbed about not drinking, or just sat and listened. Hopefully the latter! Anyway, after years of going to AA in this fashion - that is, going even though he was still drinking - he actually finally did 'get it' and stop drinking! I wonder if this is a common story.
I have yet to go to an actual meeting myself yet, since I have become aware of how big a problem drinking really is for me. I was deluded because after having my baby, I had a few years of 'moderate' drinking. Then...I'm not sure why, perhaps my addict ex-boyfriend triggered it (I'm not blaming him, just saying he might have triggered off the inevitable) ....but all of a sudden I need to sink a bottle of wine a night, and binge like a pig on Saturday nights when my daughter goes to her dad's. I wasn't like this before! Last year, even, when I was teaching, I could have a couple of glasses, sipped slowly, before bed while reading a book or whatever and leave it at that.
This was one of the happiest times of my life, actually - I had just left my abusive husband (father of my daughter) and finished my degree and I had a good job and everything seemed possible. I looked good, I felt great, I was all ready to....well, wreck everything, it seems. Fell in love with addict, had brief but intense relationship, got dumped by him, mooned around over him like a damn stupid teenager (I am 33)....all in all, everything just went to pieces over the course of a few months.
Anyway. No drink today. Not today, at least.
Thanks so much everyone, you have no idea how much solace I have drawn from this board, and once again, I hope my 'backsliding' does not offend.
Don't worry about posting. "Relapse" is my 2nd name. Bouncing in and out of AA for years. Always felt bad when a member would take me under their wing and then I would go out and drink after a short time. Always felt I was letting people down in AA. I would take on a sponser and start to work the steps with him at his home in once a week sessions and sometimes stop off at the store on the way home from his house to buy drink patting myself on the back for having a great step session. Ha!
You know, it has always been hard for me to know whether or not I really am an alcoholic, or if I'm always somehow getting myself (subconsciously) into trouble for other reasons...
I say this because at various times in my life it has been possible for me to drink like a 'normal' person. But then I have those other periods...and when I reflect honestly upon things, it seems that most of the crappy stuff that has happened to me, and most of the bad decisions I've made, have been connected, directly or indirectly, with alcohol and drug use. Eg: when I moved in with with my ex-husband (well, strictly speaking, ex-de facto husband....we were never officially married) it was in a sort of 'what the hell, I'm not really in love with him but I've got to do SOMETHING because I'm falling to pieces on my own...'.
For a while this strategy worked....I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown (I mean really , I was semi-psychotic: I believed my PhD thesis was 'evil' and a crime against humanity and God....I was, in short, depressed almost to the point of being certifiable) and my ex helped me through. With his encouragement I dropped my PHD for a few months and got a horrible office dogsbody job with a corrupt law firm. We fought all the time though....and eventually separated. While we were separated I discovered I was expecting a baby and on the strength of that we got back together. But I was as miserable as hell. He was very upset (wanted me to have an abortion and I didn't want to) and the fights were constant. In the midst of all of this I had to abruptly stop all drugs and booze so my usual coping mechanisms were gone. I spent about four months literally howlig at the poor guy....and he did a fair bit of howling at me. When I was about three months pregnant the law firm sacked (fired) me. I'm not sure whether it was because I was pregnant or incompetent....I did the job pretty well, except I was often ten mins or so late in the morning because of the fatigue and nausea you get in 1st trimester.
Also I tripped over in the street one day at lunch and broke my nose! (my ex still does not believe, I think, that this incident was not caused by my having had a lunchtime beer. But he's wrong: I was very good while pregnant: not a drop during 1st trimester, and drank very little in the later stages, and only then when people more or less forced me - eg champagne toasts at weddings etc). No law firm wants a pregnant woman with a broken nose manning the front desk, of course....so I got fired. Full breadwinning dutites descended upon ex's shoulders and he was NOT HAPPY.
By fourth month of pregnancy I was so miserable I had to go on anti-depressants. I became convinced baby would have something wrong with it because of the drink binges I had engaged in before I realised I was pregnant. Fortunately my pregnancy was diagnosed very early (5 weeks) so I was able to clean up my act pronto. But I still worried a lot.
Anyway, I am rambling. The story of my life is not really that relevant. Staying sober for my daughter's sake....that is what haunts me. I feel really terrible about the way I've been acting lately.
I don't take offense to anyone posting who has relapsed. In my opinion that is why we are all here. To help. To listen. To encourage and offer prayers to the alcoholic who still suffers. I believe going to meetings has saved me from relapsing several times. I'm sorry you had a bad AA experience the first time around. I hope you can give it another chance. When I took that first step and admitted that I was an alcoholic, it was sort of freeing for me. To understand the nature of this disease and to know that I did the things I did because I have this disease and not because I am weak, or a bad person, or crazy. Before I could do anything I HAD to admit and fully accept that fact. I am an alcoholic. No way around it. I am saying this because it seems to me that your still not quite sure about that. I hope you find what you need to help you stay sober. For me it is meetings, my sponsor, the steps....all of these are helping me to find my higher power and that is what will keep me sober.
Please keep posting and keep trying. One day at a time............
Please keep posting no matter how many times you relapse. But if you are really serious about getting sober and happy about it, get to real life meetings. I'm new to this board and early in sobriety, and think this board will be a great place to "hang out" sometimes. However, it will not be able to replace the real life fellowship I've found in AA. So PLEASE find an AA near you and go....and keep going. It works if you work it and surprisingly it's really not that hard. I drank for 32 yrs, almost as long as you have been on this earth. If I can do it, you can too. Good luck sweetie.
I am dropping off my daughter at her dad's overnight tomorrow night and I want to go to a meeting then.
Hope I do. Problem: have SO much work to do. Another problem: have told boyfriend (not the junkie guy, he's gone now) that he can some over. He asked so I said yes. Actually I might start a new topic about this....other women might be able to relate....
"The only REQUIREMENT for Membership, is a DESIRE to stop drinking."
When I was read your Post about going back, raising your hand as a Newcomer again, sounded just like me, with 10 years of Relapsing.
Today, in retrospect, I believe those "feelings" of people getting tired of seeing me back there, was just my own Disease talking to me, from the inside, leading me back to even more drinking.
When our own lives have been spared a horrible death from this dreaded Disease, I don't believe we in Alcoholics Anonymous would ever be dumb enough or foolish enough to judge another. I have seen some gossip very seldom, but when I observe that gossip, I think inside, scary to be in such a slippery place as to participate in such foolishness.
As far as the man that 13th stepped you, that made me think of the saying here, "Stick with the woman", just have to remember dear, we don't walk into these rooms because we are "Well".
Someone continuing to return to meetings and claim their are Sober, and use the Program to gain the trust of a Newcomer, well, in my way to thinking, it doesn't get sicker than that. But I have heard those stories of such people hundreds of times. A horse thief, that comes into the Program, and does not Work the Program, is just a Sober Horse thief. The word "Karma" comes to my mind for some reason.
As far as you wondering still inside a little, "am I really an Alcoholic", that is only for you to know, inside". When the Cumcumber has turned into a Pickle, that can never be reversed. I tried for many, many years trying to reverse that. Controlled drinking, would last for a couple of weeks, but just for me the real Danger lay ahead of me, the part of the Progression of the Disease, where we no longer have any choices, the Grip of the Disease had me, for keeps, and I could not, not drink, 24/7. Only a Power Greater than myself could have intervened, and did experience that with a complete surrender at last, I am just one of the many Miracles in this Program of Miracles. That's the reason John, the founder of this wonderful Board, named this Forum, Miracles in Progress.
Spending some time reading the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I believe could help with your questions. Also asking these same questions in a Meeting, would help you too.
I don't believe people that do not have a drinking problem, EVER wonder if they are alcoholics. Why would they?
Just really wanted to say, of course you are welcome here, as well as any Meetings that you go to. The Past is gone, you and I only have today.
Today, I personnally don't take credit for my Recovery, it was a Myterious Higher Power that I turned to when my physical health was showing me my liver was becoming very toxic, and was showing in my appearance, was feeling very, very ill, Did not want to live, and could not seem to die.
That all turned around for me over 16 years ago, and would like so much to say something to you from my heart, to keep you from that fast slide that comes as the Progression takes over, but the words in the Program are "It is an inside Job", and I go back to that first Step, I am powerless over Alcohol, and I am also Powerless over all people places and things.
Praying for God's Speed in your decisions, in your life, and in your Recovery from this Disease, should you decide you are an Alcoholic.
Listened to a Dear friend, in a meeting yesterday, who has 30 years now,she got started at the age of 36, say that she was only one drink away from distroying all that she has gained, in that time, and that is a lot, I don't mean materially, but that is included in her live. The same applies to all of us. As Chris said the other day, we are only a "Nano" second away from returning to that Progression, and it would start with our thinking.
Thank you for Posting this, Rigerous honesty is a very necessary part of Recovery.
Just Keep Commin Back, Bring the body the mind will follow........This disease is cunning, Baffeling, and powerful! The only requrement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
Thank you for sharing. Keep prayinig and don't drink today. I would also not spend ANY time around people who might offer you alcohol (you are pretty safe at a meeting!) and I would not talk to your ex if that is a trigger. Remove all triggers from your life today and go to a meeting. Wake up tomorrow and do the same thing.
Of course you are always welcome at AA. A person who doesn't understand relapse cannot truly understand the concept of this disease. We are one alcoholic helping another, not just one sober alcoholic helping another sober alcoholic.
All the best. Please post again later today. I will be thinking of you.
I understand the slipping thing. A natural thing for an alcoholic. How is your relationship with you HP? If you are having trouble with that I can offer the advice I was given. When I came in, I had trouble believing that an HP would help me. I believed there was one, but just thought it was too big to worry about me. My sponsor told me to start at the very beginning and pray to have faith in an HP. So, I prayed to believe. Kinda strange at first, praying to believe in what you are praying to, but it worked. I now have a (what I think) is beautiful concept of a Higher Power and I beleive that HP will take care of me IF I LET IT. That is a tricky part too, but that is what the steps are for. Belief and faith are not the same thing. Faith can be really hard for me. Essentially, that is what keeps me sober though. I honestly believe that now.
If I can do it, you can too. Good luck sweetie.
