i was reading some posts and i have been noticing lately the PAIN , all OVER the world...like people just being SAD!!!!!
i thought of my Ex and the good we had together, not just the bad....he was a sweet guy, funny as hell, and an alkie who did not want recovery
i was talking to my best and dearest friend tonight on the phone and i THANKED her for being my friend of 30 years...i told her i have had "friends" come into my life and go out of my life and that NOONE could ever be the pal she has been.....i told her that i didn't know whether or not i told her but that i was GRATEFUL for her being in my life, as MY best friend, and through think and thin, we have ALWAYS stuck together....we walked down memory lane together the shit we went through, the funny stuff and teh sad stuff
i told her i was in the blues cuz its almost certain i am losing my job, a job i loved very much, a boss i got real close to, FUN people to be around....i was free to come and go as long as i ddi my work, and i feel that the chances are like 90% that i will be staying goodbye to an institution that i loved....i will never find such a wonderful/ loving/ casual place to work again, and i am grieving over it......
it is 20 miles away from me so of course i probably won't be in that neighborhood anymore and i'll miss the people i went to get my hair cut...the shops i shopped in.......thinking of all the fun it has been being there, laughing with the folks around me, and unless a miracle happens, it is gone....so at 60 i will be starting all over AGAIN
i told my best friend, i just don't know how many times i am gonna want to "get slapped down and get back up---sometimes i just want to lay down and STAY"......
she suggested i call her Ex tenent who is on social security and either she or another older person may be looking for a room to rent.....so i am thinking, "maybe i will just rent out that spare bedroom and maybe i'll find a friend AND financial help"
i told "rox" that she could share with me when she comes to visit....hell i dont' get anyone commin over much, just family and my best friend.....i gave up thinking there is a guy in the horizon, so i am thinking "ok, with job loss almost a certainty, how can i bring some $$$ into my house to help me" and i think the room thing is a good idea......i am super duper careful and i figure a seniour would be safer anyway, i'll just intervew them, check them out, and be careful......IF it is what i am supposed to do.....
i read somewhere that "prayer is not going to get the chicken hawk her chicken" i am going to have to go out and FLY and HUNT and do what i can do, to help me and than leave the rest to the universe, but i know i have to do the work........work my options....
reading ur posts i have been reflecting a lot too...listening to my "library" of music on my computer, remembering when things weren't so damned hard..oh they were, i was just too "under the influence" to give a darn
even tho i was screwed up and drinking and using, it seemed like i laughed more...like i didn't care so much, and i know i was numbing out and not dealing with my stored YEARS of pain...sometimes i am tempted to just say to hell with it and go back to it....at least i didn't have to feel this god awful pain....27 months of recovery and its been sheer hell......
now in recovery, i am in pain, doing this step 4 work, inner child pain work...family of origin work, ALL pain...90% PAIN , and i am hoping that one day i'll have gone through ALL my traumas, felt the feelings, dispensed with them and MAYBE find some joy....
i can say now that i realize that not ALL my memories of the past were bad....i can remember FUN times with my sister, my cousins, my boyfriends who were NICE ones.....and i had lots of good friends to hang out with, ride horses with, fish with, and when we were older, we partied.....had some good times.....it seemed back then i was more "social" more "fun loving" sure, a lot of it was from drinking, but i can remember when i was sober and being more "social" than all the ptsd crap really began to get bad, the old emotions began to "deal with me" cuz i wasn't dealing with them, i got depressed, tried yet MORE suicides and i am in recovery, cuz i knew i was SERIOUSLY ill.......like it was my emotions telling me...."ok NOW its DEAL time".....and i crashed, and STAYED depressed and hopless, i think breaking up with my Ex was the trigger, that was in may 2000 the catalyst for it all.....like he and i split...my beloved cousin moved away 2 months later, july 2000, and here i am ALONE.....FORCED to deal with me..........NO more runnin....it was "pay the fiddler" time as to my emotions, anger, rage, grief.....like a pustule that finally erupted"!!!! it was "clean up" time....
i put up boundaries that were impenetrable.....i was telling my best friend...that i either let someone in TOO much, or shut them down completely.......so how about a "time out" for someone i want to keep, but just need a break from....depending on what they did to me, i mean if they were just a "nuisence" or just too "needy" maybe i should call a "time out" instead of cutting them off and walking away......i am doing that now....
i have this gal who writes me about her "stuff"...we go back a ways and i got worn out from it yet didn't cut her off, but said "wow, i am dealing with a lot of my own s*** now and need to ease off till the dust settles"....i took care of me...set limits....i did NOT cut her off, but just set boundaries....i was proud of me.....she was great about it and so we write and she accepts my limitations and we share our stuff and all is ok.....
i am trying to focus on the REAL relationships that i have....the CLOSE family...the CLOSE friends, not the shallow "here today--gone tomorow" ones....those i am letting go....no time for the shallow ones.....i did that becuz i want to spend MORE time on the "keepers" the ones who *look* like they are in my life for the long haul.......
i was wearing myself out on these NOT proven relationships and letting the REAL ones, take a back seat.....this past couple of weeks i have made amends to them...explaining to them i accept what i did...own it....and i was just getting "carried away" with my internet, recovery "friends" with whom i could share my "stuff" with...spending way too much time with them (folks i dont' even know what they LOOK like) and not my loved ones.... and i got the most wonderful responses......they basically said "hey take ur stuff to US...cuz we are HERE for U, thick and thin, so take ur stuff to us"........my sisters, my best friend....my pals that i have been friends with for a TIME.......so nice results for my amends......
i use my cell phone now for calling the ones i SHOULD be paying attention to.....i cleaned up my cell, and erased a ton of numbers of people who are just NOT in my life substantially and with my energy being sucked up with this step 4 work, i only have enuf in the tank for my REAL ones......and i am , yes, establishing myself, my needs/ wants, and even tho i am in a world of hurt working this step 4 crap, i was told that its making me a better sister, friend, etc.....
lately, i have been thinking of my Ex, missing the good.....missing the hand holding, the hugs, the laughter, and he always allowed me to vent or scream , wahtever i needed to do......i don't know if i'll ever have anyone again, so i am thinking of the "room mate" thing as an alternate....someone to talk with, have dinner with, watch tv with.......its a thought.....sometimes i think my higher power is asleep at times....i have been stating my needs and wants, and than letting them go cuz i cannot do anything about them, so maybe , looking for a room mate is a start--- doing SOMETHING to change this karma of mine that has been so lousey lately....i have NO family here...my best friend is in las vegas, family on BOTH coasts and i am in east b.f. texas... and i a SICK to death of being alone, by myself....
i will be careful with this "investigation" on the house share, and if it doesn't work out??? hey at least i looked into it....
i am scared of people...scared of being betrayed , so i will be VERY careful and listen to my inner voice about it...... check it out and see what happens....but i know i can trust me and my inner voice much more now....
maybe it will help me join the human race!! who knows
and wow, i am rambling.......but these posts have aroused feelings i wanted to share... made me think too, not 100% of my past was terrible.....i focused so much on the perp / anger/ rage/ grief, i let it overshadow what ever good managed to reach me.....every now and then, satan would be caught napping and some good would come my way.....the old friends......SOME good men.....my mustang ponies.....my dogs......being out in the woods, just being a part of the nature/earth.....NO evil around....just nature at its best...me and my pony and my bow and arrows......i can smell the lilac bushes....
the blue berries my brother and i used to pick for pies...when mom was sober she would make the BEST pies......one time she made about 4 beauties...i was drooling for desert after dinner.....she cooled them on the ledge outside of the kitchen window..u could smell them all over the place...makes my mouth water just remembering........i checked up on them and they were GONE!!!! i looked around and there was my black and white pony standing there with blue stain all OVER her muzzle and tongue.....mom laughed!!! i was thinking "horse steaks".......
thanks for letting me "run off with my mouth"....just wanted to share some feelings....i dont' know what any of u can get out of this post, but i felt like a release of sorts for me............hugs/ rosie
Well, goodness, out of breath now? LOL. I once got all caught up in a group, lost in the dynamics going on, and a girlfriend looked at me, after listening to my b****ing and moaning, and said "Chris? Go spend some time with people who have skin". I know I sat there looking stupid, and she finally said "you know, people in your home group, people you've known for years. You're getting to caught up in the cyber world, and there's no balance in that". It made me realize that I was playing it safe, living in a space that couldnt really hurt or touch me. I needed to make more real memories with my loved ones. So I finally found a balance (most days, anyway). When I get all caught up in stuff? I remember Bilan telling me to get out there and spend some time with skin. Still cracks me up to hear myself say it....
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Sometimes when I am experiencing a low point in my life, or when all I seem to be able to do is dwell on all the bad things in my past, I have to be reminded to check my gratitude "list". Like you said Rosie, not everything that has ever happened to us was always bad. Some of us have to look a lot harder for the good memories among all the bad, but they are there.
If I force myself to try to build a mental "list" of only the good things that I can remember (like the times as a child fishing along the banks of the stream that came down from the mountains of Wyoming, and ran through the western panhandle of Nebraska, just 1/2 mile from my door), it crowds out the negatives buzzing around my overactive mind.
The same thing works when I occupy myself with trying to come up with a mental list of things that I am greatful for today. I most definitely feel like I am trapped in one of the most unhappy stages of my life right now, so I really have to be reminded to do this every day. I have been having serious conflict with 2 of my three partners almost from the first day that we each invested (borrowed from the bank) a lot of money to buy our manufacturing business. Each day some new dissagreement seems to come up, and I can get soooooo depressed by the end of the day. When I remember to think of the fact that I have two beautiful, loving daughters, who are married to 2 very nice son-in-laws, that my house is paid for, (even if it is just the little "starter" home that we mortgaged 30 years ago), that I have no major debt, that my wife and I are in reasonably good health for our ages, (enough already...I'm not going to start working on my list here! ), it gives my brain less time to seek out negatives like it seems to be programmed to do.
Well, Rosie dear, as I have said to you before, I tend to get wordy in my posts. The length of this one is probably about average for me! I offer a little prayer of love and caring as ointment for the pain you are feeling. And a (((HUG))). Hang in there!
Dan
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 12:24, 2006-05-24
i am amazed how similar our lives have been rosie, i so relate to you. thanks for reminding me about those moments of hanging around outside with just me and nature , it's good to remember those times.
I think it's really nice that you have a friend who you can spend time and talk with. I can understand your fear about starting over again. I've started over so many times it took me a month and a half just to unpack my things and get settled here at home! I don't know what I'd do if they told me at work that the business is going under, here's your two weeks notice. That would terrify me. I think it's a good idea to get a roommate. Someone that you are compatible with. I can't stand to be alone. I get lazy and complacent. At least I used to.
I live at home with my family and I love it. Sure, I would like to have a girlfriend but that seems unrealistic to me. I can barely deal with life as it is! There I go again, blabbing.
I hope things work out for the good for you. One day at a time!
Acceptance, and Life on Life's terms, is a required lesson in this program, but it unfortunately does not mean that it will not feel like an absolute B E E C H! at times.
Toni
Thank you for letting us share all of this in you life with you.
), it gives my brain less time to seek out negatives like it seems to be programmed to do.