I answered the phone earlier in the week. The person said "Bret?" (my brother) and I said no this is Justin. The guy said this is Bob, and I said Uncle Bob? Turns out it was my uncle who I haven't talke to in eons. He and my Grandfather are coming to visit in the middle of next month and no one told me. Kind of strange. The reason I'm writing this is because I haven't seen my extended family in ages, not since my teen years. I'm nervous about this but I want it to be a happy time because it's the last time I will probably ever see my grandfather. Maybe the real reason I'm nervous is because I'm sober now and I am sure they have been told what a screw-up I am, or was...
Where are the spiritual tools when I need them? LOL! One day at a time.
When I read your Post, I thought it was so interesting, the difference in the preception I had about the news of you Grandfather and Uncle coming.
Hope you don't mind my saying how I saw it. What good news, and when people are young, well they are in their "Sewing Oats" time, in different degrees. Almost like a "Right of Passage" And the fact that you turned everything around, well it makes it, to my mind anyway, that the past does not matter.
Feel I am getting to know you Justin, and the only thing that ever comes into my mind when I see you Post or we are communicating thru PM, is how those communications make me feel good. Last week when you were writing about how good your Relatonship with you Family is now, your Mom and Brother, well to my little mind, that is all there is. All good.
The Steps of this Program, are the Blessings of this Program, and do have a powerful way of erasing the Past.
I thought Phil's Post from yesterday, about Problems, and when they arise, we go to the emotion of Shame. I do not feel that very often, but especially when I am surprised, about something coming up that might have a problem attached, I will get a visit from the "Ghost" of Shame, honor it as a Ghost from the past, old familiar feelings that do not have a part in my life today, and watch it dissapear.
I personnally have to be on guard all most to the emotion of fear, because if I do not identify it, and let it dissapear, that one emotion can take over all other emotions and ruin my day, in a heartbeat. If I am working with another, in the Program, is the time I feel free, just like what I was writing in a PM to you last week.
Hope so much this visit turns out to be a very happy and Joyful visit.
Fear Knocked, Faith Answered, and there was No ONE There.
When I go down to California, to visit friends and family, I still get that strange look, like they're taking my measure before they're going to be comfy with me. Which I understand, considering what they watched me go thru for so many years. I called my Aunt up a few months back, checking on my Grandmother. we talked for a bit, and she finally said, " Is there something wrong? Are you in trouble?". It took me a second to click, and I started laughing. I reassured her I really had called to say hi, and no, I wasn't in trouble, and wasn't calling because I needed help. After I hung up, I felt sort of bad, though. It's been over twenty years, and although they know I'm sober, I dont think they "get" that with sobriety came some discernment and maturity, and I no longer get myself into silly messes. What I did need to learn, and still am learning, is that there's obviously not a doggone thing I can do or say to put their minds at ease, and bottom line is, although I understand how they feel, I won't own it for myself. I do not have to "prove" myself to anyone anymore. So, just be you. They'll see how things are, how you've grown. I haven't lived near family for about 18 years I think, so they've no idea what's going on three states away. I've conditioned them to expect the worst, so now they can un-condition themselves, just by trusting that what they see is really what they're getting. You have a wonderful weekend and visit. hugs Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange