When I was starting to experience health problems when I was still drinking, I knew deep down that alcohol was going to slowly destroy my body if I continued. I knew that the damage I was causing could even kill me if I kept drinking. Yet, the emotional pain and anguish I was feeling (due mostly to the job situation I was in) seemed far worse to face without the numbing effect of alcohol, than the threat of death from drinking it. I couldn't wait for each miserable workday to end so I could race to get that first soothing drink into me.
I know that there are some people who sadly face that same decision, and decide that killing themselves with the bottle is a favorable choice over having to give up killing their feelings.
I think I may have brushed far to close to that terrifying reality.
I have an image of those poor folks who make that choice. It is like a person is hanging onto that great big bottle as their only life preserver, while bobbing down a swirling river of life. And, all the while they can hear the roar of the waterfall getting louder and louder as the bottle carries them closer to what they know is inevitable doom. Yet, even though they know that if they let go, they can swim to the saftey and stability of the riverbank, swimming is too painful and too scary. And they don't know, even if they can make it to the shore, if they can handle what frightful unknowns await them there.
So they miserably wrap their arms even tighter around that bottle, and turn their resigned gaze down the river to oblivion, hoping that it comes sooner than later.
God, I didn't really intend this to turn into such a depressing post. And yet, we know there are those people out there. The only hope we can have for them, and they for themselves, is that those of us who have let go, and made it to the shore, continually offer to throw them a line. We can hope that one of them will grasp for that lifeline when they see our friendly faces urging them on from the solid ground that we have reached. That they will see that the swim can be made with a little help from others who have made it before them. And, they may see that it isn't so dark and scary on that distant bank by the smiling countenances reaching out to them.
I pray that the Great Power behind this universe will grant that I may at least live long enough to help just one other person to the shore.
And, may I never forget to always thank all of those among you who reached out to me in those dark and swirling currents.
Dan, I don't think that was depressing at all. It was beautiful in it's stark honesty, and had a very strong message of hope. You were there, and now, blessing us all, you are here. What greater message can there be?
Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate insight with us. Love, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
And thank for what to me was a very beautiful, analogy of how some of us go, almost over our own dead bodies, we are saved from the enivatable fate, that the Grip of Alcoholism that will guarantee to all that go down this dark plunge in the Disease. To this day, I do not have any explanation, on why I was spared that fate, only remember in those very dark hopeless days, I did ask God, that really was foreign, and a complete Mystery to me then, to show me a different way. Amazes me, to this day, that I have not had a need to pick up a drink since that moment. and into AA, I did go, made it back to the rooms of Alcholics Anonymous and with a Surrender to that then Mysterious God, and to the Program.
The analogy that does unfortunately include the tragic end that we see in our friends, sometimes some of our best friends, is very grim, breaks our hearts.
Thank you again, really enjoyed reading this and remembering. In our little recovery Boat. This Board is such a vital part of my Program, for my Recovery, and more than that, for anyone reaching out in their struggle, we offer with all our hearts, all the help we can, so that they too, may share the Joy of living a life, free of Alcohol, that was so freely given to us.
