May 19, 2006 Opening To Feel Ways We Numb Ourselves "We are born equipped to experience a complex array of diverse emotions. Many of us, however, are uncomfortable confronting our most powerful emotions. We may shy away from delight and despair and deny life's colors by retreating into a world of monotone grey. We may numb ourselves to what we are truly feeling. It's easier to suppress our emotions than to deal with them, so we may momentarily turn to pleasures such as alcohol, food, sugar, shopping and too much television. We may even numb our hearts. While it's normal to temporarily seek distractions as a means of coping with intense emotions, numbing yourself prevents you from confronting your issues and keeps you from ever finding resolution or peace. When you are numb, there is no pain or powerlessness, but there can also be no joy or healing.
The activities that numb you may seem harmless or pleasurable, but using them to numb yourself diminishes the quality of your life. Numbing yourself so that you don't have to feel intense emotions can often satisfy a surface need while blocking your awareness of a deeper need. You may find solace in food or shopping when what you really need is spiritual nourishment. The less you feel, the less alive you feel. Your feelings add vividness to your experiences and serve to connect you to the world around you. It is possible to disavow yourself of numbing behaviors a little at a time and once again taste life's rich flavors. When you sense that you are engaging in a particular behavior simply to deaden your emotions, stop and ask yourself why. Examining the feelings that drive you to numb yourself can help you understand what is triggering your desire to emotionally fade out.
With each numbing activity that you cut out of your life, you'll find yourself being more aware and experiencing a greater emotionally acuity. Senses once shrouded by the fog of numbness become sharp and acute. Traumas and pain long hidden will emerge to the forefront of your consciousness and reveal themselves so that you can heal them. You'll discover a deeper you-a self that is comfortable experiencing and working through intense emotions with courage and grace." Daily OM
I thank my personal Higher Power and the people of AA, for being there to hold my hand over the years whilst learning how to experience true feelings again. I know "feeling" was very frightening for me, and at times still is. I get overwhelmed at times, and hide in a book, or any other distraction, rather than face my feelings (aka: fears). But, eventually, I can peak out, and allow myself to deal with my strengths and weaknesses, and know that I truly can do that without needing to damage my self perception in the process. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
I remember when I had quit drinking before and I kinda cross-addicted over to gambling. Made me feel like I did when I was drinking. To be honest, I don't really know all that is wrong with me. I try and be a good person and a friend to those around me. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, I don't always see results. I occasionally do take a break from reality and I enjoy reading, but I'm not obsessive about it. One thing that kind of got me was the whole shopping bit. I've been thinking all week about what I'm going to do with my paycheck! I paid all my bills and I'm going to pay off some money for a weight set. Could be a problem there...
What came to my mind when I read your post was instant gratification, which to me is a temporary fix to my problems.
Thanks Justin! Well, all my boys do that with their checks--even the ones with dependants, LOL. "what can I buy with my check after I pay the rent", and I guarantee, they aren't thinking groceries. My 21 yr old calls to let me know what new performance toy he got for his car, the 27 yr old what books he's buying, the 33 yr old a new tool, and the 36 yr old just blows it and has nothing to show for it. Me, I get excited about going down and getting my hair trimmed. Last week it was about material for sewing. I don't think that's addictive behavior, I think it's making the most out of life. Now, if I start spending money I don't have, that's another story.....you have a wonderful weekend too, love Wren (the newbie--I did ask for a lesson in being humble, and doggoned if it wasn't answered..)
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
