Oh dear where do I start?, well I think I'll start by letting all those of you who replyed to my other post know that I HAVE been a good girl since then, eventhough I am still stuck in that deep dark place.
In the past when I have felt the way I do now I have always resorted to drinking, and belive you me I wouldn't mind a pint or six right now but I know thats not the answer.
I'm soo sad and angry and confused and feel soooo alone.
I am also angry at myself and the hospital, myself for losing the baby, and the hospital for trying to 'force' me into having an operation (to remove the remains) and for me again not letting them do it to me (operate). Because I sometimes think that if I went ahead and had it done it may bring some kind of 'resolve' to the situation and then maybe I would feel atleast a little better, But the whole thing is so hard to comprihend.
I have taken far too much for granted my entire life
Being able to have children.
Being able to drink better than most men I know.
Being able to bottle all my emmotions up and hide them well.
Well that didn't exactly work for as long as I thought it would (eternity).
And as a result my life and world has crashed back down to earth with a big nasty THUMP.
Now I have to learn how to handle my emmotions 'properly', except that I can not do everything that I used to be able to do, and realise that, no matter how much I try and fool/convince myself and others I am not imortal!!! (would be nice tho!!) and I do have all the ailments that others do and I do need to look after myself if I have any chance of looking after my family.
well I have rammbled on enough now so (Hmmmm I've just pressed a key and I don't know what one it was and now i have Italic type!!!)
Anyway I'm gonna go and I hope to see/read you all soon.
Dont really know what to say to you...except..Ive been in that darkness...a few times...because of different situations..and the only thing, that I was really capable of..was..going to meetings, and not picking up a drink..and tying a knot at the end of the rope...and hanging on..with hope...
Different types and different stages of greif....regrets...depression...health...
And yup....those black holes....those holes where one just wants to give up...and there doesnt seem to be a way out...
Others were there..to hold me up...when I couldnt hold myself up..
They told me it would get better....but I really couldnt see a light anywhere...and somedays, what I thought was the light..in those dark tunnels...was a train, comming the other way....
It did get better....not perfect..and far from sane...but better...
Sometimes life..on lifes terms is a bitch...
But..Ide rather try to deal with it sober, than I would drunk...
Just for today...hang tough....you arent alone....you are a part of....
There are still some days I want to isolate from everyone and everything...but I cant...
We are sober...weve been given another chance at life...
We do our best with what we have today....and we truck on with hope for tomorrow...
And we keep lookin up...
Thinkin of yu.....
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Even though it's very hard to work through all this, I'm glad you are and not drinking instead. This too shall pass. There may be a support group there for women who have lost babies, or other loved ones, that may be helpful for you in doing the griefwork, and anger is part of what we go through in grief over loss.
I'm concerned that you might really need the medical procedure.
That's not rambling, flumpy,,, you are sorting things out and working through them. Please feel free to write all that you need to. We are here.
You are in my prayers,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I wanted to just let you know you are not alone in the miscarriage and guilt thing. I've lost 4 children in late miscarriages/way to early labors. The first one was when I was young (19) and I remember thinking at one point that I had wanted to get an abortion (something I didn't believe in at all, but I felt so scared and trapped - the point made not to tout my views on the subject, but to show how when we are active in our disease, it is much easier to go against our own morals and values - and we wonder why we get so full of shame and guilt?). Well, I did not get the abortion, but ended up going into labor at 4 1/2 months pregnant. I remember thinking that if I hadn't thought about getting the abortion, I wouldn't be losing the baby and that it was somehow all my fault and that God was punishing me.
Which was not true. But I managed to use it to take my drinking to a whole new level! I stopped caring about what I did, who I did it with and where I did it - well, you get the picture.
I have also had to learn to grieve that loss and the loss of other children in recovery. But it comes when it comes. I know that I was not ready to do that early in recovery. I would have wallowed - which of course at the time I thought was the appropriate way to "grieve".
What ended up happening is I just started doing the next right thing. Keep in mind, I got sober over 10 years after that initial loss, but did have one of the losses during sobriety. I started going to meetings, I picked up the phone and talked to my sponsor EVERY DAY for the full first year. I started working the steps, and boy did I really need to get through steps 1, 2 and 3 before I was ready to embark on step 4 because I was so full of guilt and shame I couldn't handle it at all.
Anyhow, things got better. I now have some measure of choice in the matter whether I remain on the pity pot or not. And for the record, grieving is not necessarily sitting on the pity pot. It's "how" we're grieving that determines that.
Keep in mind, dear, that your hormones are in flux, and it's especially rough after a miscarriage because part of our body knows we should be pregnant for a certain length of time, but some of it doesn't get the message right away. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself, but do the things you need for your sobriety. Pick up the phone and talk, talk, talk - I used to think that folks that said call anytime didn't really mean it. But we do, I've learned since getting a little further into recovery, totally mean it, because even though it is helping you, it is helping us too! Get to meetings. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Don't drink and call your sponsor! Even the most painful things in our lives pass to some degree. If you feel like you believe it can't get better right now, believe that I believe it. I've walked it too many times to say otherwise. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it can and does...we just have to do the things in front of us to do!
Thankyou so much Phil and Amanda for your replys, they mean alot.
Yours Phil, yours has knowlage and power.
And Amanda yours comes from a womans point of view, and has feeling and warmth.
Thankyou both for reading my post, I have over the past day or two found this more and more harder to deal with, having not yet realy cried or showed any 'real' emotion.
But I shall get there in the end I hope.
I am truly sorry if I have draged up any old feelings for anyone, and/or upset anyone but I really felt I needed to share this with someone.
Thankyou again flumpy.
P.S. for those of you who didn't read my first post on this...I did NOT lose my baby through drinking, it was 'just one of those things'.
Thankyou you for sharing that, I am sorry you had to go through this also, strange really but you don't really realise that there are so many other people in the same boat as you are.
"It didn't come to stay, it came to pass!." Yhe thumps I hit had been there all along. That was where the "work" part of the program started for me. I embrace the thumps now, as I now know it means I will be growing. I will learn... Know that better is just ahead. You will get there! Our thoughts and hopes are with you...Paul
I hope.