Well believe it or not.. Tonight i bought half the amount of drink i had last night.. and drank that only..
I did this for two reason.. one OBVIOUSLY the URGE.. Secondly cos im worried about the withdrawls.. I gota go back to work tomorrow and sort stuff out with garage and im worried about me being all screwed up.
I think i could, if realy tried to go without anything tonight but this withdrawl stuff is worrying .. im sweating alot now.. .. Though sayin that it is hot here...
Yeah i know alot of what talked me into drinking tonight was the urge.. disease..
But I held on long enuf so that i would have these two strong largers but not finish them till the offi closed so that i couldnt buy more. I had to keep checking the time and slowing myself down. . Duno exactly how i did that..
Iv had a pretty good day actualy.. Cos less drink last night.. Got couple of things done.. Had two walks.. one this afternoon in the sun.. Had horse followin me untill it made me stroke its nose..lol.. Completed the game iv been playing lately on pc (Second Sight).. had shower.. Washed up all my plates and bowls that had accumilated in my room..
So tonight i waited till just after 9pm till i went down the shop.. had the two drinks. I cant say im totaly relaxed.. im a bit restless.. i should be in bed.. its gone midnight and im am tired. But im abit ... figity..
The garage says i will get my car back tomorrow..
Im gona get in bed in a minute.. duno if ill sleep much .. As i said figity and sweaty.
Tomorrow is gona be the real test.. If i get my car i am gona try to make my sorry arse go to a meeting..
I'm glad to hear that you are planning on going to a meeting tomorrow. If the thought is there it just might be a good idea! I just talked to my brother about making meetings everyday and how I'd like a day off occasionally. He responded by telling me I should go every day! It's amazing how meetings and working with a sponsor effects me and those around me. If other "normies" are telling me to go to meetings it must be pretty obvious how important and helpful they are. I think you're putting to much pressure on yourself to control your drinking. The most important thing to do is to get to meetings every day and listen to the message. By doing that you just might be able to do something about your drinking. Until then trying to control your drinking is going to seem impossible. I don't think we ever gain control but we are granted a new freedom from alcohol through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not trying to preach to you. I just want you to be free from this #$%&*? disease! Yeah, I edited that one! I was told that if I put half the effort into AA that I did into my drinking/drugging career that I can stay sober and not live in the miserable conditions which I inflicted upon myself. That means taking a couple hours out of my day to get to a meeting and get to know sober people in the fellowship. I get to my meetings half an hour early every day, open up the club, make coffee, and fellowship. Following the meeting I talk with people for a little while and go home. It works for me. This is a 24 hour program. Yesterdays are gone and tomorrow never gets here. It's all about today. I hope this is helpful. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Peace.....
Well i got about 4 hours sleep, on and off.. Wierd dreams. Sweated like a pig.. (duno if pigs actualy sweat much).. went through a few changes of clothing through the night.. Im tired. Got 30 mins till i really need to get up for work but i doubt ill sleep again.. ffs..
I am totaly not looking forward to going to work.. But i guess it beats some of the days iv had on this so called holiday.. I expect im gona be grumpy. I'll feel alot better when my bloody car is sorted.
Hi Rob, glad to hear that your having a better day. You Will have more and more the more time you are sober.
Back to work on Monday? So am I. What do you do for a job Rob?
Re:Withdrawal. The sweating is common, make sure you drink loads of water (or pure fruit juice 50/50 with water) possibly a pinch of salt in it.
This is to ensure that your body won't get dehydrated (the salt makes sure that your sodium balance stays somewhere near normal.
If you'r still drinking you could always try to space the Strong larger with a can of Kaliber in between
Re: Strange dreams! Alcohol prevents your brain from entering REM sleep (Dream sleep). As a result you were probably feeling really worn out even after 8-9 hours sleep?
Both of these problems will fade given time.
Re: Horses following you..... F**k that.... Run, hide, just get away! Ha ha.
Have a good one Rob.
Bye for now.
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
I hope, as I'm writing this, that you are at a meeting, Rob. I'm reading your posts, and you're in my thoughts, but as we've spoken of off the board, I've detached until you are ready. I can offer you my ESH.
My Experience with this disease tells me that your drinking is ruining all aspects of your life and will continue to do so.
My Strength is, I have been there and found that AA is the only way I could get and stay sober, that the people in the program are there for eachother and will offer you all the help in the world if asked.
My Hope is that you will find this all out for yourself, because for me it is true and will always be true.
Go back and read the nutritional info I sent to you, and the section on Atheism in AA and how to work it. Love Wren
-- Edited by Wren at 14:32, 2006-05-04
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
My take on your detoxing this way, with cutting back, is like playing Russian Roulette. Thats is just my opinion.
And just maybe the discomfort you might feel if you go cold turkey, may be just what you need to do, so you will have the memory of all that discomfort, as an incentive to Not Wanting to just say F**k it, like the last time you picked up a drink. You did not have any memory of going through too much pain, so just maybe that was part of it.
And the beers that you are using to detox, well each one of them Represents the First Drink, not the last. Every single one of those beers could be the beginning of drinking again. Think about it. it was just one beer that got you going on the wrong track before.
My take on Detoxing with substances is usually only done in a controlled envirornment..
It took me so bloody long to sort out shit with my bloody car i didnt get home till late then i had to walk back up to the villiage to get my mums car cos i had reced up to the garage thinking they were about to close only to wait about 40 mins!.. arrgh.. Cost me a bloody fortune too. The post office was closed so i couldnt get my car taxed so mums lending me her car again tomorrow.. My mum n dad are way too good to me..
So basicaly the meetings already started and its about 35-40 mins drivie depending on traffic and not sure bout borrowing my mums car too much.. So anyway im too late for the meeting tonight..
I get my car on the road tomorrow .. almost definately.. providing nothing goes wrong.
I was gona read some aa stuf today at lunch time but i forgot my other book to hide it in and people walk past my car and there no way i am lettin them see me reading that!!
Im pretty tired. Today hasnt been to bad actualy. No where near as grumpy as i expected, been dosed up with Kalms als its sunny so that helped my mood.. Weather affects my moods often.. Hmm n i live in england!..
I got 1 hr and 42 mins till the offi closes.. . Iv had nothing to drink so far tonight, only water.. Im feeling figity again..
I understand you staying detatched.. its fine.. I dont wana keep emailing you when iv been drinking etc... the more i email when im drinking the more i wake up next day thinking.. offs did i say something im gona regret something stupid or inaccuate or whatever ya know.
I hope you are keeping well.
Oh the thing about the horse:
I was walking down a very narrow footpath by some fields, and i came to one field with some horses in it and one horse decided the massive field he was in didnt have the grass he wanted to eat, lol, that he wanted to eat the grass on the other side of the footpath, as i say its VERY narrow footpath.. And only a very thin three wired fence between it and field.. So this horse was blocking my path.. I carried on walking stoping a couple of times and kinda laughing .. i got closer and the horse just kinda stepped back as if to let me though.. i stopped turned and said "Alright?" to the horse.. lol. Then i carried on walking. Immediately im aware of clip clop clip clop i turn to see the horse is following me.. im laughing quietly to myself. I stop n kinda brush back of hand against side of its face.. I dont wana do this too much cos farmers house in distance and dont want farmer to think im hurtin his horses or wotever.. Anyway the horse didnt mind me doing this but didn seem to be what he wanted.. but he didnt seach and snif me to see if i had food, as iv experienced before.. So i carry on .. clip clop clip clop .. hes following me again.. i am laughing more again.. so i stop brush his main this time breifly, same response from him.. i carry on.. clip clop .. hes still following me.. so i stop and turn, this time he turns kinds side on to me with his head accros the footpath.. this time i figure out what he may be trying to say.. lol.. ok so maybe im nuts.. So this time is stroke the front of his head, between his eyes towards his nose ya know.. i do this a couple of times and he seems to appreciate this more..lol .. im still concerned about angry farmers so i move away and he kinda makes some noises at me, looks my way and kinda nods his nose at me and turns it back to position as if waiting for me to stroke him/her again..Lol so i obblige breifly then turn away and walk on, this time i dont glance alook back and he doesnt follow.. Lol it was pretty cool. Would have petted him/her more but dont want any farmers gettin pissed at me.. The thing was cos of gaps in the fences etc the horse was almost touching me.. it was so close..
Actualy this wasnt the first time horses in that field followed me.. Not to carry on and bore people too much but first time it was between 1-3am and i had been doing xtc and it was pitch black, i dint have my tortch on and i had no idea there were horses there.. till suddenly a whole group of them were right near me snorting, followign me and sniffing at my bag to see if i had food.. Now imagine that.. doing pills (though kinda coming down), pitch black, narrow footpath, middle of the night.. suddenly a group of horses almost ontop of ya.. i tell ya that was sureal.. Iv been down that footpath a few times since, its really nice, nice views.. wish id taken my bloody camera yesterday.. and i so almost had done! Doh..
The people at work have no conception or understanding of alcoholism or stuff like that.. plenty of conversations have come up in the past due to stuff on tv etc.. and i work with a few people liek the whole entire day and this isnt in some office where we dont ahve to communicate with eachother all the time we are in constant communication etc. Things would never work if they knew.. They'de be on at me all the bloody time asking unaswerable questions.. and i wouldnt get much sympathy.. if any.. It would make work impossible basicaly.. and i would have to leave and that is a huge upheavle that i can do without at the moment.. job security is something i need at the moment..
Alot of my friends wouldnt understand.. And i dont expect them to. So i would lose friends simply cos they dont understand.. If this were to go public people wouldnt trust me, they would lose whatever respect they have for me, cos of their ignorance on this subject. Im simply not in the sort of working envirenment that would make this workable.. I think i would jsut wana shut myself away and never stop drinking.
As for tonight getin my affairs in order with my car was out of my control. Ok so maybe i have been making alot of excuses lately.. Due to the fear and yeah i can just walk through it or i can continue to be a wimp and .. wimp out..
Maybe i shouldnt be posting so much.. maybe just wait till i get my shit together..
I know you are my friend and want whats best for me and can see me pissing about and making excuses and giving into the fear.
I do care about you Toni and i do appreciate all that you say and i guess i do need a kick up the arse sometimes...
Just a question, if you had another illness, like MS or Cancer, that both required treatment, would what others thought of you, REALLY matter.
This Program is a Life or Death Program, every single person here, everyday has a terminal illness, I know I do, and I have been taught how to keep the terminal Illness arrested, in this 24 hour program.
I didnt mean drinking friends.. i dont have any drinking friends.. i dotn drink with other people.
Maybe i am over complicating things.. i duno.. but there is no way i am at any point to tell my work friends that i get drunk every night and i need to stop. Perhaps in the future after many months sober i could say about it.. But not now.... maybe its all in my head.. but .. i duno..
Rob Hello are you aware that detox centers are for people who want to stop drinking??? If you are seeing horses you ahould consider learning about this I know of people who have suffered serious injuries because thye were tryong to detox themselves. Just a thought.
Rob Hello are you aware that detox centers are for people who want to stop drinking??? If you are seeing horses you ahould consider learning about this I know of people who have suffered serious injuries because thye were tryong to detox themselves. Just a thought.
The horses are real theyve been there for years, part of a farm.
I know of people who have suffered serious injuries because thye were tryong to detox themselves. Just a thought.