Life is so much better without having to get outta reality., so much talent is wasted with alcoholics, cause lets face it we are not dumb, its tragic really.
For the grace of god I have not taken a drink today and I am grateful for that, had a little shock today that rocked me a bit! called my uni up and they told me i have not been accepted on thr course! I went really quiet and sad, what on earth am I going to do now? then I called back and spoke to someone else who had seen the mistake the last person had said and told me I am on the course.
I have been resentful at my brother again tonight, for saying " never call dad again and ask for money" - this makes me feel like a crook, it is also apperent that he only looks for the negatives in me. he loves them, it raises him and lowers me, sorry going off subject..
also he said " you ahve no friends" he again loves that, he likes nothing more than to see me hurt.
you should have seen him when I had some good news he was green with envy, I hate that, when i see people doing well I am happy for them and when they are not so well I show empathy.
I think the thing that annoys me most, is that my brother always says, im there for you, but then never answers my calls replys to emails, and does not call me, never asks how the abstinance is going, never asks about the depression, never asks about my bad back , never asks about anything, yet again in the last call when I pointed out that he cant just call out of the blue and expect to order me about, he said oh yes i think i will keep in contact more, but he doesnt.
I am really upset about this, everytime my dad and brother see me i feel bad for the following week, then their out of my life for a good 1/2 year until they decide they want to see me again, and its always the same , now im not drinking, they make smug remarks about how well I must think of myself because im sober, and oh you wont want to do XYZ now because your sober or you wont get up to XYZ because your sober, this really hurt, just like it hurt when I graduated in 2001, I got NO cards or calls to say well done, yet my brother got a selection of cards and gifts when he did his GCSEs, again i didnt, I got into uni again this year to make up for the past, told them - no reaction, nothing, because their was nothing to make me feel bad about.
Oh if I had been drunk and woke up in a wet bed they would have been all over me, wanting to speak to me and congratulate me for being a loser, but now im making something of myself they want nothing to do with me ,.ive said once and i'll say it again, I AM EITHER THE PUNCH BAG. THE CLOWN OR NOTHING,
rant over, I have preyed for their health, i dont know if its working, what are your comments on the above, this is eating me up, i used to mark off the days in between speaking to them to prove i was a loser like they made me feel. backwards hey
The only thing I can say is we are powerless over people. We hurt ourselves more by holding on to those bad feelings and resentments than we do anyone else. It is hard to let go of them but I feel like I just HAVE to to try to remain sober....I say this from my own experience recently. Pray for them. The resentment prayer is good. Try to think of them as sick people rather than mean hateful people. Good luck to you...
Have you tried talking to them about them always jumping on the negative but ignoring the possitive? Have you tried asking them why they do it.. Maybe there is something they need to get of their chest and perhaps the air might clear... but then i guess it might get thicker.. But really all you can do is do you best to shine. Shine bright, do your course, stay sober. And be pleased with yourself. The more happy someone is with themselves the less affected they are by other peoples opinions. If you do the things you set out to do like staying sober, going to uni then be pleased with youself for your acheivments. Everyone else will just have to do what they gota do.
I really hope things get better with your family. i really do..
Last night before i had anything to drink i could see my mum and dad sat in the front room completely smashed and i looked at them with no real sympathy. My mum had really bad arthoritis yesterday, like shes never had it so bad. Dad was helping her to the toilet. But i found it hard to sympathise.. I did have sympathy earlier on in the day when she was sober but cos she had been drinking i didnt. Thats not right at all!!! But cos she was drinking i just got resentful n i kind of switch off.. Which makes me the biggest hypocrit in the world because of my drinking.. especialy as mum didnt drink much friday and saturday last week and saw me drunk.
My pint simply being is that sometimes anger/resentment over how bad someone makes us or has made us feel can cloud how we are with that person.. I mean i love my mum n dad more than i could ever tell you.. But i lose all sympathy with them when they are drinking because of how much pain i feel seeing them this way.. Even though iv put them through more.
Maybe your family is just kinda hittin back at you for how they felt when they saw or knew you were drinking before.. I mean i duno and im not a qualified phsycologist. Just an idea.. Perhaps talking with them about it might help..?
Well just some thoughts... Hmm this time yesterday i could barely think i was off my tits.
Im glad you still have your course.. When do you start, september?
start in sept trying to save for a bike to get to and from, not going to be easy, but will try. I feel detached from my family as it seems they talk behind my back, when I invite them into my life they abuse me mentally, if i was getting hit by tyson, I wouldnt invite him round for a cuppa and round two, id stay clear, maybe i need to do this, i have always felt like this but booze drowned it b4.
gonna listen to some music, after making another post.
