im drinking again.. I bought it and didnt touch it for about 1 3/4 hours..
My mate was just chattin on the phone the other day, well left an answerphone message to me.. and he mentioned that he had one beer of 5.2% with his dinner.. Just the one... I havent told him im an alcoholic though he knows i drink most nights.. But ya know i thought that sounded like such a nice idea.. just one nice beer with dinner and thats all.. That didnt start me drinking.. id already started.. Wish i could be like that.. Enjoy a drink but.. just a drink..
I know thats not really possible with me.. Just its funny when people talk about just havin the odd beer or the odd drink.. so normal n all..
For me.. as soon as iv had one i want LOTS.. .. And to think i used to think "i just like a drink" and that "i not an alcoholic".. Geese..
I was sayin to someone from here the other day.. "im scared.. i hate the way i live..but a part of me still loves being drunk.. its always there for me ..... even though its the main reason i am unhappy and dont have what i want.. .. drink is the thing that causes the majority of my problems but its also the only thing i can count on... if you understand me.. being drunk WILL make me feel better.. if only temporarily.. . its sometimes the only thing i can be sure of... no matter how bad things are.. things are reasured when im drunk.. even if when im drunk im unhappy.. DOES ANY OF THAT MAKE SENSE?? "
She said yeah it made perfect sense..
Lately iv been so confused about this wanting to stop drinking ... Because of people responses on here.. And things said at meetings i was gettin the impression that those people didnt WANT to drink at all.. they simply have the craving.. well i dont mean simply in any way to downgrade the situation.. .. In the long run i want to not be a drinker.. i want a life that i can only have sober.. But even though i might have a totaly crap day because of drinking the night before.. and vow all day that i will not drink.. By the time i finish work.. or sometime not even till i get home.. I see the good things about drinking.... it kinda gives me somethign to look forward to.. IF i stay sober then the night will be a struggle and nothing particularly great will happend but i know if i drink i will feel good.. even if i feel bad.. .. Like its security.. But in the long run it just makes me really insecure...
But .. none the less drinking will make me feel good.. if only for a short while and if only in a small way....
I guess i just want peoples feedback on this.. Is this normal thinking for an alcoholic who wants to get sober and actualy have a life.. ?
I havent had anything really bad happen to me like so many people in aa have had.. So i guess i dont have their perspective or their same motivation even if iv heard their stories.. So how do i get that state of mind that gets me to recovery..
Why did i conciously decide to not drink and stay that way for 5 days yet now i cant get one day sober, even when i need to??
How do i stop WANTING to drink? Or how do i make NOT WANTING TO greater than WANTING TO..?
Hey Rob., i know that one drink too man, my first drink was when i was a young teen, my father got me 4 x grolsh @5% he was drinkin wiskey. I wanted more when i had finished. when he didnt let me I got such a resentment, that drink changed my life, for once i felt real, normal. eversince that day. every penny i got i spent on alcohol, to escape. by the age 17 I was noticing that i had not ever since my first drink had more than one day off it. man I was hooked b4 i even got that stuff im my mouth, I know you know what im talkin about. I think, (and dont take this the wrong way) I think you need to get away for a bit, somewhere safe. somewhere dry. up to you Rob, but if I was ion your boots, id go to a dry house for a bit or rehab, ,
I hope you do good mate. But first you need to get step one.
as i get to the ROOTS of my pain/ triggers/ fears, etc i am doing so much better about craving to "numb my pain"...its like i am getting to the CAUSES now, not just the symptoms.....
keep hangin in there, rob, there is something inside u that really wants to stop.....otherwise u would't be here with us......
What you wrote here, to me, sounds like a usual Relapse, I do remember you wanted to stay sober, then when you came back from fishing, you said you went to that liqour store just to buy chips and soda, and I do remember you saying you stopped for a moment and just looked at the beer.
Then you went back and bought it, it was in that first drink my friend, it makes perfect sense to me, you pick up that first drink, and there really is no telling where that drink will take you, so as you continue to drink everyday, and think about not drinking up until around 4:00 at work, I remember those days well, I would wake up sick, swear off of the stuff for the day, and make an agreement with myself that I would not repeat the same thing. Sometimes I would make it all the way home, well 3 blocks before my turn off to my house, when I passed the Liquor Store, I would just drive in and park and get whatever I needed for the night.
I would wake the next day, make the same agreement with myself, Not tonight, and then when I passed the liquor store, same thing, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You get the picture, but it started with not going to a meeting, and not knowing how to do it without the meetings, but determined to do it MYSELF. And this whole story began with picking up that first one.
Self will run roit comes to mind, when we pick up that first drink, The Disease is in control, simple stuff. Same thing applies today, if I stayed away from meetings, and the people at those meetings, stopped using the Program, got into a sense of Complacany about the GIFT I have been given, who knows where that would take me, they say a "drink" is the last part of the Slip, not the beginning, and if that day ever came, where I thought I no longer needed AA, the Program, the Steps, working with others in the Program, I really do not want to ever go there. We only, all of us have a 24 hour Reprieve from this Disease, and that is a FACT for all of us.
So, my friend, I see you as someone in the Complete Grip of the Disease, when you talk about still wanting, needing to drink, my take on all of that is the Disease in Control of your life, controlling your thoughts.
There is a saying Rob, Recovery is an INSIDE Job. As Phil said, we drink until we dont want to drink anymore, then I Prayer that you will look to the Meetings for help, and I feel Allan will always be there for you.
So just keep coming back, we all care about you.
Hugs, Toni
Alcoholism: A complusion in the mind, an allergy in the body.
There are many many people that KNOW the cucumber has turned into a PICKLE, and their own compulsion is to try and get back to a Cucumber, like the thought of just drinking like others, Just one with dinner, that would surely be a cucumber, right? Many take that thought right into the Gates of Hell, I Pray that you will not go that far.
Your post makes PERFECT sense to me. Tonight I am drinking again........my husband is pissed, threatening to leave me if I don't quit this. Ever since I drank a week ago I cannot stop thinking about it. I managed not to drink for a few days and called my sponsor and went to meetings and then today..........BAM! Here comes that F**K IT attitude again..I don't know what the solution is but I know there is one. I have seen it in the rooms of AA. I guess like Phil said, we drink until we are done drinking......
Just wanted to let you know that I completely understand those feelings and thoughts.
Do we ever learn the lesson? No. It's a work in progress one day at a time.
I'm depressed tonight. Should've gone to a meeting, but didn't. I made excuses.....I'm going this weekend. I'm worth the time and effort to make it one. I know where one is just about any time of the day around here.
I'm not drinking, tonight or yet. I think I would start up again if I don't get to a meeting. I want to be sober so I will make it to one.
the sun will come up tomorrow, I WILL be sober, my peace of mind will be as intact as it can be. I have a higher power or something out there getting me thru it, I just have to have faith
Six weeks is great, and going to that meeting tonight, sounds good. Phil made a Post about what we need to do, to stay sober.
I have noticed that you haven't Posted for some time.
Just wanted to say WELCOME back, and also respond to your statement, does this ever get better, well the good new is, it can and DOES.
That surrendering to just that 1st Step, is what I had to do after doing it my way for so many years, want to do it MYSELF, could not.
Sorry you are stuggleng right now, when you go to your meetings, have you looked for a Sponsor, and made some contacts, with their phone numbers.
Hope you Post tomorrow, and say how that meeting went. There are a lot of good people right here, that offer any help with issues and questions you many have.
Your Desire to Quit is there, and just as you said, just having Faith. My opinion, you ad Faith and a Desire to stay stopped, is how it starts, and the 1st Step, don't know you history, are you coming back from a Relapse. If your are, I relapsed cronically for many years, so can say, I do understand.
Please Private Message me anytime and I will give you my email, and telephone number, I have a flat rate unlimited phone line. So if you need some personal support from anyone on this Board, I am here, anytime.
I'm with Phil...I couldn't quit because I am an alchoholic. I quit on my own for three years, without AA. But the reasons I continued to drink -even though I knew I couldn't control it once I started, eluded me...until I started listening to those who knew. They told me to read the big book, then do a 4th step, but start at step one and do all 12. In order...Now I am living a sober and saner life and I am happy for the first time in a long, long time!
Rob it's normal to want to drink,you can't get over that fact,but it does get easier if YOU FOLLOW DIRECTIONS OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU!
90 meeting in 90 days
get a sponcer
go to a rehab
read the big book
and I'm sure you have had many more suggestions.
I think your asking "why can't I still drink and feel good." I'd love to beable to still drink,but I used up all my drinking a long time ago,so I make the best life I can out of being sober.
So in order for me to be a good mom,a good person and not die sooner, I do not drink and go to meetings and get support. It's very simple if you let it be.
You know what? I think most alcoholics would still be drinking if there were no consequences from it. For me, after drinking and drugging for years I lost my identity. I didn't know who I was. Just a worthless piece of sh*t that didn't know which way was up or down. I was lost to this disease for half my life. I still love alcohol. Always will. That's just the way it is. It's like one of those hate/love relationships that you can't get away from. So I can just accept it and stay sober or fight it and continue to drink. Not sure that makes sense! I think some of your questions can be answered in The Doctors Opinion in the beginning of the big book. The first few chapters of the book are all about the first step and how to get sober. Getting sober is easy. It's staying sober that's hardest. That means dealing with life without having the bottle to run to when things get out of control. I hope this helps you. I just want to restate that the book Alcoholics Anonymous holds such good information for us to live sober. It's really an unbelievable book and I highly suggest reading it and some of the stories in the back of the book. Gives me a whole bunch of hope. It's the alcoholics " bible. " Take er easy.
It takes practice. The longer you don't drink, the easier it is not to drink ~ that doesn't mean the want to will stop! Attend AA, hang out with other sober drunks, read the Big Book, practice the 12 Steps, get honest........usually after a while, you'll find that a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix, so you'll either give up the drink, or you'll give up trying to stop drinking.......bottom line, the choice is yours, you have the capablity of stopping if that's what you desire.......it ain't easy, but it's simple!
