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Post Info TOPIC: Have a good Thursday
Phil


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Have a good Thursday
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 Today's Gift.



Crying only a little bit is no use. You must cry until your pillow is soaked. Then you can get up and laugh. . . .
--Galway Kinnell


Many of us were raised to deny our feelings; that is, we might have been allowed to describe them politely, but we were not allowed to express feelings on the spot by wailing, jumping for joy, or dancing. This is often considered rude. In a proper home, we often hear, if people have feelings, they have them quietly. But many of us have suffered living this way.

We need a full and thorough expression of a feeling in order to know it, experience it, and move beyond it. This is the way we let go of sadness, for instance.

Feelings come and go. If we are not afraid to let them have their moment, we will not be afraid to express them.


What am I feeling right now?
-----------------


The Language of Letting Go.



Letting Go of the Need to Control



The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways, and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
--Codependent No More


Letting go of our need to control can set others and us free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.


If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?


What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?


What decisions would we make?


What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?


If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?


What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?


How would we treat ourselves differently?


Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?


If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.


Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.

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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
jeannie


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This sure hits home with me today - Phil because there are three people, in my life, who are dear and near to my heart - have told me that they are moving - one is leaving very soon, the second is leaving the end of May and the last one will be leaving by the end of the summer or possible sooner.  I have been feeling down in the dumps since Monday because this is all hitting home all at once and I honestly do not know how to deal with it.  I feel as though it all has something to do with me - why is this happening to me - what did I do to make them want to do this?   These were my first reaction questions.  Then I thought about it and I know that they must move one with their lives - just as I must with mine - but my main problem is that that when I let someone become a part of the inner circle of my heart well, it really hurts, like someone has just stabbed me in the heart with a dagger then just keeps on twisting and twisting until there is nothing left. I would normally drink the pain away but I am not going to blow eight months of sobriety.  I know that I must work through this but I am not sure how.  I can put on a good front for everyone else but I just can't help that it hurts sooo much.  I know one thing for sure- that given my past - I will not let anyone get this close again.  


Jeannie      



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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Phil


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Hi....


Its taken this kid a long time to learn about some of this stuff Jeannie..


Everyone that came into my inner circle.....had expectations and strings attatched..to them..


Expectations and strings that "I attatched to them"..and when those expectations werent met..it caused hurt..anger..and disappointment...


Something like taking a "Hostage" and then becoming a people pleaser...to get them to stay...or to love me...


I also became emotionally dependant on those people...sometimes..too much so...


I lived my life through others....and what identity..I had was created through others..


I have had people in that inner circle..that have come and gone...for a short time..or a long time..


And I was devistated when they went out of my life...I was alone and lost...


I had a real hard time...letting go emotionally..with a lot of it..


Im not saying these things we learn are easy...some of it is darned hard...


Whats the saying? "Some people come into our lives for a reason..a season..or a lifetime?"


Some people hafta move on "For Them"...not always because...of us...They do it for them..


And yes..it does leave an empty space...simply because we love them..and we miss them...


But yu know jeannie? Thats ok...Its just ok.


Acceptance that "If you are close to someone..or have deep feelings for them..?  "If you love them ---set them free"


It took me a long time to accept different things that have happened in my life....Its either..accept it now..or accept it later...there are just some things we cannot change....Its that "Live and Let Live" slogan...


I have lots of loving people in my inner circle today...and yu know what the greatest feeling about all that is?


You just love them.....no strings..no expections...that simple...


You are free..and they are free....


You feel how you feel...and youve expressed those feelings...


Things just dont always work out..the way we wish them to...or want them to...our way..


The bigger the expectation...the bigger the disappointment...


Now...is that going to stop me from keeping my heart open? No..its not..


We give love freely..asking nothing in return...and we get back tenfold...just by giving of ourselves...


We could get into boundaries in this conversation too..but Ive yapped enough...Have a good day...


 


 



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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Toni Baloney


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Hi Jeaanie,

Log time no see,

Sounds like it is going to be painful to let your friends go, but they will still be your friends right. My best friend lives in Idaho, we both moved away from the Bay area, about the same time, and what has really worked, is I have this good plan of my Telephone, where for a flat rate, of $20.00 a month, I can call anyone, anytime, and I first moved here, Annie, my friend was my lifeline, called her every morning, talked everday, for as long as we wanted.

Maybe you could look into that, if there are moving in Canada, but I dont know if Canada has the same stuff, as here. But you could also stay in touch by email?

And if it hurts, I love the part of Phils Post that say, " Don't just shed a few tears, drench your pillow, so you can get up and laugh" I am a big believer in that, I thought I was never going to stop crying, when my little beloved Annie, my cat of 16 years, died, all I did for the first month was cry my eyes out, everyday, and get up go to a meeting, come home and drench that pillow again. Prayed all the time for help with all the Pain inside, and that was on November 17, over 5 months ago, and I have intergrated that pain into a sense of her always being with me. I was talking to a friend that stopped by yesterday, and I thanked her so much for all her kind words, at that time, and she said the same thing, (she sells Real Estate) and told me she had to take one month off of work, just because she could not stop crying ALL the time when she lost her little dog 2 years ago.

Hugs, and when our friends leave, and they do, it creates a space for God, and a space to build new friendships, hard I know, but what choice do we have really. people move, people die, people get angry with us and leave us, never to return, HARD, HARD stuff in life, the good-byes, but there are PART of just Living.

Hope you can find some comfort here, and at meetings, sorry for your up coming losses. Everything Jeannie, will be o.k. , Trust God, Clean House and Help another,
when we are at a loss for what to do.

Love and Hugs to you dear,

I would love to be in touch with you, like we used to be.

Toni

Hi Jeannie, I just reread your post, and that part about Never letting anyone get close, well wouldn't be like hurting yourself, cause people are leaving, hopefully It is just a feeling you are having, a defensive feeling, but Jeannie, speaking for myself, I know I NEED people, and would have to bite the bullit, and start over. If you decided to really shut your heart off, because it is hurting, then where would you be, back to all that isolation before these friends came into your life. Everything is Temporary in Life, that does not seem to change, but we do have to allow for the changes, even when it feels like a big DOSE of Pain, other people would be where you will find comfort, from that pain, at least that's my take on the subject.

Hope you don't mind my two cents on this subject. Your friend,

-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 21:37, 2006-04-27

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jeannie


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Would like to say thanks for all the kind words.  I know this can and will be worked out on my own time - I know that I can not keep avoiding the obvious but if I every wanted a drink in my short time in sobriety - now is the time.  I just want the pain to go away and I know it will in time.  I do cry - a lot.  I did not and do not have any expectations to, from and with these people - as they do not with me - just friendship.  I have known these people for over ten years.  They have seen me drunk, acting like an ass, covered in bruises from an abusive relationship and most importantly they have seen me through my sobriety.  Now, I know that even if our ass is falling off we don't drink.  So there is no reason to worry about that - I feel that I want one but I am not going to have one besides why blow eight months.  I have the tools and a sponsor to work through this - sober - and I will - it will just take a bit longer.  If it was one at a time I would probably feel and deal with it differently - but it isn't.  It is like a bolder hit me from behind.  I guess if it were one at a time then I would have to go through this three times not just once.  I know that I can do this - I have to do this.  As I said in the beginning thank - you.  Getting better one step, day, hour, minute at a time.  My ass is about to fall off and I am not about to drink.


Toni - I would like to keep in touch.


Jeannie



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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
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