Alcohol Always Lied to Me ==========================
I Drank for Courage... and woke up night after night horrified. I Drank for Sophistication... and became crude. I Drank to find Peace... and ignited a war within myself. I Drank to be Friendly... and became argumentative and nasty. I Drank to be Sexy... and turned people off. I Drank so that I could Relate to Others... and I babbled. I Drank to put down Loneliness... and found myself retreating more and more into my shell. I Drank to Relax... and woke up tense. I Drank to be Entertaining... and became an obnoxious clown. I Drank to Live More Fully... and contemplated suicide. I Drank for Adventure... and discovered disaster. I Drank to be more Honest... and insulted my friends. I Drank to Quiet my Nerves... and woke up with hangover jangles. I Drank to Feel Better... and ended up sick and throwing up. I Drank to have Fun... and passed out in the middle of the party. I Drank to Pep Myself Up... and ended up exhausted. I Drank to feel Successful... a Big Shot... but ended up a failure. I Drank for Security... and became afraid of my shadow. I Drank to Feel Better about Myself... and ended up hating me. I Drank to prove I could handle Alcohol... and ended up knowing it controlled me.
Alcohol has beaten me down in the past few days. Am I ready to surrender completely? Am I willing to go to any lengths to get sober? Am I willing to pick up the 500lb. phone instead of the bottle? Am I sick and tired enough yet?
Amazing that just a few days of drinking can beat me up so badly. I am more of a mess in my head today than I was 6 months ago.
Going to my women's meeting tonight......hoping I will be greeted with acceptance and love because right now I cannot accept or love myself.
RE: Alcohol always lied to me. me too, yet i still would trust it. how carzy is that, i just keep going my meetings and like many say keep it simple, you take care. wagon
i am still drinking.. and i feel really guilty for how im affecting people on these boards.. i was not gona drink tonight. i told myself it was not even an option for most of today.. .. but guess what im doing now...
i am causing trouble on the boards.. i know people just want whats best for me.. and i appreciate that.. i feel like im letting people down.. but i still drink.... maybe tomorow will be better.. ffs..
Big hugs to you Jen.. (((Jen))) .. I hope you are ok.. I really do..
keep posting... I hope you are doing better than i am at the moment..
jen, rob, hey i have been where u guys are at...numbing my pain to have more pain.......calming my nerves only to feel MORE anxiety when i sobered up......
i am concerned for you all, yes, but u r not letting me down, only i can do that by screwing up and falling off the program....
no matter WHAT, u two keep posting, keep comming back, TODAY we can "begin again" i can start my day over SEVERAL times in that day if i need to......
hang in there, both of u, the program will work when u r ready to work it.....
Thanx Rosie.. i myself appreciate that post.. I cant help but feel guitly even though i keep drinking.. it doesnt stop me drinking but then i read people post to or about mean i feel guilty.. i dont mean to stop people posting.. not at all..just i know people want whats best for us still practicing alcoholics and for us to stop and join their/your happiness..
I was saying to someone ealier that when im not drinking.. my thoughts are that its really that simple... that you simply dont drink.. yet when i get the calling and am back on it.. its really so much more difficult..
Thanx for your post..i will try to keep posting.. but i do get put off by the idea that i will let people down and that sometimes they will bitch at me for doing so.... Though i accept all critacism (hmm spelling).. .. .some are productive and some are not..
Shit..sorry i guess it seems like im taking over Jens thread.. not my intention at all..
Thanks for your posts. I did manage to make it to a meeting instead of drinking tonight. I actually went to 2 meetings....one at 5:30 and one at 7. I wasn't planning on going to the 5:30 but when I got off work those insane thoughts of drinking just were overwhelming me so I called my sponsor, got my mother in law to watch my daughter and went to the meeting. I have no doubt that if I hadn't I would have gotten drunk.
I was scared to death to face all of those women and admit that I drank...........which made me want to drink...........which made me feel guilty....which made me want to drink......etc....
For now I need to focus on one day at a time
I got away from that and was doing alot of future tripping and worrying and that I think is part of what led me to drink again.
Just for today I didn't drink....I'll just try to do the same tomorrow......but I won't think about that until then!
Rob--thanks! Please know I am thinking of you. This disease really sucks. I start thinking about drinking again as soon as my hangover is gone.....it is Insanity. Keep fighting and I will too.......One day at a time.
I still hafta get up in the mornings and say "Nomatter what happens today..I will not pick up a drink"
Just for today..One day...
Some days and some moments are tough...and that little monkey on our shoulder can whisper in our ear, "Hey..one wont hurt yu" ....welll---Ive tried the one...and those little bells go off..and all perspective..goes right out the window...as I cry for more and more and more...and when Ive awakened..I kick my butt all over the place...
We dont let other people down...We let ourselves down...
Nomatter what we do...we can pick ourselves up..again..and the hand of AA will be there...reaching back to us...
Hang tough....eh?
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
